I did not mean to hurt my little girl

I bet the room just won't shine

It's been seven fucking months and so much has changed. So much has progressed, so much has grown, so much has fallen apart, so much has been lost. Quite frankly I have had a fucking terrible month. The worst one this year I can bet. And I know I've probably said this about every month, but I think you all know that this one really takes the cake. God I almost wish you could see what I had to fucking go through, just so you'd bloody know. It's amusing really, the array of negative emotions that once stemmed from love. Anyway, tomorrow brings a whole new month and a whole new day and all that bullshit crap. I'm sure it'll be better, I can make it better. 

And those of you know better and see through my (frankly pathetic) optimistic front would know that it's not that at all. It's just me being so god damn fucking tired of dealing with everything and desperately clinging on to any hope of tomorrow being a better day, just to get through today.

Well August would definitely be better cos July was just a fucking fuck fuck fuck.

You left me hanging from a thread,

We once swung from together.

I lick my wounds but 

I can't ever see them getting better.

Something's gotta change,

Things cannot stay the same.

One day I'll wake up and it won't hurt anymore

I wonder if it even makes a difference to try.

I asked her to stay, but she wouldn't listen.

She left before I had the chance to say.

The words that would mend

The things that were broken.

But now it's far too late, she's gone away.

Every night she cried herself to sleep

Thinking why does this happen to me?

Why does every moment have to be so hard?

Hard to believe it

It's not over tonight.

Just give me one more chance to make it right.

I may not make it through the night,

I won't go home without you.

The taste of her breath, I'll never get over.

The noises that she made kept me awake.

The weight of the things that remained unspoken

Built up so much it crushed us everyday.

Every night she cried herself to sleep

Thinking why does this happen to me?

Why does every moment have to be so hard?

Hard to believe it

It's not over tonight

Just give me one more chance to make it right

I may not make it through the night,

I won't go home without you.

Of all the things I felt but never really showed,

Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go

I should not ever let you go.

Screw fucking Maroon Five; oh and sorry Din.

Cos you cannot have me

Baby I'm better off this way.

A three-night weekend results in me missing monday morning lectures yet again and spending the rest of the day in a daze. I've got a trillion things running through my mind right now. I'm letting myself fall behind on school work, using my emotional state as an excuse to be distracted. So not worth it. Deadlines are looming and exams are right round the corner. And let's not forget presentations. Yuck.

At the same time I fight an internal battle; Should I or should I not. I guess I won't. It's harsh and mean and I really don't wanna, but you don't deserve it. And neither do I. Oh who am I kidding. You've probably decided by now that you just don't want it anymore simply cos you are the way you are. I can't handle more rejection. I don't deserve this, not again. I'm sure you're fine, more than fine I can bet. But I'm not and I'm taking a stand.. by running away. Don't look at me like that, I get to be selfish.

It's surprisingly not all that easy.

I want to break free.

I want to break free from your lies,

You're so self satisfied 

I don't need you

I've got to break free

I wish that we were strangers I could disengage

I fucking give up. 

I'm done, I just can't fucking deal with this anymore. Let me go, just shut up and fucking let me go. They were right all along, I just wish I listened to them in the first damn place. The only thing I blame myself for is ever believing in you. I feel bad though; I still do, despite everything you put me through. And I think this is the first time I'm admitting this, but it fucking hurts so much more than you'll ever imagine. Cos after everything, how I feel and my overall well-being is only worth this much to you.

I know it's harsh but I just can't.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it,
But I still have felt it,
Where's the sense in that?

Can we still be friends?

Cos it always ends the same with you.

Do you still think of me?

I count the hours, the days, the weeks.

I skipped all my classes today (I've been doing that a lot lately). So instead I lay in bed,hands tucked behind my head, snuggled and comfortable under my blanket, listening as it rains on the tin roof and no, not thinking, but reflecting. Reflecting on the past week and a half; how I handled myself, how everyone handled me and how I should have handled everything. But in particular I thought of all the things that everyone said in hopes of providing comfort and assurance. And the same phrases and words that burned right through me kept coming back up. Ups and downs bi, it can't be rosy forever. You're a strong girl, you'll get through it. You saw it coming bi, you knew it was bound to happen. Yes, STILL. No you cannot drown yourself in alcohol, and no drinking won't make the pain go away. 

And I know that every word is absolutely right. I think I've come to a point where it's not about the issue anymore, it's about me. It's not entirely about what happened, I'd like to think I'm past being affected by that(though we all secretly know that it's not totally true). It's more about me and how I'm taking it cos I'm actually using it as an excuse for my life to go downhill and to be in a bad mood. It's about how it's left me feeling cos my self-worth has taken such a huge blow and I can't undent it. You'd think it's you, but really it's about me.

I've been twisting and turning,

In a space thats too small.

I've been drawing the line and watching it fall.

You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart.

Watching us fade and watching it all fall apart.

I'm not that kind of girl

You should know I'd find out.

But thanks for taking the effort to tell me anyway, fuck it. Ugh. I'm so fucking frustrated with your timing and just you being you, but also at myself for letting it get to me like this. It's funny how incredibly impulsive I have become, thinking that maybe it'd help. Well not help, but distract me and maybe fill the void. Like how I pierced my ear, or the dumbfuck thing I did today (Ask me, you'd just DIE). I guess in that moment I thought, fuck it it's not a big deal. But my intentions were plain unhealthy and I am left wondering where the fuck it was I left my pride. 

I think everything just boils down to the fact that I hate the general direction my life is going. Din is right though, it's a choice. Every time something happens, I self-destruct. I push the blame, I drink, I lash out, I cry, I think, I take it out on the ones closest to me, I get impulsive. It's high time I realize that it does absolutely nothing for me. I have picked myself up though, no doubt about it. I just need a little push and I'd start moving forward. It just needs to hit me that these negative acts don't make it easier at all.

It just needs to hit me.

Fuck what I said,

It don't mean shit now.

All I have to do is think of her

Ups and downs, sweetie.

I have three vices: Coffee, alcohol and denial. And when I indulge in all three everything goes terribly wrong. Cos then I end up drunk in the middle of my brother's room, reeking of puke and having him look after me and making sure I don't get in trouble. Sorry darlings for dying on you. I know I should have listened. It's reassuring to know that there are still people here looking out for me though and making sure I'm okay after everything I've been through. And I know no one believes me but I'm fine.

Sometimes I wonder how you fill the gap someone leaves behind when they get up and walk out of your life. The gaping hole that penetrates your thoughts and leaves you questioning your self-worth. I mean, my track record for this year alone is fucking astonishing. And it leaves me in fear and fuck almost anticipation, wondering who else I'm going to lose next. Not that I want all of you back. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder baby, it just makes separation easier to handle as each fucking day goes by. But it doesn't make the thoughts, the disappointment and the angst go away does it. So how do you go about filling the hole?

Yesterday,

Love was such an easy game to play.

Now I need a place to hide away,

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Yesterday,

All my troubles seemed so far away,

Now it looks as though their here to stay,

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Oh how I long for yesterday

My first full moon without you

A can, a Venti and a shot on the house <3

Thursdays are Siglap days with Din and also my I-need-a-break-even-though-it's-Friday-tomorrow-and-I-have-a-ton-of-work-to-do days. Hahaha. Din flirting with the baristas (tsk tsk!) and them knowing my name and offering us free coffee is just all too funny to pass up. Everything's comfortable, we're relaxed for the first time in what seems like months and even the weather's perfect. Then it gets late, the wind gets a little colder, your thoughts get a little darker and it's right back to reality. I blame the moon! Ha. Ha. I've got so much to handle right now, I'm afraid to think about anything to come. 

Yes I am talking about school.

Thank you for turning on the light

Thank you cos now you're the parasite

I didn't think you had it in you

And now, you're looking like I used to

This hurts but I can't show

How are you gonna fix this?

I am two seconds away from a meltdown. The stress is killing me, the workload is absolutely crazy. All I need is a tiny break and I don't see that happening anytime soon. In fact it's just gonna get harder and harder, yes this is exactly what I need right now. Fuck it. Why won't someone just stab me in the face and put me out of my damn misery already! Fucking hell. I repeat once again that whichever fucker said that poly is slack ought to be shot. Well that's if you're in a good course anyway.

And these stupid thoughts rattling in my head don't help one bit.

I want to be free,

Baby you've hurt me

Guess who's single!

Happy Birthday Dode.

Maybe it's cos I had too much coffee, but I had a relatively good day. Well actually I think it' all the "What a fucking bastard!" reactions that's fueling it. Oh come on, don't pretend you expected more from me. You should have fucking known better.. but then again so should have I. Ha. ha. Actually it's all rather amusing if you take it with a pinch of salt, but if you don't then well it's incredibly maddening... Well you know.

Oh yes Dawde. Happy happy birthday to youuu! Yes strangely enough I do think of you, like when lunch is over and I have to put my own plate back, and when I need protection from Sonia and her.... self. HA! Oh and when I get really really REALLY bored in lecture. Haha! We will go out one day and you will buy me stuff. Good times good times..

Show up on Saturday, it'd be amusing as hell.

Now oh so easily you're over me

Gone is love

It's me that ought to be moving on!

You're not adorable,

I was something unignorable.

So shut up and let me go!

Five months too late

Why didn't I listen to either of you?

I figured it out. I figured out how I feel. Well, I know how I don't feel anyway and that's bitter. Because you can only be bitter if you're angry at someone and hold a grudge for a really petty reason. And I'm not. I'm angry for very justifiable and definitely not petty reasons. I'm beyond angry really, I'm fucking pissed off. No wait, that still does it injustice; I am so fucking mad that I cannot possibly express it into words. There. 

I'm just disappointed really, that this is all I fucking meant.

You should see the unedited version of this, I think that rage might surprise you.

And you do your best to show me love,

But you don't know what love is

I don't even know you

So this is what it came down to.

I had a bitter angry post but I hesitated and scraped it entirely simply because I know better. There's no point in any of that anymore. I came to a point where I cannot be bothered tolling myself with negative feelings anymore cos it's just so not fucking worth it. Well, except for the overwhelming angst and bitterness but I'm sure that'll pass. I need it now though, I really do. No point in lying about how I feel, I was and will be for a while a little upset. I mean I can't pretend it didn't mean anything, cos it really did. But other then that, I feel surprisingly calm about everything. And for once I don't think I'm just in denial about how I feel. I guess there's really nothing a coffee run at Siglap and a bunch of awesomely supportive friends can't fix then(:

This week is going to be another difficult, no doubt about it. Tests, deadlines and all that jazz. But I'll survive. I'm still here aren't I?

If I just breathe,

Let it fill the space in between

I'll know, everything is alright

Was it something I did wrong?

Stressed.

Overwrought.

Exhausted.

Overworked.

Emotional.

Worn-out.

Confused.

Hi.

I know I can't be close

But I try my best to reach you

Let's just forget it happened

Mondays are never easy.

Especially not the last few but that's a different story altogether eh? Long, arduous and just too tolling, everything seems like a blur and all you want to do is get your coffee fix and retire home to your bed and collapse and die. BUT, there's always a but, you realize that you have deadlines chasing you and you've got to pull yourself together for a couple more hours to get rid of them. On top of all of that, I cloud my mind with things I should have tucked away. I am a moron, I'd be the first to admit. Oh give me a break, I'm just scared. I'm jaded and confused. Is that a good enough excuse?

Oh and Mika, sorry for using your face twice in a row(:

If you don't know,

Then you can't care.

And I show up,

But you're not there.

But I'm waiting

And you want to.

Shut up and talk to me

Baby am I doing too much?

Well obviously yesterday was another bad day, but I feel a lot better now. Ignoring it won't make it go away I know that full well, but I'm completely stumped at what to do, if there's anything to do at all. So maybe shoving it aside for a while would help? Ha. I don't know. I know it won't but it's nothing I want to deal with right now. Unless someone gets some balls and opens their mouth. And by the looks of things, it really shouldn't be me seeing as everytime I do something goes terribly wrong. Ha. Ha. Sigh. Din, I mean it when I say that all I really learnt is that my pride was there for a reason.

I have so much to say.

Did it happen when we first kissed?

Cos it's hurting me to let it go,

Maybe it's cos we spend so much time,

And I know it's no more.

I should have never let you hold me baby,

Maybe it's why I'm sad to see us apart.

I didn't give it to you on purpose,

Gotta figure out how you stole my heart.

And nothing's ever gonna change

I'm taking this a lot harder than we all thought I would.

Today's three bus-stop long walk in the pouring rain sans an umbrella truly epitomizes how I feel about everything. Staring down the dull walkway as drops of water hit my bare skin and gloomy thoughts speed through my mind; freezing, slumped and incredibly vulnerable. I'm fine, I'm just tired. But of course no one bought that; I'm a wreck. It's the overwhelming sense of emptiness that I cannot seem to shake. It's the haunting noise of a broken heart. It's the cloud of disappointment and shattered hope. It's the feeling of being at a complete lost at everything, the feeling of having everything fall at the same damn time. It's just.. everything. 

So I drown myself in Maroon 5, Din and a mountain of homework thinking that maybe it'll get better, maybe it'll get easier. But it doesn't. It just keeps coming, blow after blow, day after day. I'm not weak, I'm just tired. Tired of having to deal with everything, tired of constantly feeling so physically and emotionally drained, tired of depending on others, slightly tired of fighting, tired of acting strong and tired from pretending it doesn't kill me. 

Thanks everyone for everything though.

Lie awake in an empty room,

In my head it all feels the same.

Like the taste of the day you left,

That still lingers on my breath.

And the dampness of your tears,

A stain where you wept.

Why do you do this to me?

You penetrate right through me.

Everytime I wind up back at your door.

Cos you think you want me back

Overwhelm me.

Impulsive, scandalous, emotional, impossible, dependent, divided, confused. That's me. It's funny how life never fails to come around and bite you right in the ass. Reactions long forgotten, hollow words and intentions gone wrong leave me reeling and vulnerable. People that once left me in bliss now tear me apart. Memories that seemed beautiful broke me. And so I'm left with a dilema, a choice. Both which end in the dark recesses of heartbreak and spilt coffee. What I want versus what I know I should want. Funnily enough, I knew in a heartbeat what my choice would be whether I'll admit it or not. So it'll stay locked in my head, I connived, forgetting who reads me like an open book. Futile. So I guess you know. Now's your turn.

The seven things I hate about you.

You're vain, your games, you're insecure

You love me, you like her

You make me laugh

You make me cry

I don't know which side to buy

Your friends, they're jerks

When you act like them

Just to know it hurts

I wanna be with the one I know

And the seventh thing I hate the most that you do

-.