Hold on to me and never let me go

Tomorrow!

(I'm secretly fucking freaking out. Hehe)

I keep dreaming

That you'll be with me,

And you'll never go.

I only smoke when I'm with you

Good clean fun my ass.

I want with every fiber of my being to pretend that nothing happened, to sweep it right under my already overfilling carpet. I am contemplative and still slightly shagged as I finally get to sit down and sort out my thoughts and tend to my wounds; both physical and mental. Fuck, Shah you know I love you but you need to lose some fucking weight balls. I never want to be in such close proximity to you ever again. And I'm not expecting these photos to appear anywhere else alright Marika and Faith?(: Haha! Thanks again loves for everything(:

Got up the next morning, sobered up and off to SAC. It was thought-provoking, because along with the overwhelming sense of nostalgia came a contradicting mix of excitement and a quiet sadness. In a weird way despite the change things are still the same. Unexplainable; let's move on. Traditional yet new-aged(Haha) post-exams celebratory outing with Din and then Baybeats spontaneously, which saw us on the Esplanade rooftop absolutely spent in every possible way. Looks like it's going to be a pretty long weekend too, perhaps my last free one before I begin work. I guess things have changed after all.

And you'd help me out of the dark,

And I'd give you my heart as an offering.

I want a hot girlfriend.

Cos freedom tastes like coffee

Surprisingly, I am rather satisfied. Maybe not with the papers, Essential Graphics can fucking rot in hell and I definitely didn't try my hardest, but well I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just the calm after the storm or all the shopping that I did. Hmm. I think it's merely that it just hit me that the holidays are here. Living on the edge again or heck, maybe even just some good clean fun this time round. Actually yes, that does sound appealing. Shopping, beach, maybe a job(HA), coffee dates, girls; just the way things should be(: Hahaha. In the midst of it all, I smell change in physical and hopefully emotional states. Physical changes, simply cos I'm as angsty as they come. That and just wanting to see for myself how daring I actually am! Hahaha, do not comment. Oh and Son, I really do hope your hair turns out fantastic(: And I know that eventually I'll get bored and all that jazz, but right now I'm just happy where I am and it really has been along time since last.

I've got more wit, a better kiss,

A hotter touch, a better fuck,

Then any boy you'll ever meet,

Sweetie you had me.

Girl, I was it.

Why is she your friend again?!

Here we go;

Don't tell me I'm not alone,

Cos I will shoot you.

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

In shattered pieces that may never be replaced

Stay up all night with the stars.

I am over-blogging because I'd rather think than study. I don't even have much to say, except maybe that I feel like I am in a really weird place in my life right now. Everything seems to be stuck in transition mode and I'm just coasting along, accepting things as they come. 85 left me reminiscing and I realized how much I fucking miss night studies. Letting myself get so fucking distracted over the night sky and it's lunar wonders and wishing that those nights would last forever. Oh to be naive again. Dinner opposite school, Pau and her extensive knowledge of food, Starbucks-on-the-go from Audrey, Sonia's Lizzie's and my failure attempt at climbing a tree and everything else in between. I miss everything but more importantly I miss the people that made it all so fucking memorable. I've also been missing things I shouldn't be missing so god-damn much lately and it's scaring me fuck.

But I digress. Being in transition mode is odd indeed. Everything is moving, a little too quickly for my liking but who am I to say anymore. Change is the only constant and I have accepted that long ago. In fact I'm starting to see that problems only really occur when people don't change. When they remain the same, just as immature just as selfish and just as fucked up, as before. I have learnt that the hard way multiple times. But on the other hand, change is difficult to swallow, difficult to accept, difficult to adapt to without feeling like you've lost a part of you. So I'm just coasting along and hoping with every fiber of my being that it's all temporary, but somehow my denial is wearing thin and it's about to hit that everything has changed for good and it won't go back.

With my heart beside me,

In shattered pieces that may never be replaced.

Inside I hope you know I'm dying

This just isn't funny anymore.

I am exhausted, I haven't been able to sleep. I am falling behind, I haven't been able to concentrate. I am stuck in the same damn place and I can't move. I'm trying I really am. I am angry at the world and myself, and really it's just another day in my life cos I've been like that for the past forever and I hate it. 

Cause nothing feels like home,

You're a thousand miles away.

And the hardest part of living,

Is just taking breaths to stay

I wish you were here with me tonight

I hate how everyone has to coax me, remind me, nudge me, push me to study before I'd even begin to start simply because I have fucking given up. I hate how everyone has to check if I studied today because they know that I probably wouldn't have concentrated much because I just don't care anymore. It's not that I don't love you for it, I do. I just hate how much things have changed for me. I hate how I know it's a big deal but just can't be bothered. I hate how I used to be the one telling people to study and how I now have to be told. I hate that I know I can do it like I've done millions of times before, but I just don't wanna try. I hate that I know it's not fucking worth it. I hate that I have so many excuses for myself and for what I have become. I miss it all, how it used to be before I started to hate things

Where are you?

And I'm so sorry

I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight.

I need somebody and always

This sick strange darkness

Comes creeping on so haunting every time

I never said I missed her, I miss her.

And all this time, I've watch it change,

But it's still the same.

I had a terrible dream, not the kind filled with monsters or dragons, but the realistic kind when you wake up with an empty feeling and questions swirling in your brain. Not a brilliant start I suppose but Siglap my love saved the day once again. My mind has been in an odd disarray though and it's crippling my ability to concentrate on studying. Everything feels like such a mess, like there's so much going on I don't even know where to begin. Actually what it feels like is reels and reels of tape, all precious memories, being played from one of them old projector thingys. All of them cut exactly where I want, portraying only what I want to see. Except this time all the little details I overlooked then are glaring me in my face. All the signs, all the gestures, all the damn intentions I chose to ignore now returning to taunt me and successfully make me feel like a fucking idiot. Everything the way it should be, but never will be. Everything wrong, just plain wrong. 

Images of broken light which

Dance before me like a million eyes

That call me on and on

Across the universe

If only you were here?

It's amazing how gross we look with alcohol and flash.

So birthday weekend came and went. Happy birthday Marika, Pau and Kat! Hope you loved the cake babe! Love you loads! And Pau, I heart you many many! After all the calling and the yelling and the painting and the shopping at Ikea with Chris, the night turned out brilliant. The most fun I've had in a while I would say! Well cleaning up the excess Hokkien Mee must have been a different story altogether, but you know. Hahaha. Neither was having to ask two different people permission for a drink, but fine that was slightly amusing. Haha.

Exams are in a week and I just got in holiday mode. Rahr. This week saw me reconsidering priorities, obligations, pride, my motivation to strive, the past and all it's complications. All the reflecting I guess changed my perception of things. Like how I finally understood that priorities shift and stuff become obligations because time changes things. Or how I realized my motivation behind everything, especially school, was that I wanted you to be proud of me, which is dumb. In a weird way it made putting everything aside for just one night finally make sense to me. Yes I am well aware that this wont make sense to anyone, but it does to me so I'm posting it anyway!

And everybody gets their way,

I never said I missed her

When everybody kissed her.

Now I'm the only one to blame.

Things have changed for me,

But that's okay.