Thought I was her star

I miss my star.

I am drawing a blank. This year will just be a blank. I will not turn seventeen, I just am. No celebration needed, not even a mention. God, this is really making me feel old. Ha. But of course like every other thing I choose to pretend won't happen, it does. It happens. Roar. Lately, it seems like my life is fruitless. And I don't mean that I'm bored with my lifestyle slash friends slash everyday dramas or that work is dull and all that recurring daily crap. I mean the fact that, as Am has so fundamentally put it, but there's nothing to wake up to but Frosties. Everything seems so routine, so ordinary and frankly just so damn pointless. I almost feel as if I'm just going through the motions and yadayada; no sense of importance, no sense of accomplishment, no sense of satisfaction. Just, for the lack of a better word, emptiness. I tried to draw up a mental list of everything important to me as of now and well.. I drew a blank. These thoughts are impossible to pen down without sounding even the slightest bit suicidal. HA. On a different note, Lesson learnt, I'm stepping out of that one.

Knowing me, knowing you,

There is nothing we can do.

How can I even try to go on?

Oh dear child, have we gotten old?

So the much anticipated or more like dreaded weekend is finally over! Work is dull as ever. Well, today's temporary stint at Harbor freaking Front wasn't as horrific as I imagined. In fact, the six hours seemed much shorter than the normal four I sulk through at the norm. Plus because I quite literally dragged myself out of bed before twelve, I got to watch F1! Which surprises me too, but really it was pretty damn cool to say the least. Ha! I blame the Chew. Yes Saturday was I think the first time we hung without me shopping at all! Well that's only cos I blew $oopsoopsoops on Thursday. Hahaha sod off. Caught the movie of the season, MAMA MIA, (Gosh I can be so fuh-reaking mainstream sometimes) and we died. I can't understand how people could sit and seriously appreciate random heads popping up outta nowhere, goats and mules while Chew and I cackled our way through. What a word. HA. After that, stupid couple crashed the joint with empty promises of yogurt and a cruel trick in the midst of a china invasion and the wrath of the annoying as fuck whatever-she-is. You suck. 

Well other than that and the random messages from random boys (hehe) , the weekend has only been survivable because I have clogged all the emotions and hid them in some dusty corner. Cos if I didn't, I'd be filled with resentment, bitterness and sadness really even though I anticipated it all too early. I expect too much from the wrong people. I am going to drown myself in ABBA now! Gosh I really do feel old.

Dont go sharing your devotion,

Lay all your love on me.

Didn't think I'd miss her that much

I don't need to be reminded that everything is over. Don't need to know that holidays are half done. Don't need to know that I'm working three days straight. Don't need to remember that I have to jostle with half the world to get back. Don't need to be reminded this is the fucking weekend JC people get off. Don't care that everyone will be out except me and well.. Din. Don't need to face the thought of going back to school again. Don't need to be told my paycheck's not going to be very big. Don't quite give a fuck that I'm about to impale another hole in myself. Don't wanna think of the dates and what it'll hinder. Didn't need to be told I'm the only one. Don't even wanna begin to grasp the fact that my birthday's coming and that everything will be so different. Don't wanna remember that I'm just not a kid anymore. Don't care bout my responsibilities and blahblahblah. Don't wanna know about that girl. Don't wanna deal with any of this right now. Don't wanna face the extent of the damage. Especially don't wanna be reminded that September is ending and that another month has pass me by and that my life is still quite meaningless. I just wanna let it go. Thank you. 

My heart is aching.

My heart is going insane

I hate my job. I hate that it's so dull and I hate customer service when I am in a terrible mood. I hate everything. I hate limitations. I really really hate you. I hate obligations. I hate all these dumbfuck memories.I hate half my wardrobe. I hate all this emotional music. I hate the pity. I hate not having enough money. I hate how everything moves so fast. I hate the thought of going back to school. I hate change. I hate F1. Have I mentioned that I hate my fucking job? I just want to fuck it all and shop and party my fucking life away. Is that too much to ask for?

We said let's not leave on bad terms,

In between them bad words

Break down the door to your heart

I will stand a broken man.

My watch doesn't work. As much as I try to rewind it, to take it all back, to transport myself back to a time when things made sense, I can't. That hardly seems fair.. or makes sense! Roar. It was bound to happen, I guess I'm glad I saw it before I walked right into the mess then. HA. I guess. Oh dear me, what have I gotten myself into this time? Everything is a figment of my imagination, everything is blown up, exploded, expanded in my mind. Or maybe in actual fact everything is decreased, downsized, disregarded. Everything that hurts is thrown aside in this brain of mine and replaced by happy thoughts and make-believe memories that glazes over the wounds. I refuse to see the inflictor in it's true light, but in one that I create myself where everything is the way I want it to be. Which might just explain why I am still stuck. Here.

So here we go again,

With all the things you said.

And not a minute spent,

To think that we'd regret.

Still I'm dying with every step I take

Holidays are hazardous.

Can you tell that I have way too much free time? I am not moving, I am expanding! (In case you are ever curious about what I wear everyday. HAHA) Well I get that bored really. I slept most of this week away and spent the rest of the time out spending too much money. Oh and folding tiny clothes. Haha. Stupid proving my sobriety. Well I did it, so in your face people who did not believe I could go a week without my vices. So in the name of good clean fun I spent a lot of time reconsidering my wardrobe, which I will attempt to sort out tomorrow. I detest logical shopping, but my money is tight at the moment (seeing as how I blew close to five hundred since school ended on.. coffee?) Roar. My fantasy vacation remains a fantasy at the moment. Plus if I leave, upon my arrival back I'd be greeted with a sweeping wave of change and confusion anyway. Not very inviting. I will be working next weekend as well so no fun for me. I feel like telling someone I missed them but Gosh that would be more inappropriate than if I told you I missed you. Goodness gracious me! Let's try to shut our traps this time alright?

My heart ain't a brain,

But I'm thinking that 

I still -.

Discuss me over cigarettes

We're all addicted to something.

I hate working at the Baby section for multiple reasons. First, it's dull as hell. And folding tiny (Like seriously miniature) articles of clothing make me feel huge, and that's just not cool. And more importantly it makes me feel really old. I know I'm not actually that old seeing as I'm still sixteen and Din's turning eighteen in very very soon. Rahr. But really spending hours arranging and rearranging tiny clothes does nothing but serve as a reminding of how long ago it was that you could fit into something that small and how much harder life is now. I am wasting my life away and yet if I was a tiny toddler, I'd just be living it. Cos there's not a lot about me that's reminiscent of my younger days, expect perhaps my toy watch and we all know that it doesn't actually work! Hahaha. The only thing I'm grateful about is that I consider work one of the way I'm wasting my youth while adults are just living. Ha!

 

Can't say I'm sad to see you go,

Cos I'm not

Can you hear me screaming?

I am wasting my life away.

One Two Three Four,

Tell me that you love me more.

Sleepless long nights,

That is what my youth is for.

Can't remember why I fell in love with this

There's nothing left to show you

I have quite metaphorically speaking of course relented and swept another booze-infused night right under my security carpet and climbed up the huge heap and sat crossed-legged on top, beaming from the pride of having conquered my imaginary mountain. Only to look up to realize that my head is almost hitting the ceiling, oh dear child. Even my moral and mental triumph that came in rather bitchy electronic words and a less-than-endearing smiley quickly dissipated when I realized hours later that I had just given the permission to shirk responsibilities and guilt. Great job, oh am I being discreet enough by the way?

Well sod that then. There's too much to say, and that'll be my cue to keep my big fat mouth shut. Somehow I never listen, or shut up. (What DO I do then? Jeez) Well sorry bout that then honey, even if you don't love me anymore. If I had an LJ my mood would say contemplative, or apathetic, or well just plain bored. Maroon Five is playing. Oh and it seems the world is now divided right down the middle again and the comfort that I so selfishly indulged in now non-existent. Rahr. I'm going to sing "Miss you Love you" all night. Yeah definitely not discreet enough.

My heart is crushed,

By a former love.

Can you help me find a way

To carry on again?

Can't say I'm sad to see you go, I'm miserable

Hello Miss secretly emo;

Do you miss me?

I didn't think so.

So we just take it back,

These words and hold our breath,

Forget the things we swore we meant.

Why won't she love me anymore?

Because I have changed;

I am impulsive,

I am reckless,

I am stupid,

I am irresponsible,

I am tempted,

I am selfish,

I am insecure,

I am hypocritical,

I am emotional,

I am a burden,

I am weak.

This is not what I intended,

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart.

You always thought that I was stronger,

I may have failed,

But I have loved you from the start.

If you see this girl, can you tell her where I am?

*censored picture=)*

Thinking maybe you'll come back here

I think work has pretty much given up on me so I am now free as a bird (Unless it's in a cage hanging off Sonia's neck that is. Hehe.) So the past week has been.. interesting to say the least. Involves K.O.ing in a pub after panic-induced drunk calls(that were not from me for once), lazy nights at Siglap enjoying my view, impromtu plans to crash an ahem-ahem party but failing oh so miserably and getting beer and chips instead, not forgetting a creepy encounter with creepy mc-creep creep and the surprising choice not to flirt with a bouncer. Hahaha.

Youth. The privilege to be reckless, impulsive and just plain irresponsible that I quite frankly take advantage of. But that's a whole different issue, as always. What I'm most.. ashamed of is possibly the fact that I am very aware of every step I slip, of everything you are underserving of. Sometimes I wonder if the world is big enough for the both of us, you have your corner I have mine. You have your life, I have mine. And yet somewhere deep down inside, despite the fact that you have shattered the entity of my world by the simple act of leaving, I want yours. This world is big enough I can bet, I just want a larger slice. I don't want a different corner, I don't quite give a damn how much better or how much easier it would be. I want my same old space, I want familiarity, routine, comfort, love. Greed I guess is something else I abuse.

You'd see me waiting for you

On the corner of the street.

Nothing's worse than when you know it's over

I find my heart is growing weak.

I hate that my holidays do not comprise of Pau or Buu simply cos exams have stolen them from me and I cannot steal them back. So I spend my days with the rest of my girls hanging out over coffee, spending more money than I make and saving each other from ourselves. Or even just alone with a book, people watching (or shall I say person) and rolling my tongue around. Or well, folding clothes. Ha. And yet I find myself slipping quite a tad into a routine, using PMS as an outlet (or shall I say excuse) for my angst and more aptly grieve. Maybe I am hitting menopause(!) Hahaha. God knows what exactly it is that's triggering these random burst of emotions but they tick me off considerably and yet I know it's a choice. I haven't been great at decision-making of late, yes I know you're disappointed in me Din. So am I but I made that choice so I'm to blame. Speaking of which, I also chose to run or more accurately to feign ignorance. I doubt it would've made an impact anyway seeing as how I have been left here with such ease it hurts. 

Today in the blink of an eye,

I'm holding onto something

And I do not know why 

I tried.

By pretending that she still loves me

I wonder if it even makes a difference to try.

I heard you say you needed me now,

What's the problem? I can't see.

You've destroyed me, 

I won't fall apart again.

I'm not falling apart.

You destroyed me

Leave your reasons on the bathroom sink.

I wonder, sit around and ponder. Contemplating, sorting, thinking. Trying to figure out what exactly it is that I feel. I always have an excuse for myself, blaming my mistakes on something, on someone else. But when you see for yourself a reflection of what you are and what you've become, that's when the enormity of everything really hits you. Cos it really is rather pathetic, I have to admit and I feel a bit like shooting myself but you know, shit happens (and I have all the wounds to prove it) But yes it really did hit like a ton of bricks last night how sad I really am and how much it sucks. Cos everything around me is just whirling by; time, people, change. Everyone's moving (on) and so am I but at a much slower pace. I think the problem is that I simply don't want to. I don't want to go forward, I want to go back. So I'm still here, wondering pondering contemplating, regretting reflecting considering weighing expecting wishing.. hoping.

Another night,

Another dream wasted on you.

With no one here just by your side

I hate this. I'm cranky because I'm freaking starving. I'm fucking scared, it's really getting worse and I'm freaking out and no one cares. I'm so fucking tired, absolutely drained and I don't know why. I don't want things to move, I don't want them to change, I don't want to be here. I just want to revert to when everything fucking made sense. Goodnight.

I can't forget you,

I know you want me to want you,

I want to

It didn't hurt as much as when you left

Yes, I really pierced my tongue.

But what I can't believe is that it's already September. Well okay fine. There was a lot of spit and the piercing bit hurt like a bitch for me, and I can't pronounce anything with a 'th'. It's still pretty swollen and I'm fucking starving cos I can't ingest anything solid. But I did it. And if you think I'm crazy then well, get in line. But I did it, I fucking did it. So if you thought I wouldn't dare or if you told me not to get it, then.. Aw too bad(:

HAHAHA I'm insane. But August; Projects ending, exams, parties, chalets, Baybeats, Boys like Girls, Lobster crab and champagne, and some of the best company I could ask for. So it went better than July, heck probably even June. It's a wonder how I find the fact that it actually did slightly unbelievable; or maybe the word I'm look for is sad. Haha. September seems to be a tad bleak but I'm feeling strangely okay with that. All this does me more damage than good anyway. Well a lot of things do me more damage than good but I did them all. A lot has changed since the last September holidays when Din and I spent five consecutive days together. I know they say not to live like that but I regret a lot of things, especially those that put me here. Now all I need to do is figure out where exactly here is. It's way too late for my to comprehend what I just said.

Your voice was the sound track of my summer,

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder.