a hopeful kind of sad

"It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don't like, I'll tell them."

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.”

hold your heart in both hands

Tonight, I feel a tinge of guilt. Not for whatever happened, but for how selfishly I've been acting and thinking the last few weeks. I keep telling myself that I'm feeling better, I can detach from this, etc. I am.. but I'm definitely not pushing myself to become a better person. The rate I've been misbehaving, I'm bound to get more and more tangled in this mess that I know I shouldn't be a part of. I don't know how this can possibly end. On one hand, I am still holding onto so much anger and resentment. And that's all fine and fair since I deserve to feel that way and I still want to protect myself. But on the other hand, I sometimes think about how much better he actually made me feel and how, in a fucked up way, he unknowingly helped me out of that self-deprecating spiral.. and I feel like I should also try to be that person for him. But also, I just can't fucking bring myself to. It makes me to sad to see him this way.. but selfishly it also makes me fucking angry thinking about how I'm not the only reason he's sad. I know it's psycho but I don't fucking care. That's the fucking problem. I fucking understand like baggage and time and mistakes and feeling lousy and all that other crap that I know and I get it but also I'm impatient and selfish and greedy and just all around a terrible person. I may not actually know what I want, but I fucking know that I don't intend on being some fucking consolation prize or just someone to fill your weird lonely boy void. We all have issues to work out right? But since all my pain is self inflicted (#poorlittlerichgirl) and I'm generally further along in erm.. life, I know that as a friend I really can be there. But then what about me and how I may or may not feel? Times like this, I feel that tinge of shame for stringing this along, for letting it get this far, for getting so grossly involved with someone I truly care about. But most times all I can think of is, what the fuck about me and what I want?

I said it's been a long time

It's been a pretty interesting couple of weeks. My mood has shifted so much recently. Even though I've been feeling infinitely better than before.. I know I still have a ways to go. Yes, I do feel lighter and better because I made the conscious choice to detach from the situations that were bringing me down. But I would be absolutely lying if I said that they don't still bother me.. because they are still important to me. All I did was learn to not let it affect me and my mood every single fucking day, to not hang on every single word and to (try) not to place all hope and concentration on it. It's still a struggle, but at least I'm trying to make it slightly easier for myself. I'm not really trying to run away. I still think about them a lot. For one, I at least clearly see how the situation looks from my perspective. I can't help it that I am still holding on to some anger about what happened and or actually more like how you reacted to the situation that you caused. It's beyond a doubt true that unless I deal with how I feel and properly accept that nothing can happen between us.. I will not be able to truly be here for him as a friend. I guess a couple of weeks really wasn't enough time (mostly cos I just childishly ignored it), but also I'm honestly not sure what can be done, if anything at all, to make me trust him again. I hate for him to think that I don't care about him, but I just can't bring myself to look him in the eye and ask how he is. Also, I have zero defences for him right now as a person. Sometimes just looking at him irks me.. which makes me sad thinking about how important he actually is.. or was..?  Ugh. I mean, yeah you're fucking sad obviously I get it, but like.. what the fuck did you think it was going to be? I wouldn't go as far as the rest to say you deserve to have someone (read: me) do it to you too, but I can't bring myself to stand up for you right now cos all I can see are my poor little rich girl problems. Hur hur. I can already see how bad that blow out is going to be once I can no longer contain this brewing anger. Moving on to other situations - I'm hella glad that I (to some extent) made the choice to try to step back and out of this.. whatever the fuck you call it. Now that I've pulled myself out of that ugly spiral of self-deprecation and misery, I can see that you're just a dick. I mean, that's fine and all. You also seem like a right mess, but at least I'm not so pathetically blinded by my weird feelings (read: obsession). I must say that at least I'm not letting it affect my self esteem and how I feel myself and all that pathetic shit. Oh but.. #weboflies and all.  I know I should just.. let all of this shit go and just fucking focus on getting myself back on track. I'm trying my best to not get in any more trouble. I just need to accept that neither of these are going to materialize to anything either. Easier said than done though.

please

I just want you to choose me

I'M DYING

I fucking miss you. When the fuck are we going to make this happen?

but I'm just scared

I have so much to say.. to you, about you, with you. I know it's dumb because I know this space is good and I want this too.. but I can't help but occasionally let my mind wander to thoughts of you and what you've been up to and if you are dealing with shit well and or if you still think about me. I just don't want to feel stupid. And although I know what I know.. I can't help but feel that tinge of insecurity wondering if you'll change your mind about me and this. Me hiding behind my jacket as my friends tease me about having feelings and gay shit like that.. it says a lot. I'm the kind of person who is fucking honest with myself right. I know how I feel. I acknowledge this.. as much as I hate it because of the situation and the fact that you handled it poorly.. it somehow does not change the fact that I feel what I feel..? And you're right - you truly don't fucking deserve this. And I know I'm mean spirited and have mean thoughts and I've been giving nothing but mixed signals and acting like I'm above this and you. Everyone who's close to me knows that this is my fucked up defence mechanism because I don't like to feel gay things. I truly do feel less emotionally invested in this though.. that one I can't deny. I mean look.. at the end of the day, I fucking respect myself right. I know I don't have to put up with this shit. I can't bring myself to be constantly looking out for your sorry ass when 1) you don't even give a flying fuck about yourself 2) I don't even know what I want and I don't even know how to really look after myself. I had to disassociate for myself and my emotional health. I was going through a really tough time in those few weeks, dealing with how I felt about myself and my self worth. And the way things worked out pushed me to step out of it, and for that I am super grateful because I feel so much lighter and better now. I didn't deserve to be dragged down. Yes, I took things a little personally because I myself was/am struggling with the kind of person I became. My point is.. this is important to me. If it wasn't, I wouldn't still be so mad. If it wasn't, I would've continued playing with vicious intent. I easily could've made this uglier. I could've fucked shit up from the start.. and I believe that if I was 5 years younger, I really would have and I would have fucking enjoyed every minute of it (because I am mean spirited as fuck). Okay. I'm not out here tryna praise myself for not being psychotic. What I am really trying to say, in the least conceited possible way, is that I'm glad you did this with me. Because I will still want to look out for you. Well first imma look out for myself.. but I will still spare a thought for you and the situation because I really fucking empathize. Of all things and of all people, I really fucking empathize with this, especially in this age and time in my life. And as much as I think less of the two of you now.. it's really not my problem to deal with. I'm not fucking sorry. Please for the love of god take note of this. I will never be sorry. I'm only responsible for myself and for my own actions and consequences. I have zero fucking obligations to you. But I spare a thought for you because I really want to. I want you to be okay. I know you need time. I mean shit, even I needed time even though it was my choice. I get that. I really truly understand this. And I wanna give you that space.. and myself as well. I hate how this happened but there's really no point fucking crying over spilt milk. We made this choice.. we did. And as much as I don't fucking know what I want or may want or don't want.. I wish you will at least be honest with me. I have no expectations of what may or may not happen.. if you really wanted to go back to that, then so be it, you'll get what you deserve. I just want to at least feel that our connection was real and true and honest. That's all I can think of right now. I've been around.. I know that this kind of connection doesn't come by easily. I don't regret a single moment that happened. And if it doesn't work out.. I think I can live with it. But I would really want it to be honest and open and true. I don't know if that's a lot to ask cos I may be too in it to see.. but that's just what I wish for right at this very moment.

the story of us

do you think about me still?

leave me with some kind of proof its not a dream

Tonight I feel the heavy hand of sadness. I know I am stupid. This entire situation is stupid. Even saying "this situation" is stupid.. because it probably only exists as a situation to me. I can barely remember what it feels like anymore. I know it's a combination of literally everything.. my feelings for you, wanting what I cannot have, the fucked up things you say, not wanting to be that kind of person, etc etc. I know it's everything. The more we thought about it, the worse it became. I say we because I still believe that you and I are the same. As much as I know it doesn't make sense.. or even matter.. I want to believe that you feel the same as I do. I know it probably isn't real. I don't think it ever was.. even from years and years and years ago. I know I should let go.. and I am really trying. I don't want to be played by you anymore. I don't want to be holding on to this uncertainty when I know there will never be a day where you will actually show up. Also.. this web of lies and what not. Ugh. I just can't believe that we literally let an entire quarter of an entire year go by without even giving this a proper shot. I know it says a lot.. despite all the sweet nothings you spill into my ears while drunk. But I still cannot fucking believe that this is how it played out. I cannot believe I really didn't get what I wanted. After all these years. Don't tell me I have to wait another five fucking years for something to happen.. because I don't fucking have that time. I'm mostly angry that it turned out this way.. because you didn't even want to try. I know we both did this.. I also wanted to gamble. I get it. I got burnt. I actually had a pretty good hand but I couldn't bluff.. or I didn't want to. I am mostly angry at you.. but tonight I'm feeling pretty down. All I can think of is how you didn't choose me.. and it actually kind of hurts. Almost.

for a faded fuck

But baby, don't get it twisted
You was just another nigga on the hit list
Tryna fix your inner issues with a bad bitch
Didn't they tell you that I was a savage?

I'll take you back if you'll have me

please let me keep this memory

“Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive. But I’m just a fucked up girl who’s looking for her own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.”

don't stay up and wait for me

Despite all the things that I have done, have allowed to happen, or have happened to me, I need to say that I am truly grateful for everything that I still have. I have been saying for months that I am not in a good place in my life, that my life is in a mess - and I honestly have been using it as an excuse to behave badly. I know I am extremely spoilt; if I want something, I am not going to be pleased until I get it in the exact fucking way that I want it. I know that this is something I truly need to work on for myself, to accept that I can't have everything that I want all the time. I know I have changed for the better.. if whatever is happening now happened 5 years ago, I would have definitely reacted differently. What I need to consider is why I let this happen in the first place. My stance is that I am only responsible for myself so I can do whatever I want. I still believe in that because this is the choice that I made for myself, and I am perfectly fine with facing the consequences that I have created for myself. What I do not believe in is taking the blame for other people's actions and feelings, because that is everybody's own responsibility. Ultimately, my biggest issue is that I am mostly self aware of the kind of morally bankrupt, selfish and greedy person that I am.. but still choose to be this way. I know it's fucked up, but at least I can fucking accept myself for who I am, as opposed to some people (read: fuckbois) who can't even see how much of a deviant they actually are. Anyway my point is, I have finally reached a point where I can't deny that I am just blindly bulldozing my way through the days with my pride and feelings and desires. I need to fix things for myself. I am going to stop simply saying that I am in a bad place, and I am going to actually try to focus on myself and the kind of person that I want to be. I chose to take that leap a few months ago so that I don't have to be responsible for someone that doesn't appreciate it. I don't want to fall back into that same shit, but I definitely will if I continue to pillage as recklessly as I have been. Having said all of that, the amazing thing that I have to acknowledge is how much I have in my life. I am eternally grateful for everything, and I am not just talking about the stuff and the car and all that which I am also fucking ridiculously grateful for. I mean the amazing support system I have around me, from my family to my friends. The way I've been acting, I don't deserve any of this care and concern, but they so readily give it to me.. and I will not ever be able to forgive myself if I continue acting like a selfish child despite the full life that I have. I need to do this. I need to get good.

choose life.

I am really going to miss you.

WHAT DO I GOTTA DO TO GET INTO YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HEART?

don't you?

every time you hurt me

Back to reality after an amazing, boozy time in the +44. I know I went there with the intention of running away from my life, work, fuckbois and every neurotic thought that burns fire in my mind.. but I really did not. I let my ghosts follow me as I wandered through the eclectic streets of London.. and I think it helped in a way. First of all, I don't understand how anyone can drink that much and that frequently, holiday or not. Even I'm not that bad bruv. I know one short holiday isn't going to fix my life and the way I think and the way I want, but it did help shift some things into perspective for me. I think I lost sight of why I let go of my youth, distracted as usual by the idea of cute boys and misplaced feelings and desire and what not. I did this so that I could grow out of myself, grow up and onto better things. I wanted to change and be better for myself, and no one else. I now realize that I have spent too much time and effort caring and worrying about what certain people think about me, whether they believe I've changed and not. Those people are kids I've known most of my youth. It's inevitable that they won't be able to shake that image or idea of me at 18, 21 or 23. I get it now, because I will always see them in that same light as well. Not 100%, but shades of their former selves. Look. I get it. No one truly fucking changes. I will always be reckless in certain ways like impulsively buying bags, reckless with my emotions and with my words. But I know when to fucking draw the line. I know when to say no. And you.. I wish you really would believe me. I wish that if I said that I only did it with you because I trust you, and I want you, and I would have chosen you over anyone else. But I won't say it because you just seem interested in playing games and being mean and being the ultimate fuckboi. It makes me sad because sometimes I wish I had the chance to finally fucking admit that I really want you, that I don't really care if it makes sense, that I don't want you to want anyone else. But I can't because now that I want you, you don't want me anymore. It sucks.. but to some pathetic extent, I think I have come to terms with it. Or at least, I'm struggling to come to terms with what happened. I guess the most important thing is that, I hate myself less for it now. I know I've changed. I know that for myself and that's enough. I know I still have a ways to go.. and I'm going to try my best to push forward and away from this negativity and unnecessary games and psychotic thoughts.

well now that you've got your gun

Aren't I going to feel exactly the same when I come home?

complic8d

This isn't my favourite thing to have happened. I feel lousy and I cannot wait to run away. I know running off isn't going to change anything, and I know I am probably going to still feel the same way when I come back.. but I really need this. I need to catch a break. I really don't know why this had to happen.. but it did and we talked about it and it's fine. It's fine right? It's fine. It doesn't have to be weird.. I mean it is weird.. but it doesn't have to be. We just need a bit of time to forget that we talked about this. WHY? Why would anyone choose me, of all people? Because I'm fun and fleeting and all that fake shit. Someone to help you forget about your comfortable life? I know that's unfortunately how a lot of guys see me, but I think it's different for you. I know I told you what you feel isn't real.. but I have an inkling that it is. Last night was really nice and honest ish.. as honest as it can be when we're hiding behind the haze of wine. All I can think of now are the city lights reflecting off the quiet water as I coaxed you into opening up. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to force it out of you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I don't want to lose you, you're such a big part of my life right now. And above all else, I truly don't feel anything more than this. And though the night ended bittersweet, it was definitely weird today. Inevitable. I can't afford to lose you and I'm worried that if things carry on this way, I'll either make myself miserable over nothing (as I always do) or we'll have to start distancing ourselves from each other. That sucks man. My mind is in an absolute mess.

somebody else

I don't think I've ever wanted anything more in my life... it's a fucking shame that I will never have it

I guess I'll really never have it again

one more night

what if I never see you again?

show me show me show me a better plan

A million thoughts swimming through my brain right now.. and always. I want to say it's chill and I'm fine and I don't feel anything.. but that's clearly not true. I'm not entirely miserable.. but I am not functioning at 100% either. Where do I start? You're making this more difficult than it needs to be. I understand it's difficult to accept why this has to happen, but pretending it isn't happening isn't going to make it go away. Why can't you just be a man about this, or about any fucking thing? I know you think it's easy for me to just give this up and move on with my life. It is not. If it was, I would've done it ages ago. Why can't you grant me this one last thing? Maybe I don't deserve it.. I don't know. All I know is that you're making it harder than it has to be. You're crippling my self-esteem. Not that I expect to feel fucking amazing about myself in the midst of a break up, but you not even fucking showing up, not fucking trying and not fucking leaving is making me feel like shit about myself. The whole last year of being with you really took a toll on how I view myself. I stopped mattering to you anymore.. and vice versa. Every single time we choose something or someone else over each other, only showed me that I am not deserving of love and attention. I am aware it sounds fucking stupid, but it's just what happened. The scary thing is I chose not to see that this was happening.. but I knew, in fact we both knew, that this was making me miserable. Please, please I am begging you to stop doing this to me. I am not trying to play victim here, I know I fucked up as well. I know I am also to blame for the demise of our relationship. I know I acted out, I know I was easily distracted, I know I took you and your easygoing ways for granted. Those are things I will need to live with as well - the choices that we made that got us here. But I'm trying to do this for me. I need to be selfish right now. I need to fix this for myself. Please understand that.

I want 'em all

alternating between nervousness, anxiety, self-consciousness and doubt

&

absolutely not giving a shit about any of this

paint my kiss across your chest

lovefool

Why does it always come down to this? Why? Why is it so difficult to find something real, something that will last, something that makes sense? I am so tired of being lost and mindless. What should I have done instead.. Instead of taking that chance 4.. no 5 years ago? No. I am being childish. I know what the problem is. The problem is me. Me in all my selfish, stubborn glory. This was my own fucking fault. I saw the signs years ago - I saw the decay in the foundation, but chose to turn a blind eye. I chose to struggle along, with this anchor dragging along behind me. My mind wandered to every stranger that walked by as a means to distract myself from this tragedy. And now I have the fucking audacity to ask why did this happen to me. It's fucking precious. I made a mistake. In fact, I made a whole bunch of mistakes. But I am trying my best now to make it up to myself. I am trying my best to be positive, to take the necessary steps forward, to change. Perhaps the most trying part is facing the fact that I am actually more miserable than I choose to believe. This numbness.. it is only fleeting.

Your faith is strong

But I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than
half of my heart

She walked away,

well, her shoes were untied
and the eyes were all red, you could see that we'd cried
and I watched and I waited 'til she was inside
forcing a smile and waving goodbye

it takes all the love I have to say

This whole time my heart has been breaking.. and it has meant nothing to you. I can't believe that I still lost this somehow. You were the one that wanted to fight.. but in the end, I'm facing a solo battle. You couldn't even bother to do this with me. I am just such a fucking loser.

emoji of a wave

Just got back from a pretty spectacular, but cold holiday. My youth has now officially slipped out of hands.. It's difficult. It's difficult to face the fact that it's been years since I've been happy in this with you. And now that it's coming to an end, I don't quite feel like how I thought I would. As many people know (but don't believe), I had long given up on this ever amounting to anything that I could rely on. I had given up on you. The problem was that I didn't let go, because first and foremost, I am a fucking coward. And in my heart of hearts (sure), I did this for you. Okay, I also did it for me. And now it has come to this. Someone has to do it man. While I am mostly basically numb and uncaring about this etc etc.... who even believes this crap? I can't fucking lie to myself. This is pretty devastating. Not on the everyday level where I don't give a fuck and you are the most fucking frustrating person to talk to.. but on a real and true level, where I am basically going to be losing the person I've built up the last few years with. Hurdy hur hur. This is simply going to have to be something that we both live with. We both let this die. Years ago, we found something good & special & real, and ran off with it together.. only to get distracted by other things & people & ourselves.. and left it behind. It's fine. One day, it isn't even going to matter anymore.. but for now, this is actually harder than I thought it would be.

I hitch a ride on a dream she's driving

#relevant 

could this be?

should this be?

and

I'm thinking of What Sarah Said

elastic heart

please don't let this pass me by

playing dirty, not clean

it is fucking unfair what you did to me. And although it has been a very fucking long time, it doesn't change the fact that what you did is not okay and that is something I may be dealing with for a long time coming. I didn't deserve it.

choose your last words

this is the last time

getting up & moving on

but I still can't seem to get you off my mind

you took a white orchird

last night the world was beneath us

Here we go again. I cannot stress enough how much of a complete and utter waste of my life this is. I am in my mid-twenties, I shouldn't have to still do this. I shouldn't have to fight with children, about the behaviour of other children. I am genuinely so angry that I cannot see any logic in this.. and in you. You dense motherfucker. The thing is, I really didn't want it to come to this. I didn't want to be childish about it and misalign my hate.. but some bitches JUST HAD TO. I'm positively livid.. and at a time when I'm actively trying my best not to handle things as badly as I used to. When I was much younger, I used to be so hateful, viscously petty, ridiculously vindictive and downright mean. I used to say the most terrible and hurtful things, just to get a reaction. I know that I've changed. I know I need to be conscious about not just what comes out of my mouth, but what terrible thoughts go through my head.. and it is taking every fucking fibre of my being not to stoop to that level again. I know this is about pride. I don't feel jealous. I don't fucking feel insecure (take note, bitches). I don't feel threatened. I don't even feel possessive. I don't feel like how I would feel if I was scared to lose something. In short, I don't feel like how I may have felt three years ago? I just feel humiliated and angry. That's probably the biggest problem of all.

you make it a choice

#25

a trail for the devil to erase

I took the polaroid down in my room 

I'm pretty sure you have a new girlfriend 

It's not as if I don't like you 

It just makes me sad whenever I see it

you knew it was a snake

Perhaps I have finally come to an impasse between my mind and my heart. Honestly, I am fucking conflicted about how to feel. I am truly angry, and yet I somehow feel strangely calm and disconnected from the whole thing. You just had to do it, you just had to tell me. What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't keep believing you, and buying into this I'm so god damn innocent act. I can only take so much. I know I'm not anything to shout about, believe me I know this, but.. god damn it mang. I wanted so fucking badly to believe that maybe this is something good, that I finally have something in my life to really put my faith in. I know that was my own fault, since there hasn't really been a reason to think so. But I really felt that maybe you really did love me. And that maybe, just maybe, I really do love you. But what the fuck does that even mean? I know that this is the sign I've been looking for. I know this. This has just become fact at this point. But, I'm just not fucking ready.

and you will think that I've moved on

yes, I think we've met before

indifference is killing me

Well. I guess I finally hit THAT age. It's all downhill from here. Well. A whirlwind week flew by, from King's beds to fancy shoes, never-ending glasses and of course, the loves of my life. Today was the first day back to work for the year. I honestly have no idea what 25 has in store for me, but I do know that I will not let myself get too comfortable with where I am. If I was forced to pick a resolution for the year, it would be to stop being so passive with my life. As one very wise girl once told me, one has to be active in their quest for happiness. Although I am still an extremely jaded and guarded person, I do hope that I will slowly let go of this cynicism I have so stubbornly harboured. That will be a long and difficult journey, but if there's one thing I've learnt at 24 is that time truly does heal. Perhaps the most amazing aspect of the celebrations this year was that I seem to have finally let go of all the emotional baggage that had weighed me down for so long. No hot tears, no whiskey-fuelled thoughts. Just good vibes with the best. I know I protect myself too fiercely, I'm skeptical of most, I'm untrusting and untrustworthy. This is part of my hardened shell, it'll take a tremendous effort to shake off and learn to be better. But if ever I am that way, please remember that sometimes I am too defensive of my own way. Sometimes, I don't mean to be rude and childish and ungrateful and distant. Sometimes, I want to be open and to learn about your life and to share with you. But sometimes, it's just too difficult for me.