Just got back from a pretty spectacular, but cold holiday. My youth has now officially slipped out of hands.. It's difficult. It's difficult to face the fact that it's been years since I've been happy in this with you. And now that it's coming to an end, I don't quite feel like how I thought I would. As many people know (but don't believe), I had long given up on this ever amounting to anything that I could rely on. I had given up on you. The problem was that I didn't let go, because first and foremost, I am a fucking coward. And in my heart of hearts (sure), I did this for you. Okay, I also did it for me. And now it has come to this. Someone has to do it man. While I am mostly basically numb and uncaring about this etc etc.... who even believes this crap? I can't fucking lie to myself. This is pretty devastating. Not on the everyday level where I don't give a fuck and you are the most fucking frustrating person to talk to.. but on a real and true level, where I am basically going to be losing the person I've built up the last few years with. Hurdy hur hur. This is simply going to have to be something that we both live with. We both let this die. Years ago, we found something good & special & real, and ran off with it together.. only to get distracted by other things & people & ourselves.. and left it behind. It's fine. One day, it isn't even going to matter anymore.. but for now, this is actually harder than I thought it would be.
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