A million thoughts swimming through my brain right now.. and always. I want to say it's chill and I'm fine and I don't feel anything.. but that's clearly not true. I'm not entirely miserable.. but I am not functioning at 100% either. Where do I start? You're making this more difficult than it needs to be. I understand it's difficult to accept why this has to happen, but pretending it isn't happening isn't going to make it go away. Why can't you just be a man about this, or about any fucking thing? I know you think it's easy for me to just give this up and move on with my life. It is not. If it was, I would've done it ages ago. Why can't you grant me this one last thing? Maybe I don't deserve it.. I don't know. All I know is that you're making it harder than it has to be. You're crippling my self-esteem. Not that I expect to feel fucking amazing about myself in the midst of a break up, but you not even fucking showing up, not fucking trying and not fucking leaving is making me feel like shit about myself. The whole last year of being with you really took a toll on how I view myself. I stopped mattering to you anymore.. and vice versa. Every single time we choose something or someone else over each other, only showed me that I am not deserving of love and attention. I am aware it sounds fucking stupid, but it's just what happened. The scary thing is I chose not to see that this was happening.. but I knew, in fact we both knew, that this was making me miserable. Please, please I am begging you to stop doing this to me. I am not trying to play victim here, I know I fucked up as well. I know I am also to blame for the demise of our relationship. I know I acted out, I know I was easily distracted, I know I took you and your easygoing ways for granted. Those are things I will need to live with as well - the choices that we made that got us here. But I'm trying to do this for me. I need to be selfish right now. I need to fix this for myself. Please understand that.
No comments:
Post a Comment