lovefool

Why does it always come down to this? Why? Why is it so difficult to find something real, something that will last, something that makes sense? I am so tired of being lost and mindless. What should I have done instead.. Instead of taking that chance 4.. no 5 years ago? No. I am being childish. I know what the problem is. The problem is me. Me in all my selfish, stubborn glory. This was my own fucking fault. I saw the signs years ago - I saw the decay in the foundation, but chose to turn a blind eye. I chose to struggle along, with this anchor dragging along behind me. My mind wandered to every stranger that walked by as a means to distract myself from this tragedy. And now I have the fucking audacity to ask why did this happen to me. It's fucking precious. I made a mistake. In fact, I made a whole bunch of mistakes. But I am trying my best now to make it up to myself. I am trying my best to be positive, to take the necessary steps forward, to change. Perhaps the most trying part is facing the fact that I am actually more miserable than I choose to believe. This numbness.. it is only fleeting.