every time you hurt me

Back to reality after an amazing, boozy time in the +44. I know I went there with the intention of running away from my life, work, fuckbois and every neurotic thought that burns fire in my mind.. but I really did not. I let my ghosts follow me as I wandered through the eclectic streets of London.. and I think it helped in a way. First of all, I don't understand how anyone can drink that much and that frequently, holiday or not. Even I'm not that bad bruv. I know one short holiday isn't going to fix my life and the way I think and the way I want, but it did help shift some things into perspective for me. I think I lost sight of why I let go of my youth, distracted as usual by the idea of cute boys and misplaced feelings and desire and what not. I did this so that I could grow out of myself, grow up and onto better things. I wanted to change and be better for myself, and no one else. I now realize that I have spent too much time and effort caring and worrying about what certain people think about me, whether they believe I've changed and not. Those people are kids I've known most of my youth. It's inevitable that they won't be able to shake that image or idea of me at 18, 21 or 23. I get it now, because I will always see them in that same light as well. Not 100%, but shades of their former selves. Look. I get it. No one truly fucking changes. I will always be reckless in certain ways like impulsively buying bags, reckless with my emotions and with my words. But I know when to fucking draw the line. I know when to say no. And you.. I wish you really would believe me. I wish that if I said that I only did it with you because I trust you, and I want you, and I would have chosen you over anyone else. But I won't say it because you just seem interested in playing games and being mean and being the ultimate fuckboi. It makes me sad because sometimes I wish I had the chance to finally fucking admit that I really want you, that I don't really care if it makes sense, that I don't want you to want anyone else. But I can't because now that I want you, you don't want me anymore. It sucks.. but to some pathetic extent, I think I have come to terms with it. Or at least, I'm struggling to come to terms with what happened. I guess the most important thing is that, I hate myself less for it now. I know I've changed. I know that for myself and that's enough. I know I still have a ways to go.. and I'm going to try my best to push forward and away from this negativity and unnecessary games and psychotic thoughts.