I have so much to say.. to you, about you, with you. I know it's dumb because I know this space is good and I want this too.. but I can't help but occasionally let my mind wander to thoughts of you and what you've been up to and if you are dealing with shit well and or if you still think about me. I just don't want to feel stupid. And although I know what I know.. I can't help but feel that tinge of insecurity wondering if you'll change your mind about me and this. Me hiding behind my jacket as my friends tease me about having feelings and gay shit like that.. it says a lot. I'm the kind of person who is fucking honest with myself right. I know how I feel. I acknowledge this.. as much as I hate it because of the situation and the fact that you handled it poorly.. it somehow does not change the fact that I feel what I feel..? And you're right - you truly don't fucking deserve this. And I know I'm mean spirited and have mean thoughts and I've been giving nothing but mixed signals and acting like I'm above this and you. Everyone who's close to me knows that this is my fucked up defence mechanism because I don't like to feel gay things. I truly do feel less emotionally invested in this though.. that one I can't deny. I mean look.. at the end of the day, I fucking respect myself right. I know I don't have to put up with this shit. I can't bring myself to be constantly looking out for your sorry ass when 1) you don't even give a flying fuck about yourself 2) I don't even know what I want and I don't even know how to really look after myself. I had to disassociate for myself and my emotional health. I was going through a really tough time in those few weeks, dealing with how I felt about myself and my self worth. And the way things worked out pushed me to step out of it, and for that I am super grateful because I feel so much lighter and better now. I didn't deserve to be dragged down. Yes, I took things a little personally because I myself was/am struggling with the kind of person I became. My point is.. this is important to me. If it wasn't, I wouldn't still be so mad. If it wasn't, I would've continued playing with vicious intent. I easily could've made this uglier. I could've fucked shit up from the start.. and I believe that if I was 5 years younger, I really would have and I would have fucking enjoyed every minute of it (because I am mean spirited as fuck). Okay. I'm not out here tryna praise myself for not being psychotic. What I am really trying to say, in the least conceited possible way, is that I'm glad you did this with me. Because I will still want to look out for you. Well first imma look out for myself.. but I will still spare a thought for you and the situation because I really fucking empathize. Of all things and of all people, I really fucking empathize with this, especially in this age and time in my life. And as much as I think less of the two of you now.. it's really not my problem to deal with. I'm not fucking sorry. Please for the love of god take note of this. I will never be sorry. I'm only responsible for myself and for my own actions and consequences. I have zero fucking obligations to you. But I spare a thought for you because I really want to. I want you to be okay. I know you need time. I mean shit, even I needed time even though it was my choice. I get that. I really truly understand this. And I wanna give you that space.. and myself as well. I hate how this happened but there's really no point fucking crying over spilt milk. We made this choice.. we did. And as much as I don't fucking know what I want or may want or don't want.. I wish you will at least be honest with me. I have no expectations of what may or may not happen.. if you really wanted to go back to that, then so be it, you'll get what you deserve. I just want to at least feel that our connection was real and true and honest. That's all I can think of right now. I've been around.. I know that this kind of connection doesn't come by easily. I don't regret a single moment that happened. And if it doesn't work out.. I think I can live with it. But I would really want it to be honest and open and true. I don't know if that's a lot to ask cos I may be too in it to see.. but that's just what I wish for right at this very moment.
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