Tonight I feel the heavy hand of sadness. I know I am stupid. This entire situation is stupid. Even saying "this situation" is stupid.. because it probably only exists as a situation to me. I can barely remember what it feels like anymore. I know it's a combination of literally everything.. my feelings for you, wanting what I cannot have, the fucked up things you say, not wanting to be that kind of person, etc etc. I know it's everything. The more we thought about it, the worse it became. I say we because I still believe that you and I are the same. As much as I know it doesn't make sense.. or even matter.. I want to believe that you feel the same as I do. I know it probably isn't real. I don't think it ever was.. even from years and years and years ago. I know I should let go.. and I am really trying. I don't want to be played by you anymore. I don't want to be holding on to this uncertainty when I know there will never be a day where you will actually show up. Also.. this web of lies and what not. Ugh. I just can't believe that we literally let an entire quarter of an entire year go by without even giving this a proper shot. I know it says a lot.. despite all the sweet nothings you spill into my ears while drunk. But I still cannot fucking believe that this is how it played out. I cannot believe I really didn't get what I wanted. After all these years. Don't tell me I have to wait another five fucking years for something to happen.. because I don't fucking have that time. I'm mostly angry that it turned out this way.. because you didn't even want to try. I know we both did this.. I also wanted to gamble. I get it. I got burnt. I actually had a pretty good hand but I couldn't bluff.. or I didn't want to. I am mostly angry at you.. but tonight I'm feeling pretty down. All I can think of is how you didn't choose me.. and it actually kind of hurts. Almost.
No comments:
Post a Comment