It's been a pretty interesting couple of weeks. My mood has shifted so much recently. Even though I've been feeling infinitely better than before.. I know I still have a ways to go. Yes, I do feel lighter and better because I made the conscious choice to detach from the situations that were bringing me down. But I would be absolutely lying if I said that they don't still bother me.. because they are still important to me. All I did was learn to not let it affect me and my mood every single fucking day, to not hang on every single word and to (try) not to place all hope and concentration on it. It's still a struggle, but at least I'm trying to make it slightly easier for myself. I'm not really trying to run away. I still think about them a lot. For one, I at least clearly see how the situation looks from my perspective. I can't help it that I am still holding on to some anger about what happened and or actually more like how you reacted to the situation that you caused. It's beyond a doubt true that unless I deal with how I feel and properly accept that nothing can happen between us.. I will not be able to truly be here for him as a friend. I guess a couple of weeks really wasn't enough time (mostly cos I just childishly ignored it), but also I'm honestly not sure what can be done, if anything at all, to make me trust him again. I hate for him to think that I don't care about him, but I just can't bring myself to look him in the eye and ask how he is. Also, I have zero defences for him right now as a person. Sometimes just looking at him irks me.. which makes me sad thinking about how important he actually is.. or was..? Ugh. I mean, yeah you're fucking sad obviously I get it, but like.. what the fuck did you think it was going to be? I wouldn't go as far as the rest to say you deserve to have someone (read: me) do it to you too, but I can't bring myself to stand up for you right now cos all I can see are my poor little rich girl problems. Hur hur. I can already see how bad that blow out is going to be once I can no longer contain this brewing anger. Moving on to other situations - I'm hella glad that I (to some extent) made the choice to try to step back and out of this.. whatever the fuck you call it. Now that I've pulled myself out of that ugly spiral of self-deprecation and misery, I can see that you're just a dick. I mean, that's fine and all. You also seem like a right mess, but at least I'm not so pathetically blinded by my weird feelings (read: obsession). I must say that at least I'm not letting it affect my self esteem and how I feel myself and all that pathetic shit. Oh but.. #weboflies and all. I know I should just.. let all of this shit go and just fucking focus on getting myself back on track. I'm trying my best to not get in any more trouble. I just need to accept that neither of these are going to materialize to anything either. Easier said than done though.
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