Tonight, I feel a tinge of guilt. Not for whatever happened, but for how selfishly I've been acting and thinking the last few weeks. I keep telling myself that I'm feeling better, I can detach from this, etc. I am.. but I'm definitely not pushing myself to become a better person. The rate I've been misbehaving, I'm bound to get more and more tangled in this mess that I know I shouldn't be a part of. I don't know how this can possibly end. On one hand, I am still holding onto so much anger and resentment. And that's all fine and fair since I deserve to feel that way and I still want to protect myself. But on the other hand, I sometimes think about how much better he actually made me feel and how, in a fucked up way, he unknowingly helped me out of that self-deprecating spiral.. and I feel like I should also try to be that person for him. But also, I just can't fucking bring myself to. It makes me to sad to see him this way.. but selfishly it also makes me fucking angry thinking about how I'm not the only reason he's sad. I know it's psycho but I don't fucking care. That's the fucking problem. I fucking understand like baggage and time and mistakes and feeling lousy and all that other crap that I know and I get it but also I'm impatient and selfish and greedy and just all around a terrible person. I may not actually know what I want, but I fucking know that I don't intend on being some fucking consolation prize or just someone to fill your weird lonely boy void. We all have issues to work out right? But since all my pain is self inflicted (#poorlittlerichgirl) and I'm generally further along in erm.. life, I know that as a friend I really can be there. But then what about me and how I may or may not feel? Times like this, I feel that tinge of shame for stringing this along, for letting it get this far, for getting so grossly involved with someone I truly care about. But most times all I can think of is, what the fuck about me and what I want?
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