You were all mine

Aaah, back to this feeling again. It amazes me how difficult it is for me to let things go. All this talk of closure is making me a little jealous. I think. What if I did this, what if I did that. The empty space that shouldn't be empty. The conversations that should be real. Every night I dream of all the things it could be... till I finally fall asleep. The biggest mistake would've been to accept the way I feel to myself. Because now, I choose it to be this way. It's not just my pride, it's also this terrible fear of rejection and embarrassment. In this state, I am kind of in emotional limbo. Yeah, I can't go up but I can't go back down either. It really lacks closure. And I'm damn sure it will stay this way. Sometimes I think it's really me that's afraid of the awkwardness and the tension and what not. I've just convinced myself that it's just the way it is, but it's really me and my fear of pushing the boundaries between us. That is how insecure I am with this, whatever this is. I wish the things I know would change the way I feel. Because I know it's stupid and I know I should let it be and I know I shouldn't feel the way I feel. But I do. Then I think about reality and how insane this all is and how since you haven't said anything you obviously don't feel the same. But then again I haven't said anything either. And I won't. But I feel it. And it's kind of driving me crazy. As you can tell.

And when I laid beside you for the first time,
I told you