the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive

Tonight I find myself seriously questioning my own morale values. Looking back, I do feel like I have not achieved as much as I had hoped to achieve by now. This is the one battle about myself that I am always losing. I have fought so hard to defend myself and by the end of each round, I am backed up in the corner having to accept defeat. Having to accept just what a cold, heartless bitch I can be. And I hate it. If I knew I wasn't ready for a fucking relationship, I should've just backed the fuck up and dealt with myself. But I didn't. If I knew it was wrong and I don't care how fucking gone I was, I should've just fucking went home. I should have just fucking stopped. Because I lost everything I had. And if that wasn't fucking enough to learn a fucking lesson, I actually will have to type that out twice. I knew it was a fucking bad idea and I really should've just held myself back, but I didn't and now things between us are so uncertain and so fucked up. Again. Somehow, I actually managed to fuck things up with you, twice. And I'm actually just going to let it linger. It is this disgustingly reckless behavior and complete lack of care for anyone around me that makes me feel like I deserve to fucking be alone. How the fuck does anyone put up with this ridiculous string of bad fucking decisions. How do I even end up in these fucking compromising positions in the first fucking place. The worse part is, contrary to popular belief, I am not as unfeeling as you would think. I do get emotionally attached and no one is nothing to me. And I do actually feel the guilt and the pain and the loss, and that is what makes me so fucking unbearable to myself.

I'm getting tired of starting again

somewhere new