They don't love you like I love you

Go ahead and sell me out

So just to make things clear, yes this one's for you. Now, I've always struggled to understand the way your mind works but I've never been this... bewildered before. First of all, I know you are lying to me. And that already puts you at a disadvantage. But really, one of the most basic problem is your complete and utter lack of social boundaries. There are just some things you're just gonna have to learn to keep to yourself. Especially if the things you say and the way you behave affect other people. Then of course, your ridiculous over-sensitive thing which makes you a million times more difficult to be around than a group of over-sensitive pre-teen girls in drama. Yet for someone this painfully sensitive, you are also painfully self-absorbed. Ugh. Why is wanting things between us to at least be on a good note SO MUCH to ask for? But I guess it really just is and well, that is that. Thinking back, I really just... wonder about you. Like I wonder how you function like this. Ugh. And as usual, I end up being the bad guy. I really think that you need to reconsider the people you consider your friends because I am hearing a lot of things that both you and I can do without. To be honest, I struggle to understand why 1) it's any of their business 2) I am the bad person because.. you are no longer my responsibility. I've seen this run smoothly before and honestly, I truly understand how you feel and where you're coming from. But it's really not an impossible social situation but I guess it's too much to hope that you at least act pleasant. And although I probably could've seen it coming, I am still disgusted by how bad it got. Bet you can't wait for her to get back now.

Baby, I have no story to be told,
But I've heard one on you and I'm gonna make your head burn

You won't believe what I tell you

So I seem to be under the illusion that I am going somewhere with my life but I still remain jobless and school-less. Hurhur. Stupid applications are just so fucking tedious and to be honest, it secretly upsets me that I feel like I'm settling. Ugh. Last night was quite a ride; some random event -> Red Dot @ Dempsey (lol) -> Zouk where this stupid girl was touting me out to every cute boy she saw. -.- Asses were squeezed and glares were glared but it's all in good fun I guess. Last night also saw the epic question/introduction that I fucking resent. It has literally been like a fucking year and I still have yet to shed that image. Ugh x2. Honestly, every time it comes to the topic of networking I always feel a slight prick of resentment because along with everything, I also lost my biggest contact. Hurhur. I guess that is one of the reasons why people expect to be friends or at least not have negativity between them. Hmm. Speaking of which. Wow I don't even know where to start with this. I am determined to keep our relations drama-free but that's already not working out. I fucking hate being lied to but I can't trust any of your words, as I remember from previous overly-dramatic and childish experiences. -.- And although completely out of line, I do truly admire your ability to put yourself out there like that. If I had half the amount of guts, I might've been a lot happier than I am now. I've just been talking the talk about not wanting to regret my actions but I haven't exactly been walking the walk. Well, actually I haven't been talking but aaaah formalities.

Loose tongue and arrogance,

It's not appropriate

just someone's past

The way you tore through my life

still astounds me.

Oh honey,

how can you regret me when you know you can't forget me?

You were all mine

Aaah, back to this feeling again. It amazes me how difficult it is for me to let things go. All this talk of closure is making me a little jealous. I think. What if I did this, what if I did that. The empty space that shouldn't be empty. The conversations that should be real. Every night I dream of all the things it could be... till I finally fall asleep. The biggest mistake would've been to accept the way I feel to myself. Because now, I choose it to be this way. It's not just my pride, it's also this terrible fear of rejection and embarrassment. In this state, I am kind of in emotional limbo. Yeah, I can't go up but I can't go back down either. It really lacks closure. And I'm damn sure it will stay this way. Sometimes I think it's really me that's afraid of the awkwardness and the tension and what not. I've just convinced myself that it's just the way it is, but it's really me and my fear of pushing the boundaries between us. That is how insecure I am with this, whatever this is. I wish the things I know would change the way I feel. Because I know it's stupid and I know I should let it be and I know I shouldn't feel the way I feel. But I do. Then I think about reality and how insane this all is and how since you haven't said anything you obviously don't feel the same. But then again I haven't said anything either. And I won't. But I feel it. And it's kind of driving me crazy. As you can tell.

And when I laid beside you for the first time,
I told you

shooting stars

I'll never tell you

You're slow to letting me go

So I got the nasty chalazion in my eye scraped off. First surgical experience and as expected, I was panicking like a child. Though it feels good to finally rid of the excess baggage. If only the same could be said about my hair but I will definitely be hiding under the cap for a while. It's sad how much difference hair makes to my general appeal and that realization led to the over-dramatic hour-long emotional breakdown over my way-too-short fringe. Yes, I am a girl after all. Which, knowing me, led to my delusion that I miss having you around. Though I would probably attribute a lot of that to the recent social (re)connections I made with the one boy you can't stand. Imagine our panic when my phone lit up in the middle of dinner; probably just a butt dial but what fucking uncanny coincidence. Awkward turtle. Truth be told, it is still a difficult pill to swallow, but not a bitter one. Naturally, a quick wave of jealousy(ish) and surprise flooded over me but it just goes to show how much of a selfish bitch I am. Because for a second there, I found myself wondering if I shouldn't have let it go when well, we all know that I was really unhappy/irritated/uncaring. And because I am what I am, I choose to believe that it isn't real. You just can't go from that to this just like that. Ah well. I really just miss that kind of attention. Ha. This is really me getting karma for the way that I am, which is really quite horrible.

You said you loved me,

You're a liar

It is getting fucking difficult to keep myself up.

the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive

Tonight I find myself seriously questioning my own morale values. Looking back, I do feel like I have not achieved as much as I had hoped to achieve by now. This is the one battle about myself that I am always losing. I have fought so hard to defend myself and by the end of each round, I am backed up in the corner having to accept defeat. Having to accept just what a cold, heartless bitch I can be. And I hate it. If I knew I wasn't ready for a fucking relationship, I should've just backed the fuck up and dealt with myself. But I didn't. If I knew it was wrong and I don't care how fucking gone I was, I should've just fucking went home. I should have just fucking stopped. Because I lost everything I had. And if that wasn't fucking enough to learn a fucking lesson, I actually will have to type that out twice. I knew it was a fucking bad idea and I really should've just held myself back, but I didn't and now things between us are so uncertain and so fucked up. Again. Somehow, I actually managed to fuck things up with you, twice. And I'm actually just going to let it linger. It is this disgustingly reckless behavior and complete lack of care for anyone around me that makes me feel like I deserve to fucking be alone. How the fuck does anyone put up with this ridiculous string of bad fucking decisions. How do I even end up in these fucking compromising positions in the first fucking place. The worse part is, contrary to popular belief, I am not as unfeeling as you would think. I do get emotionally attached and no one is nothing to me. And I do actually feel the guilt and the pain and the loss, and that is what makes me so fucking unbearable to myself.

I'm getting tired of starting again

somewhere new

I'll never talk again

I can't seem to remember much of the past few days in my head. Could be the lack of emotional progress in terms of my perception of love and life. I have long accepted the way things are now, mainly because the ball is in my court and well, remains here. If there was ever a ball in the first place. Although I do find myself hoping for so so so much more, and also feeling a great deal of missing. It takes me forever to do anything, if I do do anything, it would probably be way too late. At least it would be my own fault. I suppose that I am so used to feeling this way. On top of that, it really is a lot of me just running away from what's really important now. School... what school? Exactly that. Not to mention, I need to find myself a damn job. I can't do anything on my own. This is exactly the way I didn't want to feel in my time now. And yet I find myself at 3 in the morning being lectured by an old friend and actually having some sense of fear knocked into me. Not the best idea either. Surprisingly, the company has left me feeling more depressed than comforted. Strange. No wait, actually it makes perfect sense. Misery loves company. Speaking of misery, results are out and I am now officially graduating with mediocre grades. Life. I'm feeling just a little all over the place right now. It takes me for fucking ever to do anything, whether it's regarding my future or making the friendly move. It is really upsetting me that I really truly need to be pushed to do things, which means I really can't fucking take care of myself at all. I spend too much of my time obsessing over frivolous and frankly unobtainable things to avoid the real deal. See, this is why I have to be alone.

But a special place for you in my heart, I have kept

missing

and its my own fault

It's okay to say that you love me

Slowly but surely, I am losing faith in so many things. Got myself a brand new piercing, just a small one. Nothing quite compared to the stye in my right eye, cos apparently fucking up my left one isn't enough. While we're on the subject of congestion and coagulation, this negativity has settled inside my head and has nestled itself in the black space you've left behind. As my brother would say; Only you. Seems to have swept through my life like a hurricane, this one. My sudden lack of interest in people or well, boys is beginning to feel like a physical baggage. I have long given up on my period, which means I'm really just getting fat. Ugh. The only good revelation that came out of this week was saying nonchalantly "yeah I'm pretty much over it". Especially when I remember just how devastated my life was when it finally crumbled into the nothing it is now. Though I suspect time is hardly a factor in this race, it's the hatred that has polluted my view of you. Well, that's that. Hurhur. I feel like I've hit an all time low in regards to my view of love and relations. I never used to think like this but these days have seen me questioning the worth and fuck, even the honesty in relationships. Is it really what you think it is? The first thing on my mind. Doesn't quite help that it really was number one everything. As usual, I have come to blame myself for the way things are now.. which remains unclear. In some sick way, it is quite comfortable this way because although I don't have what I want, it also means I won't lose it again.

Don't feel, don't tear, don't kiss,

don't care, don't touch, don't want me

Endlessly

I've lost all faith in love.

I'm moving past this feeling

I feel like I have so much on my mind but nothing to say at all. Running through circles in my mind, alternating between one and the other. Neither of which I want around anymore. I know I have hand but the point is, it is still unattainable and I am still walking around like a less severe version of me circa 2008. Well, not really. Not until dusk falls anyway. Every night as I retreat to my own bed, I find that it is no longer my sanctuary. I see myself breaking out of it... and into something else. I need to find a better way to live my life. You are stone cold. I find myself wondering what changed.. hopefully I'll get bored of my own thoughts. Is this the holistic viewing of which we used to spoke of? Damn it. Nothing about you is particularly special or great so I should just man the fuck up. Oh what a dangerous road to go down. I should've seen it coming. Well, I did. Hurhur. Which brings me to the point about my you-only-live-once mentality. Things are slowing down considerably but it makes me worry that I will never break out of this cycle. Take for example the way I feel now. I could've prevented it.. all. But I didn't. It's like that thing I read about how you just know it's gonna happen before it happens... yet it still happens. Youth is fine and all but what about when I get older? Will I never change? Hmm. Surely, I'll eventually grow restless with this thinking. Surely.

We lie together but not too close

The second that I feel your safe hands

reaching out for mine,

I slip away and out of sight

to break or bury

Man, it's really been a long time. Tonight, I am feelin' reminisce-y about the fact that it has been three whole years since the beginning of what they call higher education. But just really about myself of course. My dearest girl asked, do you think you've changed in the last three years? And really, how can anybody say no to that? Although I do stand by what I say that, in a lot of ways, I've really just changed back to the way I used to be. Mentally and emotionally... stable. A lot more independent and if I may say so, a lot stronger. Moments of weaknesses are inevitable but few and far in between these days. In the last few years, I have fallen so many times it's stupid. Though I obviously have a different perception of who you are (despite what everyone says) but that will always be the way I choose to see you. I am just reacting the way you would (: Hurhur. And yet in situations like this, I still stop to ask myself what you would tell me to do if we were still comfortable. When I look back, I never think I've wasted my youth because of everything we did together. No time for regrets though. And well the last one.. was just a lesson of what never to do. Surprisingly, I really grew a lot from that.. experience? Hurhur. As much as it can get tiring for me to remain positive nowadays, I really do enjoy it a lot more than being stuck in a (for lack social boundaries) slut cycle. Victory is in the mind. I'm sure this will eventually backfire on me but right now this is what I need to keep my head up.

I am leaving, this is starting

To feel like it's right before my eyes

Enraged by things unsaid,

And empty beds and bad behavior

You sure have changed since yesterday

A totally random mix of people. Last night was... another realization of how stupid I can be sometimes. I'm sure I have absolutely no right to be mad but like, get your fucking shit together. A classic case of opening my mouth way too soon, only to turn around and be greeted by fucking hooligans. Though I'm sure I overreacted a little. A little. So the world doesn't revolve around me and what not... but it should! Hurhur. Sometimes I think I really just want to fucking hurt you. I simply don't understand what or why that is so motherfucking important to you because I fail to see how you act appropriately enough for you to even think that way. Oh but apparently that's just how you treat all your friends la, so apparently the problem is really just me thinking that maybe it had meant even the slightest thing to you, even if it was at least a fucking mistake. GR8. So I'm just ridiculously stupid for thinking about it at all... yup I get it. Not even significant enough for it to be classified as a mistake. You're a fucking slut.. and that's coming from me. Hurhur. You are so fucking invincible to me it frustrates me to no end. So this is it. I can't feel my toe, amongst other things I am now numb to.

I didn't think you had it in you
And now, you're looking like I used to

Be together for one more night

Somewhere, somehow