golden days

some things don't change

not the kind to kiss and tell

Merry Christmas is right. Boxing day has left me feeling a little blue and so very tired from all the drinking and merriment. As usual, I'm ever grateful for everything that we have.. and we have so much. Am so so lucky that we are able to enjoy ourselves, be merry and spend time together. The last week before the holidays has been tricky. In fact, the last couple of months have been pretty tricky.. in my head at least. But that last week tho.. I have no words for this bizarre situation. I don't know how I ended up trusting you so much but.. well. Just don't let me down. My head is spinning from how serious everything suddenly became. I can't say I'm still that same weary girl from before.. because somehow I've really grown into myself and us. I don't and won't let anything get in the way of this.. but at the same time, I'm terrified of the notion that this could be it. How fucking charming am I? I can tell you're trying so hard.. and I really appreciate it. Like I can really tell the difference from now and circa 2014 when we were both just going through the motions, post japan. For now all I know is.. I won't give this up without a fight, even if it means giving up other... things. Well. It's about time for that anyway (I know I've said this before). The difference is so stark, the difference between the real and the superficial. I don't know him very well at all, but what I know is this: if a person really liked someone else, they wouldn't speak or act this way. Yes, it truly depends as well on how the person reacts to you and how much they can take. But there are simply some lines you definitely wouldn't cross if you genuinely liked somebody. And I'm okay with this whole situation thing now, because I finally understand enough to at least be on the same kind of page, instead of expecting more from someone who has no genuine intentions. All mixed messages and weird paranoia aside, I think it was a good (albeit unnecessary) lesson in how I handle myself, how I come across to people and also, to just be weary about people's intentions. I'm definitely not trying to play victim here, because I know I've not been good. I'm just trying to sound this out enough for me to be okay with it. Right. 

I want your love & I want your revenge

finally got you all figured out 

running on my mind, boy

I guess everything fades away. It was only a matter of time really. First day of the rest of forever.. that I'm stuck here anyway. Well. Back to that same stable life. I don't need that kind of excitement anyway.. but I want it. I just want it to be ambiguous and fun foreverrrr... but nooooo real life and grabby hands and shiz. But as with life, everything and everyone moves on. and up. The good thing is that I get to live vicariously through other people having good jobs and new opportunities and stepping out of their comfort zones and shit. So sad. I hate being at the bottom so much. Sigh. I don't know what to say about this anymore. I'm actually so comfortable and free and anonymous now that you're not around.. like I don't feel so obligated and self conscious. But at the same time, I'm actually pretty sad to be losing someone that I had some kind of a connection with. I guess that doesnt come around as often as one would think.. but aiya, it wasn't all that great either. But also like, how do bitches move past whatever happened and still be like.. acquaintances? Well. I can't deny that I keep thinking of that one tender moment, a soft blur in my memory.. if only for a second. Am I even making sense anymore? my mind keeps hovering between that image of your face leaning in towards mine.. and just completely forgetting what you look like. Hurdy hur. Life.

a tornado flew around my room

literally can't stop thinking about you like omfg stop.

I can't get it started on my own

Note to self: don't give up something real for something fleeting and meaningless. My mind is in a right mess. Could be the illness, or it could be the fact that an end is fast approaching. I think it's safe to say that I have definitely over-romanticized this entire ordeal in my head. I can see now that I was simply swept up by the idea that someone thought I was special.. or at least, that's what I wanted so desperately to believe. Reality is as cold as I remember. It's fine really, it's not that I didn't see it coming and it's not that I believed it could go anywhere. I knew the only way it could end was to have it quietly fade away as if it was an embarrassing oversight. So that's that then. It's fine. It's about time anyway we all see that nobody is special and that everybody is exactly the same. Right O. Anyway, it's stupid of me to let anything or anyone distract me from what I have now. I know it's fucked up to say this now but.. I'm so grateful to have what I have. Thank you for looking after me and looking out for me, even if it's in the simplest of ways. You're so real to me. You're so real to me. You're so so real to me.

so sick of this same old love

An interesting, albeit lazy weekend spent getting to know some old friends better, contemplating the words of new friends and of course, in bed with bae. Interesting times spent at an adult event, doing adult things with adult people. I don't know what to take away from all of this except 1) I really want to have a fancy Chinese wedding, although I know everyone is so cynical about it. I have yet to reach that stage in my life, so as of now, I still really really want that. 2) Being around actual adults only reinforced the fact that we are seriously children. 3) I have absolutely no answer to "so when is it your turn?" LOL. Sooooo that's enough of that. On an unrelated note, it's break up season all around. I find my cynicism rearing it's ugly head again. The fact of the matter is, nobody I know deserves this shit.. but it just keeps getting shovelled at them. People are just the worst. I know, because I am also the fucking worst. It's fucking precious really. I keep wanting to be good, but what's the fucking point of just saying and not acting? I can't even convince myself when I say that I don't have feelings. I mean it's not that I do.. but it's not that I don't. Okay whatever, it's besides the damn point anyway. I know nothing can ever happen (no matter how hard you claw at me) because of a bunch of reasons. Dude, actually I'm not even fully convinced that you're interested. Okay yes I'm crazy and ultra paranoid about these things, but also like.. like that also can? The least you could've done was at least fucking pretended?? I'm not even mad anymore.. although I know I should be. It's fucked up that I felt that I was probably to blame. I mean, maybe you just think that I'm that kind of girl.. even though I fucking told you that I'm not. Which only leads me to wonder.. am I really that kind of girl? You truly didn't strike me as someone who would try to take advantage of anybody like that. I honestly thought you were a decent person, and that's the most disappointing thing. I know I'm always so bad at reading people.. but.... Well. Why have faith? I want so badly to believe that I deserve to meet someone halfway decent. LOL. Every fucking word of that sentence was fucked up. I'm just such a bad person. I want to have everything, at no costs. I know I'm a tease.. but I don't want anyone else to know. I know I'm not honest.. but I want you to believe that I am. And I know it's so wrong but.. I want you to want me. I really really want you to want me. Can you? Will you?

but honestly

this is making me fucking sad.

If I was scared, I would

And if I was pure, you know I would

And if I was yours.. 

but I'm not.

tomorrow, I don't know

omg stop.

when it's all over, I'll let you know

Finally, we're at the end of a long and terrible week. This week saw me truly struggling, in almost all aspects of my life. On the work front.... well. I'm so seriously worried about getting stuck here. All my life I've always seen myself becoming successful and I need to start working towards that. The problem with me is that I'm so easily complacent. I don't want to settle for anything less, but I'm also easily distracted and honestly, I don't really wanna work that hard. I always want the easy way out and it's fucked up. I am so so lucky in my life, to have what I have and be where I am, and I really should take advantage of this. More importantly, I need to stop saying and start doing. Eyes on the prize. On a note that's closer to home, I'm beginning to really worry about my future in this team. This week has been peppered with lots of infuriating moments and really trying conversations. I know I'm at the bottom of the food chain right now and I know I won't always be.. but seriously tho, how long do I have to wait? I know everything happens in due time, but it's still fucking frustrating. Maybe I just need out. Ugh. That's another thing that keeps weighing on my mind. Time to step this shit up guize. Ugh. On a more personal front.. well. This notion of prospect and future and blahblahblah... UGHHH. I hate being this old. I resent that I'm turning/already 24. I resent it so fucking much. I can't deny that some part of it is this pressure from everyone else who has their life together, but most of it is also this looming cloud that comes with age and maturing and constantly talking about where we are going to live in the future. The truth is, a big part of me wants this and you. But as a very dear friend so eloquently put it, we are simply living in a bubble together where we can just be kids, void of responsibilities and jobs and real life. And as much as I enjoy it now, we're really not young anymore. We've done so much in the last almost three years, but how much have we grown? I can't speak for you.. but I can honestly say I haven't changed as much as I like to think. I'm still that same greedy person that will always want more. We can't have everything. That's a plain and simple fact. But also like....... why not?? This is a true pattern in my life.. I can only be happy for so long before I start to wander. I'm trying to hard to be good.. but you're not really helping. But on the other hand, neither am I. I just like the attention.. but actually no la. I think we do have some kind of connection, but I probably think about it more than you do. All mixed signals aside, I'm weirdly sad to see you go. I shouldn't be thinking about this.. I really shouldn't be.. well.

got me on my knees

A quick glimpse into this weekend, which was filled with quality time, evening walks and generally enjoying a nice break. I think I need some positivity in this space. This weekend felt like a much needed recalibration of my mind and, not to be gay but, my heart. Right O. Let's hope this lasts through the week yeah? I'm really going to try to ride it out this time. I know I'm far from being a good girl, but I'm trying so hard to be. Because honestly, we're so comfortable with this and with each other, and not even in a boring way. Yes, we get on each other's nerves here and there, but I still appreciate the simplest things. So yes. Resolutions.. and what not.

"don't tell anyone anything"

It's ridiculous how easily I lose interest in.. everything. I really should stop being such a terrible person. I know that a big part of this is probably me overthinking/hoping/wishing that the world revolves around me. Well. It doesn't.. but my world does. Lol. Fucking joke. Interestingly enough, I find my own interest in this waning. It really was that glass shattering moment when I realised that everybody is simply chasing the flavour of the month. Right O. It's not that I didn't know it before, it's really that I didn't want to believe that everybody is simply this way. The honest version is that I didn't wanna believe that for a split second there, I was simply the new kid on the block. Meh. Whatever, I don't care anymore. LOL okay that's another joke right now. Ugh I hate this shit. I'm way too old for this. I wish I wasn't such a crazy, jealous person. I don't even have a fucking reason to feel cheated, and yet. If anything, this situation only highlights how fucked up a person I am. I know that this isn't real and I know that nothing will ever come out of this (whatever nothing this is.. as it has always turned out to be). I know we'll both lose interest, we'll run out of things to say, run out of things to kind of feel but not really. Everybody's in it for the attention. That's it. By everybody, I really fucking mean anybody. All of them. All of us. We're all just selfish people, trying desperately to feed our overblown egos. There's no sentiment in anything at this age, no sense of honest emotion, of true connection. There's only a person that gives you the attention you want and the person that doesn't give you the attention you want. Perhaps the surprising thing is that sometimes, they are the same fucking person.

I can't forget the time or place

there's just something wrong with you

I can't even believe how quickly time passes these days. In a blink of an eye, it's Sunday night again. These days, it seems even you can't keep my sane. Weekends spent slothing in bed, doing boring couple things and being too comfortable. And yet, my mind is only ever half here. What the fuck is wrong with me. Like honestly, sometimes I truly hate myself. A lesser person would say that I'm just scared of commitment and shit.. but I know, I'm just fucked up. I have so so so much, and yet I still find myself regressing. I don't even know why I'm so enamoured.. I simply can't keep my mind off it. A lot of it is just wanting what I cannot have, and or wanting to be wanted. I'm fucking insane. I don't know why i think I'm special. I guess it'll just be typical case of douchebagary and generally being an asshole. I find it fucking precious how I have difficulties trusting people, because I know how fucked up people can be.. because I am one of said fucked up people. I just want to be special. I wish I was fucking special. UGH how old am I honestly?? Why am I so butthurt about it. What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

"but you will"

“Too many guys think I’m a concept, or I complete them, or I’m gonna make them alive. But I’m just a fucked-up girl who’s lookin’ for my own peace of mind; don’t assign me yours.”

our lips must always be sealed

T'was a long and terrible week. That's just life, pretty much. I'm definitely overthinking 80% of these issues. Work is just, gonna be whatever it is. Although it was a pretty challenging and busy week, coupled with my mood swings & general uncertainty, I've decided to not let it get me down. If I'm in a bad mood at work, the person it's affecting the most is really myself. Things are bound to happen, the only thing I can change is my attitude. SO that's that then. Recently, a lot of questions have also come to light about whether or not there's truly a place for me.. and after much worrying and contemplating, I guess I've decided to just have some faith? Literally anything can happen, and worrying and letting it get me down simply doesn't add any value to the situation. I think I had let some outside influence affect my perception of my circumstances. On one hand, it's a good thing cos it broadens my perspective on where I'm at and where I could go. But on the other hand (you have different fingers), everybody's circumstances are different. Soo yeah, that was this week. But just in general, I really should be more careful. I think I may be getting myself in trouble here.. okay fine, I know I am. The fucked up thing is, there's no fucking winning here. Either I get in trouble or my ego gets a (much deserved probably) beating. Meh. Honestly though, I would be fucking butt hurt if it wasn't really a thing and I was just making it up in my head. I'm so immature. How can anyone believe that I've changed? More importantly, how am I still this fucked up person? Am I never going to grow out of this shit? The worst part is that I fucking know better.. it's not that I'm so blind that I can't see how fucked up I am. I know how fucked up I am.. and I still don't change. I can't. I just don't know how. I want so badly to be better, but I also want to have everything. It's only going to be a matter of time before I lose everything that I already have.

even if it's just pretend

am I getting myself in trouble?

it was alchemy

don't be scared cos I'm your body type

It is amazing how quickly this year has gone by. How has it already been like, six months since I've started working? It's crazy. I don't really know what to make of it all yet. My team is good and all, work itself is fine.. but where am I going? Not that it's a good time to start asking either, but meeting new people always makes you question whether your life is where it should be. Dodgy guys and sleazy faces and issues aside, I feel comfortable with the way things are now. Honestly, I can't see it ever being a good time for me to ask questions about my future because #denial. Meh. I think I need to make more friends. Like, decent non dodgy/ sleazy / over zealous friends. "Friends". Okay can. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just wanna be good. I must, I should. But even if... how real is it? I'm not like 12 anymore, I don't know why I'm acting this way. Everybody's just one in a million; one out of a bunch of chats, one out of a whole bunch of names, one out of nothing.

just be good

please, please let's use this chance to turn things around

show me fuckin' mercy

The biggest mistake to ever make is to think that you're special. This applies to everyone and everything. I know this isn't the first time I'm thinking it but like.. why is everyone so cruel. Am I too old now to still be this naive? I mean, I know it isn't real and all.. BUT IT WOULD STILL BE NICE. I don't know who I think I am. It's a joke. I know I seem ultra butt hurt.. I mean I'm not, but I kinda am. LOL. I'm just torn.. torn between wanting a complete stranger to make me feel special (??) and doing the right thing. I wanna be a good girl, I really really do... but I also want to be special. Jesus. How old am I. I know I'm being a child, and such frivolous things shouldn't matter, especially since I know it isn't real. I know it isn't real. I know that what I have is real and good and true.. but I also want things I cannot have. This is perhaps my greatest folly; the inability to settle down. It's not that I don't appreciate it, I do, but it's fucking difficult for me. It's not even about people at this point, it's really just about me and the idea of having more. More more more, all I want is more. The situations seem to be getting really... farfetched. It's like I'm reaching so far for that idea, that mystery, that possibility. All I need is a little hope to latch on it, a little mystery to pique my curiosity. I need to grow the fuck up. Nobody is special.

little rag doll

I just wanna be a good girl

& you gon' have to do it at my tempo

Why is life so long. This weekend saw me chilling, shopping and generally living my life as comfortably as I want to.. whatever that means. I don't entirely understand why, but nowadays I'm starting to falter between enjoying my comfortable life and wanting something more. Okay, not necessarily more, as it is.. just something else. Right. Am I going to be this way my whole life? It's not that I don't appreciate what I have now.. it's just that I find myself wondering, is this good enough? #commitment Lately, it seems that the question "so where do you see yourself in the next blah blah blah" has been bombarded at me left, right, centre. Let's see..... I have no idea. It's frustrating because I'm just at the beginning of my.. adulthood (if you can even call it that), and I foresee a million challenges and awkward conversations ahead of me. And although it's tiding me over now, I know citing my youth can only take me so for. More importantly, I will only be young for so long. BLEAGH. Whatever. Everything else is going fine I guess.. but then again it always is. Yeah, it's fine. It's alright. It's going. Fine.

pride and whatever

Lately, I've been feeling out of touch. My mind's been wandering.. It's not that I'm not grateful for everything that I have, it's just that.. two outta three? No thanks. I know in life we can't have every single thing exactly the way we want it.. but also, why not?? I feel like I haven't been present lately. Like right now all I can think is, why can't you just let me win? WHY. Why can't you just let me have this just this once? I let you win every other time. Truth be told, I don't even really care that much anymore. I just want to have this one thing. I mean, this isn't even about you anymore. I just want to win. That's it. Ugh. I don't want to always be the bad guy.. or at least, I don't know anyone else to know that I am always the bad guy. The funny thing is, just a few moons ago I was wondering about you. I just want it when I don't have it. God, how old am I? Or is it just that.. you're so disappointing? Or maybe it's a fair mixture of both. Pffft, fair. Sure. Maybe I just have a hankering. On the other hand.. I know things have been smooth sailing, but I'm just not here. My mind reduces to an empty space when any idea of our future or our situation or anything that involves anything potentially real comes up. What the hell is wrong with me.