An interesting, albeit lazy weekend spent getting to know some old friends better, contemplating the words of new friends and of course, in bed with bae. Interesting times spent at an adult event, doing adult things with adult people. I don't know what to take away from all of this except 1) I really want to have a fancy Chinese wedding, although I know everyone is so cynical about it. I have yet to reach that stage in my life, so as of now, I still really really want that. 2) Being around actual adults only reinforced the fact that we are seriously children. 3) I have absolutely no answer to "so when is it your turn?" LOL. Sooooo that's enough of that. On an unrelated note, it's break up season all around. I find my cynicism rearing it's ugly head again. The fact of the matter is, nobody I know deserves this shit.. but it just keeps getting shovelled at them. People are just the worst. I know, because I am also the fucking worst. It's fucking precious really. I keep wanting to be good, but what's the fucking point of just saying and not acting? I can't even convince myself when I say that I don't have feelings. I mean it's not that I do.. but it's not that I don't. Okay whatever, it's besides the damn point anyway. I know nothing can ever happen (no matter how hard you claw at me) because of a bunch of reasons. Dude, actually I'm not even fully convinced that you're interested. Okay yes I'm crazy and ultra paranoid about these things, but also like.. like that also can? The least you could've done was at least fucking pretended?? I'm not even mad anymore.. although I know I should be. It's fucked up that I felt that I was probably to blame. I mean, maybe you just think that I'm that kind of girl.. even though I fucking told you that I'm not. Which only leads me to wonder.. am I really that kind of girl? You truly didn't strike me as someone who would try to take advantage of anybody like that. I honestly thought you were a decent person, and that's the most disappointing thing. I know I'm always so bad at reading people.. but.... Well. Why have faith? I want so badly to believe that I deserve to meet someone halfway decent. LOL. Every fucking word of that sentence was fucked up. I'm just such a bad person. I want to have everything, at no costs. I know I'm a tease.. but I don't want anyone else to know. I know I'm not honest.. but I want you to believe that I am. And I know it's so wrong but.. I want you to want me. I really really want you to want me. Can you? Will you?
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