not the kind to kiss and tell

Merry Christmas is right. Boxing day has left me feeling a little blue and so very tired from all the drinking and merriment. As usual, I'm ever grateful for everything that we have.. and we have so much. Am so so lucky that we are able to enjoy ourselves, be merry and spend time together. The last week before the holidays has been tricky. In fact, the last couple of months have been pretty tricky.. in my head at least. But that last week tho.. I have no words for this bizarre situation. I don't know how I ended up trusting you so much but.. well. Just don't let me down. My head is spinning from how serious everything suddenly became. I can't say I'm still that same weary girl from before.. because somehow I've really grown into myself and us. I don't and won't let anything get in the way of this.. but at the same time, I'm terrified of the notion that this could be it. How fucking charming am I? I can tell you're trying so hard.. and I really appreciate it. Like I can really tell the difference from now and circa 2014 when we were both just going through the motions, post japan. For now all I know is.. I won't give this up without a fight, even if it means giving up other... things. Well. It's about time for that anyway (I know I've said this before). The difference is so stark, the difference between the real and the superficial. I don't know him very well at all, but what I know is this: if a person really liked someone else, they wouldn't speak or act this way. Yes, it truly depends as well on how the person reacts to you and how much they can take. But there are simply some lines you definitely wouldn't cross if you genuinely liked somebody. And I'm okay with this whole situation thing now, because I finally understand enough to at least be on the same kind of page, instead of expecting more from someone who has no genuine intentions. All mixed messages and weird paranoia aside, I think it was a good (albeit unnecessary) lesson in how I handle myself, how I come across to people and also, to just be weary about people's intentions. I'm definitely not trying to play victim here, because I know I've not been good. I'm just trying to sound this out enough for me to be okay with it. Right.