I ran into the flames

I know the past two weeks have been absolute killer and we're both tolled in every possible way but somehow we're still here. Words that were once hollow have started taking shape and form, but never sappy and unbelievable, no? As much as I would have normally preferred to be sedated each time a barrier starts forming between us, I chose to suck it up and face it full frontal (and sober) and if that doesn't say something to you I don't know what will. In all honesty, we fueled the flames ourselves with repetitive lapses of judgement and bitchy words and shouting matches and thus came to the point where we or I just couldn't do it anymore. It's one thing to play with it and another to be completely engulfed. And while I still have about nine million and three things to say to and about you (and possibly vice versa) , I am glad that we tried over and over again to patch the disconnections despite being emotionally K.O.ed. And this is about as sappy as I get so happy days for you, Adam Sanusi.

So quit your life 

and stay with me.

Maybe I've been here too long

A rainy day alone with hot coffee and a croissant leaves me wondering how long I can keep up the confinement. I feel like I have been mounted on a pedestal and it’s getting incredibly lonesome up here. Up in my own head. Up in your own head. Maybe I just have to be alone simply because I am just afraid of not meeting the social expectations. Hmm. Yet in terms of standards I have slipped considerably and it is so incredibly taxing trying to heave myself up while juggling nine million and three other things. And so I wonder every night before I drift to sleep if I am indeed capable of the coming year. That would then be the real reason why my contacts won’t stay in my eye. Yet despite all this talk of being alone, I am oh-so-everyday dependent. If Am isn’t getting me my morning coffee, then I am frantically msging people on the way to school instead of just waking up earlier to get it my damn self. Everything or more aptly everyone seems to be colliding.. around me? This is all in my head; this is all in my head; this is all in my head.. Right?

You're drifting in my head,

Leave me.

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

So it has been a crazy week. Angst, irritation, anticipation, worry, disappointment and mourning the death of my soul (hurhur) all mixed together with school, poison and a hell lot of canned coffee. The release of the poison inside me was a major consolation and saw things looking up, with much help of course. Forced smiles and bitten tongues will only get us so far. When they are right, they are right. Perhaps I was indeed blinded to the ignorance or merely just too accepting but whatever it is, I'm happy to have the outsiders point-of-view to keep me safe and sane. That and the balls to finally lay it all out. Hawhaw. Still nights spent on water or wine reminds me why and what I've changed for. Oh and the prowl is officially over and was easier than I had expected it to be. Caught off guard. Somehow you were always able to one up me and I don't quite give a fuck. It's over; Everything is all over now and I am nothing short of positively relieved.

That was strange to see you again

It's almost over adam

The difference:

Never one to forgive.

Love me

I am sad.

BLEED DAMMIT

Welcome back to Hell. So screw the hierarchy and all that cheering, I am positively brimming with school spirit. Hawhawhaw. Joke of the fucking century. I know I'm always cranky when school starts but well, I have no friends. Anyway I have been excessively bitchy and angsty of late. Let's just say that whatever it is, it better leave soon cos it's poisoning my fucking body. Excess. The prowl is a lot less vicious than I thought it would be simply cos I have too many other things to fret about. Like what to wear. And who to meet. Never underestimate how much it is that i truly abhor school and the torment it brings me. Sigh. Cheers to yet another miserable year of canned coffee and things I don't care about.

These words were never easier 

for me to say.

I hope you're not preggers like Juno

Going,

Going,

Gone.

I feel like your not okay with seeing her because your not really over her

So I am back from the land of dumplings and dumpees. Hurhur. In the short span that I have been gone splurging and urging, I've realized that I have become so jaded that it is impossible for me to believe anything anyone says to me anymore. Even after the ever-so-lovely surprise, I allow passing remarks to slip like knives across the sea. It's almost like my skin is encrusted in this beautiful green stone, protecting and guarding me from any possible warmth or harm. And on return to red bull vodka, I learnt that loneliness is indeed a universal language, one that ironically pulls people together. People connected by nothing but emptiness and desperation. Need, need to need, need to be needed; an intricately carved relationship scale (Or line rather). We've been off for too long and I don't want it to make anyone else in my life off but it.. no, I seem to have sparked off something already. Great, just fucking great. Pride and doubt and fear and angst and apprehension and why-the-fuck-can't-we-just-be and just general having to be sober this time. Run run run BANG, but yes thanks for your fucking condescending maturity and wisdom anyway. *scowl. Sigh. I am on the fucking prowl on yet another hunt to kill the thing I love the most. Oh Bailey's Chocolate Mint, you have served me all too well.

There's nowhere to move on

Keep your clothes on and don't forget me

Insane exhaustion. Or just too much wine, as always. Hee. I have been feeling a myriad of negative emotions the past few nights and frankly I am just coming to a point where I am no longer surprised anymore. While you all may be right by saying that I am not always the one who steps up and reaches over, you are wrong to say that I have completely side-stepped from this and all of you. I feel as if I have been cancelled. And while I actually understand that my choices and actions have caused this space, I can't help but miss it. I feel so out of place. Fatigue was the theme for today as Chew + Boy and I combed through a huge flea market for quirky finds. In this moment I am still half-packed (five more hours) and already missing my stupid bitch of a Madam, whom I spontaneously and failingly surprised(ish) after work on Friday night. And though I have definitely yelled/slurred this at you way too many times, you'd better fucking still be here when I fucking get back.... please? Hahaha. Oh and Am, I'm still here even though I'm in China. Yes I know you got that. Now now now, I am really escaping.

We'll run away together,

We'll spend some time forever

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want

I suppose I should take the time to brighten this place up, though my mood seems to fluctuate nine million and three times more than my ATM balance. Today saw me sneaking out at the crack of dawn only to K.O. next to a dead-to-the-world Adam for four hours, awake to Frosties and some real company..ish. Hee(: Also, our search for buttons was futile but we all walked away with our own strange purchase so cheers to Yellow-town! Right now my thoughts (and dreams) are all over but what I can definitely place is this perturbing sense of anticipation I feel. Okay fine, dread. I smell change (probably one that comes with time and space) except this time I have no idea what to expect or how to handle it. More worryingly, I feel like I no longer have much to fall back on because my constants no longer feel.. constant. So that leaves me alone once again. It's almost funny how I'm still not used to this by now.

The angel from my nightmare.