that is all

I really hope you get better

our lives went by so fast

I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
where i laid and told you, but you swear you loved me more

it's not right, but it's okay

A lot of issues (exes) resurfacing in my life right now. Well, I guess we should start with the happiest one. I love that my kitty always appears when it should and fulfills it's post of facilitating semi-awkward next-to-car conversations all year round. Ha. A surprising night, I must say, of wine and Maroon 5. My wrist hurts like a bitch now. Awoke in the morning still drunk and got yelled at to drive up to maccerz for breakfast. It was truly pleasant actually having conversations and what not. Right now, I feel perfectly fine because feelings ruin everything and we clearly don't share them. I was however, going out of my head thinking about you a little bit but that's purely physical. Alright then. This fucking month really proved that I know when things are a bad idea (ie please, it won't even show) I just do them anyway because my life is still a goddamn mess. I still live like I did when I was 16, acting out of rebellion and anger and the constant need to best others by ruining myself. The sinking feeling in my stomach when they told me and I read what I read. And although it is fucking painful for me, I still stand by what I said which that ultimately, I will be happy for you if you get what you've always wanted because I love you so much. But I'm not as big as you are, I don't know how to be. The truth is it hurts not just my pride, but me. Is everything I believed in just an illusion? I'm not so naive, I am not referring to what you and I may have said when we were together. I am talking about all the times you were there when I needed you. Through the faithlessness and hopelessness and darkness of life, you were the only thing in my life that was real (how fucking pathetic is that). But now I can't help but wonder: Did you even care or was I simply a victim of yet another of your sick schemes? This isn't about my pride as it is about the fact that without you, I have nothing to hold on to. Nothing else in my fucking life is real. Not even you now. It's sick the way my mind works. I am paranoid about everything and I am always fucking right, but I never want to believe it until proven otherwise. And when it happens (and it always fucking does), I instantly do something (or someone) self-destructive as some sick fucking revenge when I am hurting no one but myself. In my panic-stricken state, I began to wonder if maybe I've been wrong all along. That you're the one who ruined my life and he's the one that's somehow supposed to make it worth it. I fucking hate him for what he did. I hate him for ruining it. Because as much as things between us will always turn to shit, I know that somewhere inside me I wasn't ready to let it go. In between blinding rage and jealousy, I have these moments of weaknesses when I think maybe I'm making a mistake. Ah but what the fuck do I know? Clearly, there's nothing in my past that I have ever truly let go.


All we know is falling

AND YOUR PAST WILL LET GO OF YOU

I want to cry, I want to steal
a little ray of perfect sunshine from the sun above the hill.
I want to laugh, I want to smile.
Get your arms inside my head, stop me thinking for a while
I'm just a fool, hung on a sting.

in your room, in my room

This last week begun with the extremely scary realization that I only had about 3.5 weeks left actually in Singapore before I am unwillingly whisked away to my great.. adventure? Hurhur. The last few days have seen me more calm, save for what I can only assume is PMS. This notion of being a "good person" is something that continues to puzzle me, especially since the bar just keeps getting set lower and lower. Things that may have helped: accept, deny or apologize. Things he did: pretending nothing happened, stalking, sitting down. What a fucking dumbass. Seriously though, ain't nobody got time for that. Moving on. The Singapore food trail has begun and now I am fat again ): Every morning I wake up praying for the disease because well, this really is the worst possible time to be late. Hurhur. Spent a lot of quality time with the girls this week not sitting around talking about our problems (boys) but having fun, bitching about everything and pretty much getting raped on (single) ladies night. I don't know what it is about my life that attracts such ridiculous drama ie why are you guize such bitches. Why cannot. Saturday night pretty much began in the smoking room, slurring words of adoration about a boy who has always been, and unfortunately will always be, the love of my life. Much later when I pushed those thoughts out of my heavy head and when the champagne kicked in and thy appeared out of nowhere, it was like yeah sure why not. Is it weird that I don't even feel anything anymore? Perhaps it's because I expected it to happen from when she first left. Also I am actually surprised at just how much of a douchebag I actually am, wearing my wrist ache like a motherfucking prize. Idiot. It's also quite amazing to see the progress of my emotional healing from the last few times this happened, that is something I am truly proud of. And as much as there is still a gap in things between us, I still feel really comfortable because everything is strangely friendly. Right now, I'm okay.


who do boys like they're girls
who do girls like they're boys

on my way to heaven

I am so lucky to have met you and that at some point of time in our lives, we have shared and built a life and love together. There is really nobody as amazing and as big as you are to me. And although having lost what we had is something truly devastating to me, even after all this time, I am so incredibly grateful that you still find ways to help me through the darkest days. I only wish I could do the same for you but I can't offer anything except to say that I am and will always be thinking about you.

A king of everything and nothing

I'm always here, I'm in denial

When there's nothing left between us

I will stay another while

You know you're free

You've got your wings

And I am just another angel

I swear you emerged blinking into

The most tiring weekend ever but just the perfect thing to help forget about life. The weekdays before and after were spent slogging but such is life. Epic times with amazing music, good friends, peacocks and of course, our fair share of drama. And the good two or so hours that I blacked out and went to a weirdly sandy paradise (i think) for a bit. Major Lazer, Kaskade, Above and Beyond (ha), Calvin Harris and Paul Van Dyke (ha ha). Surprisingly, I had a lot more fun than I had anticipated. Now that things have simmered, I shall attempt to log the trials and tribulations of recent events. Firstly, I have come to realize that retribution is something you cannot run from, no matter how good you are. See also: here when I was angry and thoughts were exploding out of my head, only to make way for visuals so vivid I may as well have been there. Can't believe you don't at least have the decency to not get caught. Fucking faggot cunt. What he did was not a mistake, it is a way of life. I know because that's how I live. I bet neither of us thought we would see the day this truly ended. I always carried around a paranoia but I was never prepared to be embarrassed like that. I am humiliated and angry but also relieved that this is finally over. Which brings us to the next thing and back to the main point because, surprise surprise, I am stuck in an extremely ironic shit cycle of boys who are idiots. The epic "he has a girlfriend" moment where we gasped, looked at each other and just exploded into laughter. Perfect. That then brings me to the next one.. I hate having feelings, although I'm weirdly certain that this one is also another idiot. But I've also come to learn that sometimes it isn't about what happens, but about what could happen that makes it enough. Oh well. Nothing will ever come close to the most important one. The truth is I still need you. I cannot thank you enough for everything. Words aren't enough to express how much respect I have for you. As it is, I am furious and bitter about something so much smaller than what I put you through, I can't imagine how big a person you must be to be who you are. I may not have faith in people and in life but if there's one thing that may get me through, is that I will always believe in you.


I turn the music up, I'm on a roll this time
and heaven is in sight

never get over you

Saturday nights in neon lights,
Sunday in the cell.
Pills enough to make me feel ill,
Cash enough to make me well

you would never

Yesterday in a state of epic confusion, I made my way to our old stomping grounds in the scorching afternoon heat. I don't know what I was thinking or where you would be on a Tuesday afternoon. I didn't find you so I walked everywhere to make myself seen so that somewhere somehow maybe someone would tell you that they saw me and how lost I looked. "It seemed like she was looking for you" they would tell you. And maybe you would somehow know that I was lost and that I needed you. I don't know what I would have done if we did meet. I just know that merely being around you would somehow help me understand what I am going through. I miss you.

to help you forget your ex

what did you expect from post break-up sex?

#1000

I clearly use this space way too often. This is actually the #1000 post #thisiswhyidonthavefriends. It's been a weirdly disappointing week. I may never love again.. and it doesn't even bother me anymore. Such a far cry from 2009 when we held the world in our hands. First of all, boys have pregnancy brain like, all the time. It's not so much of a disappointment as it is a sad victory that I am always right about these things. But nothing compares to the next one. The thing is, I'm not so sure if I am filled with disgust because I truly disapprove or because of loyalty. Everybody says it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learnt from them.. but how many are you allowed to make before its not okay? I run on this belief that I can do it to you but you better not do it to me.. and I have. Again. And I don't feel bad. I just don't. Does it make me a bad person to forgive myself for what I did years ago? Because I have. Once again, I'm back to my faithlessness (see also: 2011). The problem with love is that it is so easily confused with trying to possess and own someone. Although, I simply can't imagine how I would feel to be at the receiving end. I remember how my imagination and paranoia used to keep me up circa 2010 after I did what I did that made me realize how easy it is to slip up, no matter how much you treasure what you have. It's precisely because I know how tempting it is that I am truly fucking paranoid. It's not so much about my self-worth as it is being realistic that nobody is 100% faithful or truthful. Which brings us back to the perennial question: what's the fucking point? Nobody belongs to anybody, no matter what we want to believe. I miss when we were younger and didn't have to think of these things. When you're young and constantly angry, you love fiercely and so stupidly. I miss that. And you. Sigh. It's not so much that I don't believe in love because I do. I know it exists and I even believe in the One and all that crap. It's just that I don't believe in relationships and in people.


Love,
I've had enough of you tonight

sun & moon & star guitars

"I'm in Paris thinking of you"

extremely loud and incredibly close

It annoys me that you've continued to surprise me time and time again. Typically, this would be an angry rant about the new lows you've sunk to.. but it's not. Maybe you were feeling nostalgic, or freshly rejected by someone else, or maybe you don't mean it, or maybe you wanted for me to wonder about you.. I don't know. The thing about you is that I could come up with three million reasons I'd rather believe than to believe that you really meant your sudden proclamation and apology.. and be proven a fool again. The problem with us is that we have nothing but time, we always win and we never quit. We're much too alike in all the ways we are terrible. My biggest fear is how real our future seems and how unhappy we look. I knew this from the day I met you. A meaningful conversation with my favorite girl today really helped me re-focus my issues. How nice that she shared that with me. Somehow as the words came tumbling out, I felt both insane and sane at the same time. I hate how big a part of my life you still are. I also knew this the day I met you. The thing is if I've felt that twice in my life, how would I know which one is the one? Life, being the way that it is, blessed me with time with two entirely different people. One whom I treated terrible and one who treats me terribly. One whom I truly loved and one who just makes sense. I'm laughing at myself now. Not that I get to choose of course, but that's just how Life is. Anyway, I was advised to readjust my vision. Right now, I'm stuck in these thoughts that I would never be happy again and I wouldn't be unless I change that. I guess something great could come along one day and make all of this feel worth it.. though what are the chances of that what with Life and all. Still, it feels nice to think of that possibility. Though from experience it seems the easiest way to lose something is to want it too much. Hmm. How did I get from obsessively-in-love to what-if-im-stuck-with-this-one? Life.


I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy

It's always necessary

It's 2:23 AM and I am thinking about you. I just finished reading a marvelous book and I am thinking about you. It's 2:26 AM and I am wishing I could share how I feel with you and tell you: "I am thinking about you".

we are not in love

This quiet week in faded pictures. Sometimes I look at them and wonder if I take myself and my social media platforms too seriously. What is the real point of all the fuss of intricately fading pictures? The truth is it isn't (just) about wanting to show off or to convince people that my life is great. It's really more of an indication or a reminder to myself that these experiences and feelings have existed in my life at some point, much like all my blogs I reckon. I don't write to tell people what's wrong with my life, but to jot down my thoughts, clear my head and also to understand the inconsistencies of my feelings. This week has been a rather quiet one, but I don't mind at all. Save for that one afternoon, though I would hardly say it was of extravagant delight. Ha. It's kinda complicated, yet really not at all. The story always goes the same way: frantic and desperate translates to sentimental-hand-holding crap and finally oh-wait-this-is-why-we-broke-up.. and then I am covered in bruises. Ha. Strangely enough, I have no gripes or resentment when he walks out the door. I guess on some level it is nice to know that there's still always something to fall back one (gag). Ahh it's always the same argument. Much like the one that should be insignificant by now.. but is not. It's so strange how someone you barely know can rattle through your mind all day like an old toy. It seems that in my attempt to make myself unattainable, it has completely backfired and sealed that status for thee in my head instead. Juuuuuust great. "The mistakes I've made are dead to me. But I can't take back the things I never did." So much for being young and stupid and indestructible, huh.


We were so young, I think of her now and then
I still hear the song reminding me of when

its a shame we have to live

I would like to see you one more time before the world ends.

how good do you have to be?

I've been thinking about you lately. I don't know much about you or where you're from or what is hurting you and vice versa, but I hope things work out well for you.

as a friend, as an old enemy

As I begin typing I know that I will most likely regret this post before I am even finished. This week's Sunday comes to thee through the haze of a post drunk-bursting-into-hot-tears morning after, slumped in bed with only myself for comfort. I guess this will be yet another post that's dedicated to the one thing in my life that hotly burned (I just like how that sounds). I hope you read what I wrote and understood it; understood that I do not mean anything more but to always be looking out for you. Honestly, I don't know why anyone would say that to me. What a cunt. Well, you've always warned me against them and I hope you remember your own words because you need them now. I know how important blood is to you, so just be careful who you guize hang around. Nothing good comes out that crowd. Look at me typing into this white box as if it could really make a difference. Pathetic. Perhaps the most pathetic of all is that deep down, I truly believe. I believe that there is always someone reading. But above all, I believe in those words. When I am, against all better judgement, reading them, I believe in my heart that it is intended as what I perceive them to be. Not all of course, I'm not that fucking self-obsessed. But there are some instances where I know, I truly believe, that I am not crazy and I am not creating an elaborate fantasy in my head (this is where I begin to regret). Although I do think it is the result of my impressions of the past that taints the truth of my memories. Meaning: sometimes what you remember isn't necessarily the truth, because one chooses how to remember something based on how they feel at the time. This choice alters the way you perceive what is true and what is not. Read also: The Sense of An Ending. I am tired now, mostly from the lack of sleep but also from carrying with foolish pride, the burden of unrequited love. A sweetness from the past can leave one feeling semi-bitter. I've grown to learn that eternal bachelors are never eternal, although I always feel eternally alone. Well.


So I put my faith in something unknown,
I'm living on such sweet nothings

your love as well as your folly

Last night as I was reciting what is possibly the most depressing story ever, that ceremoniously begins with "once upon a time" and ends with "I may never sleep again", I came to a very interesting revelation. No not the I'm crazy bit, everybody already knows that. This occurred somewhere between wondering what things would be like if my life didn't happen the way it did and wondering how I can change the future. Nothing makes me sadder than thinking of us as parallel lines, never to meet again. But I know that the past remains the past because that is simply the way that we are. There is nothing to do but to reflect with joy and wist that I have at least been blessed with these experiences. Looking back on the last few years, I've come to realize that they have been necessary. I need to learn to see things as a great journey I've had to take to aid me in my progress and healing. The first one, albeit was a mistake for unintentionally hurting an innocent party, was necessary in facilitating and protecting the emotional wreck that I was. The next one, which is slowly but surely disintegrating, is perhaps the biggest lesson of all. When it started, it was easy and I liked it. But at the same time, I struggled with a lot of guilt and the idea of redemption. I spent a lot of time fighting myself on whether or not what I was doing was right, whether what I did was something a good person would do. Being with him helped me accept what happened as something that I needed to get past, but not in the way I had intended. My time with him ironically, really showed me that I am not a bad person. I was young, I made a mistake and I hurt somebody whom I truly loved. And I hurt myself. As fucked up as it sounds, that's what youth is for. When you're young, you can't take life that seriously. I mean let's fucking face it, everybody does it. I am not trying to justify what I did, and subsequently (surprise surprise) what I did again. I am still truly sorry and I wish I could change it, but I can't. I was a kid, I wasn't ready to love somebody as much as I did. But I did. Youth has this way of making you feel invincible and free.. and to some extend, you are. You can't grow up thinking you're a terrible person for the mistakes you made but rather, the intentions behind them. I was young and I was foolish, I believed I was untouchable. I didn't mean to. What I'm really trying to say is that I finally understand why he is a necessary part of my life now, which is to in some warped way, help me accept myself and the way things turned out. Not to mention, to help me really appreciate how good I had it back then, even if it is too late. I finally feel like I'm done here, like he's served his purpose in my life and now maybe, I can fully cut the cord. That's how I feel now anyway.


as we saw this light
I swear you emerged blinking into
to tell me it's alright