extremely loud and incredibly close

It annoys me that you've continued to surprise me time and time again. Typically, this would be an angry rant about the new lows you've sunk to.. but it's not. Maybe you were feeling nostalgic, or freshly rejected by someone else, or maybe you don't mean it, or maybe you wanted for me to wonder about you.. I don't know. The thing about you is that I could come up with three million reasons I'd rather believe than to believe that you really meant your sudden proclamation and apology.. and be proven a fool again. The problem with us is that we have nothing but time, we always win and we never quit. We're much too alike in all the ways we are terrible. My biggest fear is how real our future seems and how unhappy we look. I knew this from the day I met you. A meaningful conversation with my favorite girl today really helped me re-focus my issues. How nice that she shared that with me. Somehow as the words came tumbling out, I felt both insane and sane at the same time. I hate how big a part of my life you still are. I also knew this the day I met you. The thing is if I've felt that twice in my life, how would I know which one is the one? Life, being the way that it is, blessed me with time with two entirely different people. One whom I treated terrible and one who treats me terribly. One whom I truly loved and one who just makes sense. I'm laughing at myself now. Not that I get to choose of course, but that's just how Life is. Anyway, I was advised to readjust my vision. Right now, I'm stuck in these thoughts that I would never be happy again and I wouldn't be unless I change that. I guess something great could come along one day and make all of this feel worth it.. though what are the chances of that what with Life and all. Still, it feels nice to think of that possibility. Though from experience it seems the easiest way to lose something is to want it too much. Hmm. How did I get from obsessively-in-love to what-if-im-stuck-with-this-one? Life.


I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy