cos I am afraid of the light

Quite a few things on the horizon and on my mind. Maybe I need to stop being such an anxious mess and take a different approach to things. Instead of worrying about whether or not I will find myself some friends (lol), I guess I should appreciate the fact that I'm going to be on holiday for an entire month next year. Not to mention the mini Asian tour I would have taken this year. Times like these I am truly grateful for how easy I have it. The thing about youth is that there's a tendency to overemphasize and obsess with the less-than-stellar aspects of life, ie boys. I'm trying to un-complicate my life as far as possible, de-clutter if you will. The truth is I don't want him anymore. Honestly, I hate him. Like I literally want to just punch him in the face over and over again like in that incredibly satisfying dream I had. But the thing is I can't handle the thought of that fucker with someone else. I really thought I could.. I just don't like the idea of losing. It's not so much about him as it is about me (of course) and my ego. You always hear people saying things like them breaking up cos they don't want to ruin what they had.. and I've never understood until now because by now I have literally watched a semi-decent relationship disintegrate into extremely painful conversations and mediocre.. well, you know. I'm thinking it's truly time to cut the cord. Well. Moving on. Strangely, I find others making random appearances in my wandering thoughts as well. I guess I like to wonder what could have been? Not that there's really a point since it couldn't. Much like of course, my thoughts of you. I wish I could say that nobody will ever love you like I do, but I know it isn't true. Underneath it all, it's easy to love somebody like you. When I think back on the past, the one thing I truly wish I could have changed was not what I did, but how I treated you. Youth is blinding; you can't understand how great you have it or ever see what's truly important. Or at least, that's how I see it now.


I can't sleep alone at night, you know what I mean?