your love as well as your folly

Last night as I was reciting what is possibly the most depressing story ever, that ceremoniously begins with "once upon a time" and ends with "I may never sleep again", I came to a very interesting revelation. No not the I'm crazy bit, everybody already knows that. This occurred somewhere between wondering what things would be like if my life didn't happen the way it did and wondering how I can change the future. Nothing makes me sadder than thinking of us as parallel lines, never to meet again. But I know that the past remains the past because that is simply the way that we are. There is nothing to do but to reflect with joy and wist that I have at least been blessed with these experiences. Looking back on the last few years, I've come to realize that they have been necessary. I need to learn to see things as a great journey I've had to take to aid me in my progress and healing. The first one, albeit was a mistake for unintentionally hurting an innocent party, was necessary in facilitating and protecting the emotional wreck that I was. The next one, which is slowly but surely disintegrating, is perhaps the biggest lesson of all. When it started, it was easy and I liked it. But at the same time, I struggled with a lot of guilt and the idea of redemption. I spent a lot of time fighting myself on whether or not what I was doing was right, whether what I did was something a good person would do. Being with him helped me accept what happened as something that I needed to get past, but not in the way I had intended. My time with him ironically, really showed me that I am not a bad person. I was young, I made a mistake and I hurt somebody whom I truly loved. And I hurt myself. As fucked up as it sounds, that's what youth is for. When you're young, you can't take life that seriously. I mean let's fucking face it, everybody does it. I am not trying to justify what I did, and subsequently (surprise surprise) what I did again. I am still truly sorry and I wish I could change it, but I can't. I was a kid, I wasn't ready to love somebody as much as I did. But I did. Youth has this way of making you feel invincible and free.. and to some extend, you are. You can't grow up thinking you're a terrible person for the mistakes you made but rather, the intentions behind them. I was young and I was foolish, I believed I was untouchable. I didn't mean to. What I'm really trying to say is that I finally understand why he is a necessary part of my life now, which is to in some warped way, help me accept myself and the way things turned out. Not to mention, to help me really appreciate how good I had it back then, even if it is too late. I finally feel like I'm done here, like he's served his purpose in my life and now maybe, I can fully cut the cord. That's how I feel now anyway.


as we saw this light
I swear you emerged blinking into
to tell me it's alright