#1000

I clearly use this space way too often. This is actually the #1000 post #thisiswhyidonthavefriends. It's been a weirdly disappointing week. I may never love again.. and it doesn't even bother me anymore. Such a far cry from 2009 when we held the world in our hands. First of all, boys have pregnancy brain like, all the time. It's not so much of a disappointment as it is a sad victory that I am always right about these things. But nothing compares to the next one. The thing is, I'm not so sure if I am filled with disgust because I truly disapprove or because of loyalty. Everybody says it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learnt from them.. but how many are you allowed to make before its not okay? I run on this belief that I can do it to you but you better not do it to me.. and I have. Again. And I don't feel bad. I just don't. Does it make me a bad person to forgive myself for what I did years ago? Because I have. Once again, I'm back to my faithlessness (see also: 2011). The problem with love is that it is so easily confused with trying to possess and own someone. Although, I simply can't imagine how I would feel to be at the receiving end. I remember how my imagination and paranoia used to keep me up circa 2010 after I did what I did that made me realize how easy it is to slip up, no matter how much you treasure what you have. It's precisely because I know how tempting it is that I am truly fucking paranoid. It's not so much about my self-worth as it is being realistic that nobody is 100% faithful or truthful. Which brings us back to the perennial question: what's the fucking point? Nobody belongs to anybody, no matter what we want to believe. I miss when we were younger and didn't have to think of these things. When you're young and constantly angry, you love fiercely and so stupidly. I miss that. And you. Sigh. It's not so much that I don't believe in love because I do. I know it exists and I even believe in the One and all that crap. It's just that I don't believe in relationships and in people.


Love,
I've had enough of you tonight