I was nineteen, call me

So I guess that was my year. Let's see: Justine's birthday at MBS -> countless nights at Rebel -> finally getting rid of the crazy -> all while in my last semester -> well, then there was that -> surgery for the calazion in my eye -> annual visit to the Biennale -> Paris with thy family -> AFF & the day I met the boy -> Bintan with the girls -> getting fired -> getting tragically ill.. with a UTI -> Hong Kong with Justine -> getting shingles (herpes) -> Lykke Li -> YSL with YSL boy (LOL) -> being the powerpuff girls -> countless events with Kim -> generally ending up with Kenneth. And I quote: "Why your life like that one?" LOL. Despite the counting illness I contracted, the endless late nights at Zouk, missing my own graduation, the string of boys and the girl, the ridiculous amount of money I owe my father and the multiple jobs, 2011 was significantly better than 2010. Last year, I lost everything. Last year I found myself desperately searching for answers in all the wrong places. Last year, I clung onto unhappiness for fear of loneliness. Last year I was a coward. This year I finally let everything go.. well, most things. I got rid of the crazy, I got rid of the baggage. I got rid of my fear. For a good seven months I was single and I was fine. In fact I was more than fine, I was fun. The biggest lesson I learnt this year was that nothing is really as bad as it seems. I admit I still may not be making the best decisions (my luggage remains half packed as I stop to blog instead) but I like to think I have a clearer view of things. This year I finally got the confirmation that it may not be over just yet but I also know it's not happening now. And I'm more than glad. In fact, I feel like I've grown the most when it comes to relationships. With every one I learn what I have and what I don't have and I've been through enough to size them up and learn not to take certain things for granted. Admittedly, I still have a lot to learn about being matured and what not. Next year sees me beginning at a new school (hopefully) and honestly I can't see anything past the fact that I am leaving in about eight hours to our Parisian adventure so cheers to that, happy birthday to me and happy new year to all! xx

I feel you in my heart

and I don't even know you

I was unfaithful in your bed

so I blamed you for the rain

I blame you for my lost

we won't back down

Another night spent seething as I fall into the life cycle of a hobo with no responsibilities whatsoever. The nights are long and lonely, the days are short and fleeting. Only two ish more days to our Parisian adventure and I question the foundations of this entire.. idea. I say idea because it does not seem real to me right now. For one, I am showing tinges of green. Indulging in my paranoia and suspicion. No one's telling me you seem the kind but no one's telling me you don't either. If I unravel something... a million different possibilities but rest assured, a world of hurt for you. Promise. Sigh. And the above: "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?" Is that all it was: alcohol & some epic coincidences that found me collapsing home only to explode in a steady stream of tears? Maybe it's just... everything. You, him, her.. too many to deal with. And yet at the end of the day, the only one I crave for is you. Don't fucking mess it up. It is only beginning to hit me now that I'm really about to be whisked away to live like a hobo on the dirty streets of Paris (still think we should've slept on the streets). City of Love and all the other corny stuff I'm pretty damn sure will remain myths. Just tryna keep my head up though I really worry. I know there are some things I take too seriously for my own good. Too many thoughts jumbled in the mess that is my brain. December, December...

I promise you babe I won't do you no harm

what you must realize

I'm more scared than anything else

I guess

fall apart in parts

I'm just not very good at this

not you

I'll never let my pride down for you

Dear Abigail

A complete wipe out. Well, what can I say. I guess I will never really grow out of it. It's just... Moet. My youth may be dwindling but my reckless spirit isn't quite burning out. Well, we all knew this day would come. Things never go well for long with me. A string full of lovely days back-to-back since thy disappearance. The calm before the storm. I can't even pen down certain glimpses of the disasterous night simply because I don't remember any of it. Swell. I can't tell if you are just awkward or if you're really not the kind to bear ugly grudges. the only good thing that came out of it was restored faith in this, on my part anyway. Sad to say this isn't the first time something of this nature has occurred and you continue to surprise me by still remaining here. Though that was my last chance. Perhaps the hardest part of all is that I can't guarantee that there won't be a repeat performance. One can only hope. // I typed too soon. A grudge is a grudge no matter how ugly. I wonder if I'm being too easy on myself. If I am not deserving, then neither are you. Every time I think this is it and I can finally feel what I've always longed for, you ninja over me with your lame life. It pains me to admit that I see shades of that fight in you. It's disgusting. If I have to go through that kind of emotional abuse again then my theory that relationships are stupid would have been proven right. After all, I'm always right.

a heartbreaker right from the start

it was never either of us

then you remind me why

I may never love you

a future that might never exist

I'm all better just thinking about

when you come home, I'm gonna kick you out

then you show up with that stupid grin

and I just let your love in

I want you, endlessly

I'm not surprised at how I feel. A lull in the weekend. These blinding lights been nothing to me. I miss you, quite dearly. It's not really the number of days so much as it is the thought of the distance between us. "Why do you pretend you don't care?" Those overused words struck me like a chord. Maybe it's the time we've spent that's really fostering these feelings of warmth and other gay things inside me. Finally, the release of thy hormones and the illness that makes me a crabby person. I am too quick to threaten, I know. But it's only because I know you won't let it get that far. Not now anyway. It makes me really really mean. I don't know. I miss how you take up more than half of my tiny bed, the playful and increasingly violent fights we get into on the wet streets outside my gate, the irritating way you lumber so noisily down the stairs on our escape route and the way you cajole me when I throw one of my meaningless, completely random fits. Damn it. One more week and I'll be free to live back in my head, dreaming of our parisian adventure. It's The History Of Love that's making me this way, I know it. Once upon a time, there was a boy who lived in a house opposite a girl who no longer exists. It gets me every fucking time. Funny how neither of us exists anymore and yet I still have to deal with so many fucking consequences. Or maybe, it's just me that doesn't exist anymore. Not in that world anyway. Perhaps it still exists, just without me and because I am watching as an outsider that I get these bitchy looks and sneers. Probably also because they're allowed to show that they hate me now... must've been how I made her feel. Hmm. To be frank, I'm happy I don't exist anymore. It has let me see so much of the worlds I've missed whilst residing only in that one concentrated bubble. It really helps me put into perspective what I have and sadly also, what I don't have.

You gave me your answer, goodbye

Now I'm all on my own tonight

we're not blind

I am so fucking over this bullshit

wrench

when I tell our story

my heart is breaking like you heard

Just when I thought things were getting better. Just when I put some faith into this and us, you come and ninja over me with you and your life. Well. I am easily misguided with tousled sheets and glossy eyes. Just when I started to regret that monumental decision a little bit less. Bitch please. I guess it just really goes to show what's important to you. Not that I get to say much I know, because at the end of the day I know I'm not fully comfortable with being with you. And I know it's not fair the way I compare in my head. It's just.. so obvious, you know? The vast difference between the two and I'm not just talking about Facebook. It's just my life and your life. How dare you even pretend to want to actually be a part of my life when you don't want me in yours. Not that it bothers me. And I know nobody believes me when I say that but it's true because, to put it extremely simply, I think I'm too cool for you two. Yup. I said it. But that's really not that new either. Well. Maybe I just like to indulge myself and remember the great times. I guess at the end of the day I just want to feel that kind of security that I've always felt and taken for granted. It really isn't until now that I realize I've always had it so fucking easy. This right now is so much more than it used to be but I think you've reach your maximum capacity. And I've yet to really begin.

I find it kind of funny,

I find it kind of sad

you and me together

nothing gets better

that no longer exists

it still breaks my heart

December

Death or Glory;

How'd you want it?

something about baby, you and i

Sometimes I feel like it's just so much of some warped whirlwind romance. But then again, what do I do that isn't warped? After all the words and all the years and all those damn fights, I actually relented. I toss around in bed with my bruised ego and a sneer on my face but I know it's the best option. I hate being old. Too old to be playing such games, too old to be holding onto that anymore, too old to be messing up when I can stop it. Sigh. Well. That's that. Another ironic night at Rebel just for old time's sakes. It's amusing, really. "You just need something to excite you". How thrilling, the great unknown, wondering what could happen even with chains around our necks. Nothing, of course. Because that's what normal people are like. Yes. I'm tryna be normal. Speaking of being old, I can't believe we actually did it. I guess it's really make or break, though this chinese guilt is really breaking my spirit and ruining my excitement. That and this pressure you're putting on this for us. I wonder if you've felt this way all along, just that you've finally decided to show it. You've definitely grown more attached. As have I, of course, even I can't deny that. I guess pride gets to everybody. Pride and the fear of vulnerability. The truth is it's not always about my ego, some times.. most times it's really just about me not wanting to be vulnerable and susceptible to believing in something that isn't real. Or that will eventually not be real. Because let's be honest, I barely survived the last time and I won't know how to do it again. I won't know how to survive having my whole world ripped apart at the seams. I don't know how to deal with a jilted lover's bitter revenge because it still fucking haunts me. I can't fucking do that again.

This time baby, I'll be bulletproof

much too proud to walk away

Wouldn't it be nice? It's so fucking typical, really. It's almost like a fucking template the way these things go down. It's a tantrum I can't handle throwing. For a bit I contemplated chatting up my safety net because that's all I'm really looking for isn't it? Like what's a girl got to do to get some motherfucking attention around here. But I know I can't keep fucking crawling back in that direction every time something fucks up in my life, no matter how tempting and surprisingly easy. So I wait. And I seethe. November has gotten off to a fucking stellar start as I stomp my feet on the thin ice beneath us. I can't control myself, I'm psychotic I'm sure. Sometimes it's almost like I fight and lash out and throw snide remarks just to get some kind of reaction. It's quite simple really. If I feel neglected, I would neglect you too. It wouldn't matter what I know. Sometimes I say/think things that make me stop and think "who the FUCK does this girl think she is" It's like I push and push and push to get what I want and when I have it, I don't want it that way. I don't want to feel like I've taken it, I want to feel like it was your idea all along. I act like some spoilt brat but I don't want to feel like one. Irony. I'm a walking disaster and I've been doing this for years now. The only difference, and perhaps what's so much worse, is that I'm a lot more aware of it now. I can control my temper and my words much more than I could but never enough simply because I don't want to. I've just been so stuck on this idea of neglect and non-importance after your brilliant ruiner comment. Like a broken recorder in my head, stuck on that one glitch. Not that you'd notice, really.

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I'm tired of the sunset

A string of endless nights. Where do I even begin. The first one saw me seeing green, or well seeing red. It's like you don't wanna look but you can't help but stare and wonder why it's not you. Hurhur. Not that I really wanted it to be me, it's just the jeluz person I am. Your uncalled for rage. Pfft. The next night was well, I don't remember. I have a problem with attention. Heck, you could even attribute it to clinginess. It's pretty straightforward really, a million times over. It's so unhealthy, it's destructive and yet I let it happen. The less I get, the more I desperately crave. Maybe I'm really not suited to be.. tamed? But I am, I know I am. I know I'm that kind of girl, I have it in me to settle down away from the glitz of the lights and empty highs. In fact it's really what I want, I just can't seem to do it.. now. An over emotional night coming off not getting what I want. I wonder if you realize I am in the midst of a giant tantrum. A storm is brewing above me as I sit like a petulant child in my corner sneering, scorned and now adamant that you also don't get any. Even if it means gritting my teeth and biting my tongue. So so much mistrust. I think it reflects badly on myself; I fear you would do to me what I could do to you. I take my own capabilities and reflect it onto you, and because of that I also can't trust. It's really not you so much as it is.. me. Well. What's new. It costs waaaay too much around here to fuck up -.- You little bustard. Moving on. I struggle to understand why the lack of connection affects the dynamics of our favorite past time, when having no connections whatsoever never made a difference before. It doesn't make sense to me unless things are finally.. falling apart.

what you got

is what you wanted

I said

'Honey I don't feel so good, don't feel justified

Come on put a little love here in my void,'

he said 'It's all in your head,'

and I said 'So's everything'

But he didn't get it; I thought he was a man

But he was just a little boy

I promise you babe I won't do you no harm

At least you'll know I'm not a liar

running over the same old ground

I don't know what's wrong with me. This intense ache. This acute sense of sadness. I can't run from it. It really doesn't take a wasted night to realize it, it's the cause of the night itself. Crashing home only to have a complete and utter breakdown, questioning every aspect of my life as these painful thoughts and alcohol pulse through my brain. I just can't fucking live with myself. It's like I fuck up every chance I get. I fuck everything up. I am making a conscious effort not to, I just do. And that's the worst part, I genuinely try not to. I simply can't. It's disgusting, the way I think and how invincible I think I am. I can't fucking live with myself. It just really boils down to the fact that I am simply not happy with my life at the moment. I don't know why it's always on my mind. I do not exaggerate, it is always.. always on my mind. I cannot escape it. Redemption is a load of shit, I am living my fucking nightmare. Good for you, good on you because your fucking plan worked and I will always be miserable now thanks to you. I am not winning this. The only thing I win is that I'm in love with what I have, and yet the notion itself makes me sick to the core. Life's great irony. I am extremely tired from carrying this dead weight every fucking minute of every fucking day. Some days I cruise along feeling just short of enough. It's like I got the smaller half of the pill and I can feel it tingling in my brain and I can feel the waves of sensations grazing my skin. It's like I can feel the bubble of energy pushing up from my core and I can feel it rising. And I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm waiting for the push, the final surge. At the peak of my anticipation, I am waiting for the complete eruption of happiness.. but it never comes. And maybe it never will. And I am hoping so fucking hard, I want to believe it sooo badly. I want it all. I want everything. And I am fucking scared it will never reach that stage. And even if it does, it's really just... empty.

Did they get you to trade

your heros for ghosts?

I just miss my best friend

Cos it's too important to stay the way it's been

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

ain't for you

oops

back at your door

Not sure why I thought I'd have a drama-free night. Exited only to be greeted by you in your.. whatever the fuck it is you call clothes waiting impatiently like this was my fucking idea. It's like, chill da fuq out bruh it was only a fucking penguin. LULz. Everybody's like.... why?! and I can't explain myself either. These days I find my mind involuntarily drifting to... that. I guess the real question is.. how the FUCK do you KNOW?! It's like I have a sign stamped on my forehead that says "NOT YOURS". You must be krazy to put up with this. Everyone else was. The worst part is I'm really trying my best with this one. I don't know what it is that keeps pulling me away from you; other than your frankly stale sense of humor, your incessant irritating nagging, this pressure and the increasingly glaring fact that you will always pick that fat chinese boy over me. Which I am fine with, except what's the point of acting like I'm so fucking important when 1) I'm not 2) you don't know what it means to feel important. See. The bitchiness is kicking in and my feelings are honestly, weaning. I just think it's fucking sad because I am fucking trying my best not to let it slip because I don't want to have wasted my life on this.. twice. To be fair, it is painfully parallel to the time of my life.. just the milder, less epik version which frankly, makes this so much more difficult.

take my tongue,

go have some fun

you will never love me again

too much pressure