much too proud to walk away

Wouldn't it be nice? It's so fucking typical, really. It's almost like a fucking template the way these things go down. It's a tantrum I can't handle throwing. For a bit I contemplated chatting up my safety net because that's all I'm really looking for isn't it? Like what's a girl got to do to get some motherfucking attention around here. But I know I can't keep fucking crawling back in that direction every time something fucks up in my life, no matter how tempting and surprisingly easy. So I wait. And I seethe. November has gotten off to a fucking stellar start as I stomp my feet on the thin ice beneath us. I can't control myself, I'm psychotic I'm sure. Sometimes it's almost like I fight and lash out and throw snide remarks just to get some kind of reaction. It's quite simple really. If I feel neglected, I would neglect you too. It wouldn't matter what I know. Sometimes I say/think things that make me stop and think "who the FUCK does this girl think she is" It's like I push and push and push to get what I want and when I have it, I don't want it that way. I don't want to feel like I've taken it, I want to feel like it was your idea all along. I act like some spoilt brat but I don't want to feel like one. Irony. I'm a walking disaster and I've been doing this for years now. The only difference, and perhaps what's so much worse, is that I'm a lot more aware of it now. I can control my temper and my words much more than I could but never enough simply because I don't want to. I've just been so stuck on this idea of neglect and non-importance after your brilliant ruiner comment. Like a broken recorder in my head, stuck on that one glitch. Not that you'd notice, really.

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray