something about baby, you and i

Sometimes I feel like it's just so much of some warped whirlwind romance. But then again, what do I do that isn't warped? After all the words and all the years and all those damn fights, I actually relented. I toss around in bed with my bruised ego and a sneer on my face but I know it's the best option. I hate being old. Too old to be playing such games, too old to be holding onto that anymore, too old to be messing up when I can stop it. Sigh. Well. That's that. Another ironic night at Rebel just for old time's sakes. It's amusing, really. "You just need something to excite you". How thrilling, the great unknown, wondering what could happen even with chains around our necks. Nothing, of course. Because that's what normal people are like. Yes. I'm tryna be normal. Speaking of being old, I can't believe we actually did it. I guess it's really make or break, though this chinese guilt is really breaking my spirit and ruining my excitement. That and this pressure you're putting on this for us. I wonder if you've felt this way all along, just that you've finally decided to show it. You've definitely grown more attached. As have I, of course, even I can't deny that. I guess pride gets to everybody. Pride and the fear of vulnerability. The truth is it's not always about my ego, some times.. most times it's really just about me not wanting to be vulnerable and susceptible to believing in something that isn't real. Or that will eventually not be real. Because let's be honest, I barely survived the last time and I won't know how to do it again. I won't know how to survive having my whole world ripped apart at the seams. I don't know how to deal with a jilted lover's bitter revenge because it still fucking haunts me. I can't fucking do that again.

This time baby, I'll be bulletproof