running over the same old ground

I don't know what's wrong with me. This intense ache. This acute sense of sadness. I can't run from it. It really doesn't take a wasted night to realize it, it's the cause of the night itself. Crashing home only to have a complete and utter breakdown, questioning every aspect of my life as these painful thoughts and alcohol pulse through my brain. I just can't fucking live with myself. It's like I fuck up every chance I get. I fuck everything up. I am making a conscious effort not to, I just do. And that's the worst part, I genuinely try not to. I simply can't. It's disgusting, the way I think and how invincible I think I am. I can't fucking live with myself. It just really boils down to the fact that I am simply not happy with my life at the moment. I don't know why it's always on my mind. I do not exaggerate, it is always.. always on my mind. I cannot escape it. Redemption is a load of shit, I am living my fucking nightmare. Good for you, good on you because your fucking plan worked and I will always be miserable now thanks to you. I am not winning this. The only thing I win is that I'm in love with what I have, and yet the notion itself makes me sick to the core. Life's great irony. I am extremely tired from carrying this dead weight every fucking minute of every fucking day. Some days I cruise along feeling just short of enough. It's like I got the smaller half of the pill and I can feel it tingling in my brain and I can feel the waves of sensations grazing my skin. It's like I can feel the bubble of energy pushing up from my core and I can feel it rising. And I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm waiting for the push, the final surge. At the peak of my anticipation, I am waiting for the complete eruption of happiness.. but it never comes. And maybe it never will. And I am hoping so fucking hard, I want to believe it sooo badly. I want it all. I want everything. And I am fucking scared it will never reach that stage. And even if it does, it's really just... empty.

Did they get you to trade

your heros for ghosts?