so this is the new year

2013 was actually a pretty damn good year. I let go of a lot of negativity I've been harbouring for years, kinda sort of fell in love but also like not really, lived abroad, travelled and experienced so many new and different places and perhaps the most surprising of all, actually made some new friends. Here's to hoping that 2014 will be as good, if not better.

may all your troubles soon be gone

Just a quick one because #christmas. The above depicts a flurry of activities in the +65, generally enjoying our lives and avoiding assignments. Taiwan was an interesting adventure but that's, once again, a story for another day. This year feels much lighter than the last, with the exception of the first couple of days I've been home. I'm sorry I've been acting crazy and over-sensitive and psychotic because I know we have a long way to go and I should really refrain myself from ruining what we have with my psychotic thoughts. Interestingly enough, I spent a good portion of last night flipping through pages from 2007 and came to the realization that I'VE ALWAYS BEEN CRAZY. Apparently, every little thing makes me question people's intentions and I often irrationally believe that the world is against me. Although I'm fucking certain I have a better control over myself now that I'm older, since I know now that not everything revolves around me.. LOL joking. But seriously though. Another thing I've learnt is that apparently, I've always always been obsessed with her #whuuuut #whoknew. But that's besides the point I suppose. Actually no, let's address this for a moment. This year is infinitely different from the last because I am no longer battling demons from my past and am instead, making polite conversations with genuine intentions. Right this instance, Yellow is playing and I am thinking of the time we made the crazy and rash decision to walk a long fucking walk home and feeling absolutely wistful. I've always maintained that I love you and care for you and that will never change, but it's finally stemming from a healthy place now. As for her.. well. She'll always remain an enigma. But back to the main topic, my psychotic-ness. Before I left, I was a real bundle of nerves. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, wrecking myself over the thoughts of distances and.. let's face it, infidelity. But when I was there, everything escaped me. Or well, I escaped everything. The negativity couldn't get to me and I finally let go of my anxiety and suspicion because.. whatever the fuck for? Whatever fucking happens happens man, be it me or you or whatever whoever. Right now, all I can think to do is focus on now and myself and what we have, not what we could have or what could happen. Mainly because I couldn't handle it, but also because: whatever the fuck for? #japan2014


Oh Christmas lights, light up the streets
Light up the fireworks in me

curiosity becomes a heavy load

My anxiety is rooted in the fact that you still held on to her as if nothing changed, while you built a home in my bed. 

you're his favourite worst nightmare

It's been a trying week (and it isn't even over yet). The past two weekends have been spent un-memorably with passing deadlines and much yearning. The weekdays were spent casually drinking, playing drunk guitar hero and going on joyrides. Excuse my inability to form coherent sentences, this emotional hangover is casting a cloud over my mind. What a questionable night. First of all, I sometimes think that buu is the best kind of friend there is. Or always. There's no simpler way to put it than to say that I miss you, because I do. I don't know how it's been so long since the last time.. but I guess there has never been a lack of time and distance between us. And I don't even mean it in a romantic way, I also miss just hanging out with you. Nostalgia? Maybe this time last year, or the year before. But it feels different this time.. like it's more than just the shroud of wistfulness. I hope I don't sound crazy.. because I am. I can't handle how emotional I am right now #pms And the next one.. I don't know where to start. It's amazing to think that it's actually almost been a year since that time you did that thing when we were at that place because up until last night, I have been, quite frankly, fairly smitten with you. And then. "It's a push and pull thing". Those words still ring in my mind. It wasn't so much a glass shattering moment because I actually knew it before you said it. I know what kind of person you are - you're the kind of person that doesn't understand what a good thing is. To be fair, I'm like that as well. I too desperately want things I cannot have, only to obtain it and realize it meant nothing at all. What disgusts me is that those words fell from your lips mere moments after the world's most undesirable words. Do you really think you love me? Now for the prize: do you really think I respect you?


Curiosity becomes a heavy load
Too heavy to hold, too heavy to hold

your hands around my neck

In my imagination you're waiting, lying on your side

With your hands between your thighs and a smile

(and I like you)

We're never done with killing time,

Can I kill it with you?

'Til the veins run red and blue.

We come around here all the time,

Got a lot to not do, let me kill it with you.

we aren't caught up in your love affair

This year has absolutely flown past and it's been nothing short of amazing

I just wanted you to let me in

This has been an incredibly trying week. The last week of school for the year and I haven't truly slept in days. Perhaps what is more trying is this resentment I feel towards you for being exactly what I thought you were not. Mayhaps I'm more naive than I thought, or maybe I just don't like being on the losing end of anything. Am I taking this out on you, or are you just being a piece of work? Because let's face it, we're both too old for this shit. Or you are anyway. I'm tired. The worst part of this all is that I'm aching to be beside you. I hate this. I hate having feelings and all that crap it's so gay. So gay. The worst bit of this all is the crippling insecurity and the fact that I signed up for this shit in the first place. The more I know I can't trust you, the more I do because #psychotic. I can't. No amount of mental preparation and my psychotic do-unto-thee crap would make the inevitable end easier. I know this because #5.


Cos there's a tune I've found
that makes me think of you somehow,
and I play it on repeat

red, white and blue's in the skies

You said to be cool but I'm already coolest

I said to get real, don't you know who you're dealing with?

dreaming about the things that we could be

I wonder if you'll even feel guilty

someone, somewhere's sweet embrace

Tonight there is an air of sadness. As you drove off and away from the 36 odd hours we spent together, I settled back into my room and myself and was greeted with an old friend. Reality isn't quite all it's cracked up to be. I should feel blissful but more often than not, the feeling of happiness leaves with you. Not to say that things haven't been lovely, cos they very unfortunately have been and oftentimes, I catch myself thinking too fondly of you. But what is to follow is not a reflection of what we have (not technically I suppose) but about the way I view life, about being jaded and about for lack of a better team, cheated. I think the worst things to feel is to feel like you've been short changed - like you've been cheated of your youth, of your investment and more importantly, your faith and your belief. What I hate is this idea that girls sit around at home and wait while boys rampage through town like sex starved monkeys. What I abhor about it is that it's true 90% of the time. I look at my friends, all good at heart with more than any guy could ask for, and I see them in this position and it affects me so much. This notion of love and relationships, its disgusting. Trustworthiness is a forgotten virtue. This is why I am the way that I am, because I'm so jaded and so proud that I'd quicker do it to you than have you do it to me, just so I have something to cling on to when things inevitably fall apart. Yeah, it's bitter and fuck yeah it's twisted.. it's an extremely indulgent and sick form of protection that has come to be my way of life. When I look at my friends and their situations, I can't help but wonder whether when it's gonna happen to me, no matter how blissful spending this much time with you is. Because 1) of the way we met 2) the person that you are 3) the person that I am 4) the fact that this right now is based on convenience 5) the person that you are. People like that just have it in them. Maybe also I'm coming to the realization that I may not be as special as I think I am. The truth is I'm not worried you're gonna leave me for someone better than me, I'm horrified at the thought of you leaving me for someone that isn't even better than me. This is how the cycle begins. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. I guess this was about you after all.


How should I hold this girlfriend?
As tight as I ever could?
Now, why should I?

that repeatedly defeated me

I guess to say that I am unhappy is an exaggeration of sorts but to disregard this nagging feeling of discontent also seems like a mistake I can't afford to make. Right this instant, this discomfort is spreading through my being in the form of regret and disappointment. I don't know how I did this at the beginning and how I suffered through this every single fucking day while you spent afternoons filling your own void with someone else. I don't know why I put up with this paranoia and insecurity. The truth is I'm too emotionally invested, which is why I overlook all these problems. I could be happier. I could be more satisfied. I could be better. If I believed.

you're like a rocket through me

Because no one is safe

From someone somewhere's sweet embrace

And so I have simply decided to dislike you now

but you don't mean a thing to me

Where do I even begin. I suppose I should start with the fact that I've lost my phone and well, all hell ensued. I really should've learnt and or known better.. I can't quite deny that I am indeed stubborn and foolish, to say the very least. Right at this very moment, I don't know where you've gone and it's creating a void in me. Here we go again. I've come to realize I'm pretty damn obsessed with you.. as far as my obsessions go. So that's really great, because things may be fine and peachy now (well not right this now), but what's gonna happen when everything inevitably falls apart? I really need to pick my advances more carefully. It's only a matter of time and sadly, who. This is hurting my feelz. On to more pressing matters.. well. It upsets me greatly that the biggest concern I have is that if you're freaking dead or alive. I guess to an extremely large extent, it's truly none of my business.. but like, come on dude. Maybe you don't understand how important you are, not just to me but like just as a human being co-existing with other human beings. I don't even know what to say anymore other than I hope you're well.. and that well, whatever else that we already know.


Caught in the symmetry of your mind
But I'm not happier than you

every feeling, every word

Thank you for last night. I think by now it would be dishonest if I said I wasn't falling for it you.

Am I Wry?

A quick glimpse at a staycation that just fell in our laps, a welcome retreat from the nothing we do all the time ie not studying. The last week or so has been spent kind of studying ish I guess.. sometimes space is good. And sometimes space leaves room for paranoia. But I digress. Today's paper was so tiring that somewhere like 2.5 hours in I was like holy shit am I still freaking writing? I know I shouldn't be complaining because if we don't have exams, then how would we earn our degree? So I bite my tongue and push on. It's been particularly stressful, though I can't quite tell if it's because it's final year or because I spend so much time with you not studying that it impedes my progress. Can't blame you either way I suppose. Last night after my frenzied oh-my-god-what-if-what-i-studied-doesn't-come-out panic attack, I was trying to push these thoughts out of my mind when it settled on something more off-putting. One other reason for my certainty that this won't become real is the fact that you lack drive and motivation in your life and that really diminishes my respect for you as a person. Enough said. On a lighter note, my father has finally realized that next year is a complete waste of money - in his words: "no exams?? so basically it's just a holiday?!". #japan2014



What's your name? No one's gonna ask you 
Better find out where they want you to go

instant crush

A tender thought of you passed through my mind today and I took a moment to reflect with a great sense of fondness. I love you and miss you, and I really hope things have started looking up for you.

that makes me think of you somehow

I find that I either feel overwhelming sad when we're not together, or not feel it at all. And even though it's only been a few hours, right now I am feeling the former. Miz u.

or should I just get along with myself?

I miss you and I wish you were here with me.

I dare you to let me be

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
To forget your past and simply be mine

can it be the way it was?

Is this the beginning of the end?

it don't beat the way it used to

A flurry of activities - tea @ St Regis with my favourite boy, my favourite flew home for some QT, the night I went out cos you went out, crabs with my grandmomma, my girlfriend and of course, F1 weekend with The Killers. This week is a welcome break from school, two weeks till exams and I can't believe I'd be done with the first semester. Only one more to go before we jet off to TOKYOOO for exchange #2. Life has been very kind, although peppered with minor illnesses and even more minor disputes. Sometimes when I'm alone at night I feel the stillness in the air and the emptiness in my bed but all is instantly forgotten when my phone lights up.. SO GAY. But alas, life is never all sunshine and butterflies and crap. This paranoia. I can't. I don't know how. "Are you falling in love with me?" Why do boys always say that. The problem with my paranoia is a) it's not that baseless I guess b) it affects even the littlest of things c) I'm too proud to ever talk about it.  What to do. Lately, I've come to realize that life is cyclical and paradoxical. I've been toying with the idea that perhaps the reason I always attract people that seems disloyal and untrustworthy is because I am exactly so. For example, if I don't trust you, I wouldn't hesitate if and when someone else pique my interest cos I'd think: "Well, you'd do it to me, right?" I don't know why I can't grow out of it. In practice, it seems ingenious but when I truly think about it.. it all seems extremely frivolous.


The spaceman said everybody look down,
it's all in your mind.