it don't beat the way it used to

A flurry of activities - tea @ St Regis with my favourite boy, my favourite flew home for some QT, the night I went out cos you went out, crabs with my grandmomma, my girlfriend and of course, F1 weekend with The Killers. This week is a welcome break from school, two weeks till exams and I can't believe I'd be done with the first semester. Only one more to go before we jet off to TOKYOOO for exchange #2. Life has been very kind, although peppered with minor illnesses and even more minor disputes. Sometimes when I'm alone at night I feel the stillness in the air and the emptiness in my bed but all is instantly forgotten when my phone lights up.. SO GAY. But alas, life is never all sunshine and butterflies and crap. This paranoia. I can't. I don't know how. "Are you falling in love with me?" Why do boys always say that. The problem with my paranoia is a) it's not that baseless I guess b) it affects even the littlest of things c) I'm too proud to ever talk about it.  What to do. Lately, I've come to realize that life is cyclical and paradoxical. I've been toying with the idea that perhaps the reason I always attract people that seems disloyal and untrustworthy is because I am exactly so. For example, if I don't trust you, I wouldn't hesitate if and when someone else pique my interest cos I'd think: "Well, you'd do it to me, right?" I don't know why I can't grow out of it. In practice, it seems ingenious but when I truly think about it.. it all seems extremely frivolous.


The spaceman said everybody look down,
it's all in your mind.