Now panic and freak out

Well now, you've truly caught me off guard again haven't you? Well no, not sonia. It seems that every time I turn around, you get me right in the face. Okay I can really be a handful and as much as it kills me to admit it, you are really handling me pretty damn well. I am a tough nut to crack and even more so to deal with. Turn your back for a few days and I've run off for a "change of scenery" and a huge bruise on my bum. Quite frankly, I am appalled at myself. I am not doubting the reality of my ex-isting situation but I still stand by what I said which is that, I will always pick what I have over... that. Whatever the fuck that is. Strangely enough, now that you've returned I barely feel the pang anymore. Maybe your lack of obvious interest is part of your way of dealing with it. I mean, I am giving you the benefit of the doubt here but.. I believe it. I want to believe it. I mean, how many people can sit there and listen to me instill insecurities and confirm fears so stoically. And I suddenly see your added effort to keep me up and I really do appreciate it. Although I still think some hours can afford to be spent apart + yesterday's sudden drought. Queer, I guess I just had my mind running all over the place and full of uncertainties. I know it's unfair to throw them on you like it's your fault you left on a holiday I just left on two weeks prior. I am terrible. Maybe it's just the swell of an enjoyable few days but I'm definitely glad you're back to keep me on my toes again.

something about lonely nights

and my lipstick on your face

is that all this is to you?

why don't you love me?

What a pack of lies. To be honest, I've never actually really heard those words before, strangely. Not from a girl anyway, always from the boys but.. they're just boys to me. But to hear it from someone who always seemed to (be the only one to) take your side; it felt like a slap to the face. "She's just using you" - those ugly words sting like salt to a wound. A wound that's been left festering for years, gutted so much that it's barely recognizable as a part of my past anymore. And yet, it's still an iconic part of me, now. Familiar eye rolls and these pained empathetic faces greet me as I regale our night and hassle over my residual feelings. Here we go again, I almost hear. I might just be stuck here forever. Nobody gets to me like you do and you don't even have to do anything. Come and go as you please, take what you want, give nothing back. Watch as my harbored anger and resentment dissipate to nothing but carefree laughter over recycled jokes. At some point I found myself watching you as you animatedly shared a story I probably didn't even want to hear, and I caught myself wondering "why aren't I good enough for you?" I just don't understand. I guess above all, I just want to know what I mean(t) to you. Will that always remain an enigma to me? Much like the mystery that is your being. What is it about you? You and your imperfections, your perfect teeth, your strong bold eyes, your irresistible mannerisms.. fuck you. Fuck. You.

You know how time flies,

Only yesterday was the time of our lives

so calm and dull

Damn you. I am supposed to be mad at you. I am supposed to be angry that there are so many unresolved issues between us. I am supposed to hate you. And yet I don't. To be very honest, I feel surprisingly nonchalant about it (LOL). Well, maybe I really am disillusioned about my feelings for you. Maybe I'm just so used to thinking I am semi in love with you that I just assume that I still am. Because to be perfectly honest, I feel like I've just had a normal catch up session with an old friend, much like the night before what is now known to be the incident. Except now I have someone else to go home to. Well, not really go home to. Not that he's ever awake. Ever. This morning's question about whether or not I was truly bored of you was answered during this afternoon's session. "Learn to want what you have" and what I have is stability and some sense of physical comfort. To be fair, we do shake things up and our conversations are still lively and amusing to me. I am afraid I'm taking this for granted but sometimes I am also afraid that there's really nothing much to take. I guess some more time apart will be the be and end all to these questions.. for a while anyway. Right at this moment, I will pick you over anything. But well, whatever it is, for the time being I am really glad the domino effect isn't in play.

I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy

at a rate that is truly alarming

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray

I can still feel the ache

I'm always wrong but you're never right

First of all, I am never drinking again. Ever. Returned home, collapsed in my driveway and threw up in my garden after insisting on gettin' my duh-rank onz. Hangover from hell ensued. Life. Not feeling much of anything cos I'm pretty sure there's nothing to feel and well, it's like really quite harmless. To me anyway. My God, do I really need to get my morales in check. tsk tsk. I have too many vices and you are one of them. I know I sound really lame but I am worried about the weekend and how bored I am going to be. I hope I don't feel your absence though I'm very sure I will, especially since it's really been months since we've started conversing (read: talking cock). Sometimes I wish we were closer so I understand you and the things you do, though I doubt I will ever get to really know you if you keep up with the need to impress me. To be honest, I know that it's both ways. I can't quite say I'm entirely comfortable with you. I too try my best to hide my flaws and shortcomings. And then there are days like today where I give up, in glasses and all and whine like a baby about my tummy ache. And surprisingly, you just took it. I know it's nothing out of the ordinary; I guess my expectations of you are really exceedingly low but I am really starting to see that you are capable of caring. Shocker. It's strange sometimes when I think of how jaded I have become from my past relationships that I don't put faith in you and in this. Not enough anyway. Yet I can't deny that my feelings are growing by the day (whatever that means). I guess I'm just waiting for expectations and disappointments to destroy it but right now, I guess things are really looking up.

I thought I'd never see the day where you smiled at me

I hear them calling

I've really got to get used to this

this love will be your downfall

And this would be the other day. Looking back, I am wondering what my issue was. Something I blew out of proportion in my head I'm sure. Although I remain ye of little faith, today was simply.. divine. A good mix of adventure and comfort; my momma's epic confrontation, rollin' around in the pool, crashing a totally random event to pee and well, getting the adrenaline pumping up in here. Not that I am one to gush but I do find myself being very ungrateful of the things you do actually present. Leaving aside what can only be the coolest gift in the world (not exactly a 2.55 but.. still), it's completely unfair of me to believe that you bring nothing to the table. You are receptive to the things I say, I can tell. Because I am lame and immature, I communicate by dropping hints that you surprisingly, pick up. And maybe I really am greedy, because I can tell that you do put thought into what we should do and what not. Granted, you don't always pull through and still can't tell a consistent lie-.- Amazingly, I know you care from the way you nag and push me to face reality. And when you asked me to promise to always be honest with you, I was at a complete lost for words. It took me by surprise that it mattered to you whether I was happy and all around satisfied. Maybe I really just don't give you enough credit or maybe I'm really too cautious with my own emotions. Maybe it's time to trust you or more importantly, maybe it's time to trust myself.

who are we to tell ourselves that we're misunderstood?

sucks to be you right now

I guess this is one of those days where I think what's the point? Am I just another one of the distractions in your life? I really wonder what you're running away from. Am I just someone you can fall back on? Do you really think I'll be here to catch you? So I'm just the safety net for your forced foray into the forest? Of course it would only make sense, knowing my life. The more I get to know you, the more I think that you don't seem like that kind of person. But what do I know? Fuck you and your easy words. Is this what it feels like to deal with me? Probably. I don't want to take this for granted but sometimes, it's just so little to work with. Honestly. "You don't have the power to upset me. You don't matter enough to upset me." Sure, superficially it's light and fun and amusing. But is that it? Is that all this will ever amount to? I guess I appreciate the thought you put into bullshitting me. Do you even know what it means to have something that's real? I fucking wonder. Am I just being greedy? I just want more than this, I want something real, I want to feel security, I want to feel like I can believe you when you say things. I know intimacy is important but I'm beginning to think that that's all we've built here. Ironically, you were the one who said it was meaningless and wanted more. How can I invest in something and someone I have so little faith in?

if you're lonely,

why'd you say you're not lonely?

the unsatisfied eyeroll

is this just not enough for you?

I'll admit I'm bored of me

Adventure!!!! A surprisingly easy trip spending too much time together and going on a million different adventures from trying sashimi to staying at a different hotel to roaming the streets of HK to clubbing in China to trying new restaurants to taking the lift instead of the escalators to going from one balenciaga to another to macz breakfasts. Shopping way too little, eating way too much and generally escaping from our own separate realities.

If I don't believe in love

some days I find myself quite infatuated with you

and other days I find myself wondering,

what's the point?

I’m not frightened

"I’m not frightened of anything. The more I suffer, the more I love. Danger will only increase my love. It will sharpen it, forgive its vice."

- The Reader

love out of lust

Life just before my adventure with Justine back to the motherland, but more on that later. Maybe I'm still in the post-bliss (ish) of a good night but I am glad that nothing seems to have shifted in the time I was gone. Blame it on paranoia and a useless sim card I guess. I am starting to see that I need to stop letting my past hold me back. I find that I say "I'm normally blah-blah-blah kind of person" way too often these days. First of all, there is no normally. I have never been normal or been in normal situations. I can't even take a fucking bus without being attacked by H20 -.- Also, I am (trying) not (to be) the same person anymore. I have my crazy in check and I should keep it that way. I can't deny that you are slowly growing on me though. See that's the problem with distance, it really makes you realize how much a person means to you. Life without someone is either much better or much more boring. It took quite a while but by the time I missed it, I really missed it and I haven't actually felt that way in.. a good while. Hmm.

Sometimes these feelings can be so misleading