It's too important to stay the way it's been

My point exactly. I just don't like to think about it, so I run and distract myself for days on end. Wondering about other frivolous things, and then one day wake up lost and wandering. I said that I would fight this time.. and I will. I'm just having one of those moments of weaknesses when I just think, fuck this. To be fair, I often feel this way even when I'm not alone. It'll pass, like everything else does. As I walk the familiar roads we used to pass through everyday, I can't help but relive and visualize every fucking memory it's tainted with.. and there are literally, hundreds. An infinite number of memories and li(v)es. I've pretty much accepted that it will be a long time till I am completely 100% okay with this.. with everything, the good and the bad and the fucking frightening. But that is truly in my nature, as demonstrated by example number one. I know I said I would drop it but I simply can't. I try to, I really do. Though the thoughts have moved from wanting to know what it means to simply feeling like something's missing. Greeaat. I am fighting this time, I am. I can't say it's been a breeze but it hasn't been as dark as I had feared. This fear is in my own head I know. It's really not too bad, it's really not too bad.

But i know it's too late

I should have given you a reason to stay

Do you love someone?

I may not make it through the night

It's been a while. I wonder if it's just the post-alcohol blues that's getting me down. Maybe it's just the time of month again, sadly. Hurhur. It seems that I have really taken over thinking to a whole new level the past few weeks. In fact, it's beginning to make me feel like such a creep. And upon that revelation, proceed to think a lot about how I shouldn't be thinking about it anymore. Life. And so I won't. Time to drop it. I also think that perhaps it's really time to stop it. I would settle down if I had the chance, in a fucking heartbeat. I don't particularly want this life, I just might as well make it as easy as possible for myself. Oh well. I really really refuse to settle though... that fucking much anyway. Yeah, get a fucking grip. Honestly, it's watching you be this way that is making it so much more open to the idea of seclusion. It continues to surprise me how selfish anyone can get. It's especially disappointing coming from someone who was never like that? Hmm. Emotionally unstable and emotional unavailable, I might just fall into both categories. This ridiculous fight within myself only exists in my head. Except for the one that ironically, everyone knows about except for me -.- Not that I care about you, which is quite sad seeing how far we've come. Oh well. Anyway, back to what I can't leave behind. I always believe that if you're writing about how nothing it is, it's something. So, this is me saying it's nothing nothing nothing.

Wait,

They don't love you like I love you

Spillover

Time to accept it for what it is.

You're guaranteed to run this town

School's out! Last chance for everything. As I always like to say, like that la. Hurhur. Fun & games. Maybe it's just the lull after the peak but I am beginning to feel not so great, as always. Sometimes I really think the over thinking and meddling attributes to a lot of the down. Also cos I end up feeling the most excluded. Ironic. See, over think! Hurhur. Though this time ain't so bad I guess. It's like an internal battle in my head; my cons vs your cons. I guess it boils down to personal victory? Lame. Then again, maybe it's just cos feeling a little lonely today. It's really nothing to me anyway and I'd much rather admit that it's me than be exactly like everyone else. It always gets too hazy for me to see what the big deal is. Still, I want to pick your brain just so I know. Just you, not what I hear or what I'm supposed to hear. Just to know what goes on in there and how it views me, so I don't feel so fucking one-upped all the damn time. Oh well. Chalk this one up to life experiences, I guess. Hmm. I can't believe it's still on my mind but really, how can I forget it? The way it reduces me... still. Ugh. Does this mean I'm not as heartless as I suspected? But I'm supposed to be fucking heartless with you, the way you were with me. Except it's always you and never me. I actually wonder if it ever even crosses your mind. I wonder what it meant to you. Then I wonder, will I really never know? Fuck, I think so. I've missed it and now I miss it. Ugh, how I wish you aren't the way you are. The way you always disappear on me. The way you always fucking leave me wanting more. I'm not fallin' in love with you...

Too cold for you to keep her

Too hot for you to leave her

Cos you feel like paradise

I can't get it out of my mind, the way I just can't get out of bed. The holidays are here (ish) and I just feel fucking liberated. If only I wasn't so trapped in the idea of you.. but well, I guess I tried? The last few days have just seen me obsessing over this one thing I simply can't get over. What does it mean and why did you do it? And more importantly, what should/could I have done? Aaah life. I guess it's over and what not sooooo I'm sure I'll come to accept it.. eventually. Yup, this has past over think and bordered onto obsession. The sad bit is that I've come up with every excuse for myself and rejected them all. I desire everything about you and suddenly, everything just seems like a sign to me. From the universe. Haha this makes me feel really stupid but I just can't let it go, the way I just can't get it. Sad face. The stupidest part = the fucking smile on my face from just thinking about this. Nostalgia in its finest. HA can't believe I am going to have to live with this again. By this, I really mean myself. Oh well, I guess I should be used to this being unrequited. My life. Speaking of which, I just can't even deal right now. The fucking selfishness behind your supposedly pure and good intentions is really putting me off. I can't be normal because I really don't know what normal means with you. Honestly, I just want you to be okay and I never say that about anyone. And yet, you seem to fight to make me seem like I'm fucking heartless. Maybe I've really just accepted being alone so much that I feel that everything more than that seems.. pointless? Or perhaps I'm just really okay with my life in this moment. If only it was you though.. (omg)

Can you lie next to her
and give her your heart
as well as your body?

Tilt

The kind of girl you want so bad

it makes you sorry,

still you don't regret a single day

Girl, you don't gotta feel out of place

It's vajayjay day, first one in 4 years I'm a free bitch baby. Hurhur. And really, having a little too much fun. Or well, a lot too much fun. This year = girls. Ridiculous girl drama aside... LOL JKING that's not possible. This is not getting out of hand, it's just.. a few isolated incidences. This is why I can't forgive myself, cos I never learn. Although this time I swear it's different. Ugh to your hold over me, though I hope it doesn't show (lol). UGH. So I guess there really is such a thing as a little too comfortable? A lot too comfortable, more like. The worse part is I don't even think it's that bad, not morally but like.. emotionally? Kena out-slutted. This is kind of driving me insane and has left me sad and sore. Hurhur. I feel really manly nowadays. Change of plans. Who said I can't be gentlemanly? I might even be better off. I was so caught off guard but honestly I jumped at the chance. Okay, this is bordering on overthinking. On a side note, it's the last week of school and I do remember saying I would close my tongue piercing when poly ends. Seems I've gotten too attached to it, though it really gets me into too much fucking trouble. My hopes are so high...

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered

The one and only

"So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane."

You're not as brave as you were at the start

Story of my life, or lack of it. So much drama I can't even prioritize what to deal with first. I know I'm supposed to say "I have no time for your personal shit" but lately, it seems impossible. It scares me that I can't tell the truth from the drama anymore but it scares me more that it could really just be my fault. As usual. We're fighting a losing battle, but we're fighting anyway. And at the same time, these voices in my head they speak of nothing but the past. I guess this means I.. hate you? No, I don't and it kills me. It just kills me that it doesn't, it doesn't kill you at all. Fuck you and your fucking existence. I just realized all this while, I haven't been back to my old life and now that I am really truly plunged in it, it doesn't feel familiar at all. Not anymore. Still, I refuse to believe that I am beneath this. I will fucking fight for my sanity this time, even if it is only within myself. The chess board I have long abandoned displayed before me but it's just a mirror image, because it is truly the only thing I have left.

We lied,

We can't go on

Please don't cry, you liar

Suddenly,

I miss it all so fucking much

There's no blame

for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone,
it's like it wasn't there at all

99 problems but the bitch ain't one

Back to the basics, though really what is that anymore. Honestly, it was just such a comfortable, nostalgic week that made me realize that everything is fake. From the beginning of this, I always said I'd never buy into this fucking bullshit and for completely losing sight, I am fucking disappointed in myself. To be said, a lot of what I had gained from way back when, also fake. Fake life vs ridiculous girl drama. And in the midst of the chaos, I have decided to take a step back, release the emotions and just accept it. Don't want to be friends? Then just don't try. Want to be friends? Then I'm truly sorry I haven't called. Can't be friends? It'll be sad but I'll understand. Can't make up your mind? Well honestly honey, I don't give a fuck. Maybe I just don't make good life decisions. Then again, once again, no one really gives you a chance to change. Oh well. At the end of the day, I am, like everybody else is, alone and I've really come to enjoy it. Like a darling friend said "You know you're not alone, you just feel like you are". I know that in the past year, I've lost sight of what it means to be someone like me. The past few weeks especially have seen me keeping most of my thoughts to myself and I think that that is the best option for me, again. Seems that trust has been used too loosely anyway. The truth is, there is no such thing as a dependable person, the same way you cannot be somebody else's dependable person. And there's no such thing as being responsible for someone else, especially if you can't even be responsible for yourself. And that brings me to the topic of forgiveness, which I recently learnt is something I might never possess. Clemency, ironically. "I'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told". One person pops to mind, second only to the lack of forgiveness I allow myself. Funny thing is, I still imagine what you would say to me in that god awful voice of yours every time I desperately need advice. And it's disturbingly comforting but I don't care. Suffice to say, it's been an interesting week. Disappointment I think I needed to knock sense into me, to prove to me that I've gotten too emotionally attached to worthless things other than the only person that truly matters. And right this instant, I just feel fucking invincible.

Forgiveness.

But it was not your fault but mine,

And it was your heart on the line

Let's just say

I need all the friends I can get

Do you remember?

#700. The placebo effect. The more I think about it, the more I see. Or well, fail to see. Oh dear me, I seem to have a problem. *cue appropriate Maroon 5 song. I don't know why I pretend I am not secretly really.. just a girl. Ugh. Life. Just a little misplaced affection, I'm sure. Facebook ruins lives. Just sayin'. Moving on to bigger things (yeah right), it's back to where it all began! I have a fabulous reputation, which I seem to be keeping up. *sarcasm. Unconsciously.. literally. Jeez, I really need to turn my fucking life around. Anyway, back to where we all began. Comfort and nostalgia and cramps rolled into one lovely, chilled out day. And yet, the nagging sense of emptiness tagged along behind me, lingering. Oh how fun it would've been, I thought. Followed by the dangerous question I always ask myself, in between the ridiculous narrations in my head. That time I hated you and that time we saw the monster. Really, Abigail. And the way it is now. This can't be the start if it's past the end. Way past. Hmm, getting a little candid here. I hate feeling excluded but I pick fights, I really do. Thus, when push comes to shove, fingers always point in my direction. And I don't even blame them. I need to get over this.

I've been thinking about you

and how it used to be then

I'm not saying I'm free from blame

Can't you see that you are leading her on?

You are feeling listless

The people are tired and commitment has gone

To this, I’ve been a witness