I'd hate to be you

I know I was out of line. The most hard hitting thing I've heard this week: "You're more important". I am? I can't remember what it's like anymore. I can't believe I didn't even see how I had forgotten myself. One more month, that's all I have. I see the transitions already, I see everything moving along. No longer about me, if it ever was. Just your usual words and thoughts and everything else that encompasses what little you are. Sigh. Blank and bleak. This week was an emotional rampage. On hindsight, it makes me realize that I must be a fucking handful to deal with. A violent anger except I felt no security whatsoever. Amazing. Why is it always the same thing. Except....... well. Hmm. It's tried and tired and frankly, I'm tired. Always, tired. It's like I'm sitting at a desk, fiddling with a round snow globe. And I've been rolling it around and shaking it at whim. And now on impulse I've tossed it in the air, watching as its insides explodes into a flurry of white.. a manic awakening. And I'm just waiting to see what happens when it hits the ground. Clearly, I've been living for too long in my own head.

And we both go down together,

We'd stay there forever

#700

Till now, I always got by on my own

I never really cared until I met you

And now it chills me to the bone.

Why'd you say you're not lonely?

But you're not

I didn't mean to break your heart

Slit here. Not surprisingly, I am not doing as well as I had hoped. One grade down, about twenty million to go. Fuck this. Why is there so much talk and hype around school or more aptly (hopefully) future school if I already hate it so fucking much as it is? It's ridiculous how quickly I am growing up. This year was just the fucking worst. It's all ending.. personal deadlines approaching. One and a half more months and yet I know I am no better off now than I was months ago. In fact, it's gotten so buried and has broken in so deep in that I feel nothing of it anymore.... Lies. God, I'm fucking pathetic. I can't escape any of this. I am afraid to think, afraid to look.. and in my own fucking domain. This is fucking shameful. And even as I sit in self-loathing, I am still on the pedestal below yours. Still making excuses for these actions; I actually believe that you were being the hero. Oh life and it's infinite devastation. My god, who am I even talking to? I am losing my fucking mind. On a much lighter note, I am beginning to think that there is no such thing as "I am okay with being alone". Maybe I am just the only one who's honest about being fucking terrified. Hmm. I assume what I want to believe. This is happening waaay too often. Suddenly I feel like I have no where to go.

I'll let it pass and hold my tongue

Plugged in and ready to fall

Mostly. Why is there doubt that I am always right? Especially since I've petty much seen this bullshit before. God, I fucking hate these things. It doesn't matter where it is anymore because I've already seen it. Now... where have I heard that before? Sigh. This week seemed epic on so many fronts. To be fair, I always do these things to these people as well. Like turn to you when things get dark even if we're not close anymore. Still, it surprises me when the tables are turned like this. Intimacy over closeness? Not surprising however, is your disappearance. The most irresponsible one to date. Now I'm left hanging again, wondering. Wandering. And these words strung together to make me think that maybe.. just maybe. But my words as well, crafted in my head. It's all part of this mindfuck I have created for myself; a cosy island of nothing to live on while waiting for reality to take me. Yes... still. I feel like I'm always saying that. Hmm. Except this time it's not just my words or yours. I don't know who you think you are to say these things I assume are about what I assume they are. Or maybe I don't want to believe I am no longer the only one. Fuck. I should just keep myself on this island. Living is easy with eyes closed. Except it really isn't all that easy at all. I'm scared to think about what I would be without it. Moving on. The one night when we talked about everything yet nothing at all made me realize (again) how long it's been. It always boils down to circumstances and distances. Life-wise: Everything else just seems.. stale. Like I feel nothing but physical exhaustion. And the dull air that circulates in and out of me. And these endless thoughts. But who's fault is that?

If Columbus was wrong,

I'd drive straight off the edge

People make mistakes to make up, to break up, to wake up

cold and lonely.

You've got your gun to my head

Why the fuck do you do this to me?

Even if you're not.

A long way from home

Yet again. Cramping like a bean. Not sure why they've gotten so bad seeing as I hardly do anything to aggravate it. Hardly. On yet another emotional ride, I find that I am still mostly alone. Alone but not alone together. Hmm. This week saw yet another incredibly insightful coffee talk with the skinny one. Everything I've left out has stayed inside me and has left me worried that the more buried it is, the more it would manifest into something I'll have to live with. Not live with the way I do now, passing thoughts and a couple of dreams, but live with meaning accepting what it is now. Life. On hindsight, I wonder if I really took it all for granted and it's pushing me to not do that now but it feels like there isn't much to not take. Sigh. I hate school. Everything from the overbearing people to the lame work. It's not too much to handle (depending on who you are anyway) it's just.. stupid. As always. This week also saw me threading on dangerous grounds... are they still considered dangerous? Not really. To be honest, I don't feel anything but your venomous words. Don't be surprised, I am really not above much. And yet I still think I am better than everybody. I'd like to think such honesty is enduring. Hurrhurr. On a lighter note, the year end is quickly approaching and everything is ending.

Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
until you died?

Even broken hearts may have their doubts

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight

So it seems we're back to this again. Except it seems so much more real this time. Maybe it's the sudden lack of confirmation that I am not alone in this. This nightmare. "Pfft I don't need friends.. I have my dreams." LOL. This black hole in my head, it seems.. infinite. Like everything I had believed. Oh well. Nothingness of nothing in nothing with nothing for nothing. The deeper I bury it, the darker it gets. Such is the epicness of my life. It's sad that on one hand I am now a closer friend to someone I was never as close to, than I am now to you. The circle of three. But since we're on that, it's so typical of you to come and go as you please. Maybe it's my own fault because I never let anything go and I always think it's more than what it just is. Well. And on the other other hand, I feel like it is getting far too difficult. This distance does nothing for me. Fuck school and Stoppress. And fuck people slashing people. Everything makes me nervous nowadays. I think I need just a little bit more.

In the mornings I sleep alone,

Sweep the streets I used to own

Sorely

Don't forget me,

please don't forget me,

make it easy on me just for a little while.

So you think you can tell heaven from hell?

It still painfully devastates me.

So I can push you off me

The epic clearance. I honestly have not thrown anything away in the last three years. At all. And now it's literally empty. I forgot how big this room is and how lonely it gets on quiet nights. Life of a hoarder. I let nothing go.. nothing. This week I have spent mostly alone, except for the night we did nothing and it felt so fresh that it made me wonder when was the last time I felt connected to anyone, especially you. Void of expectations and judgement and boundaries and regrets. And how I've missed you and that. Do I force you to love me the way I want you to? Hmm. School has taken a backseat to worrying about my future. I always get so ahead of myself. Everything feels so near and yet literally so fucking far. I just want to stay where I am. Is it really too much to ask? Sometimes I think that I think I deserve more than I do. But then I always think: "Naah I do deserve more". My head is huge, if only I knew how to use it. These prospects seem so fucking bleak that it hurts me. If I don't get out of this mood soon, it'll just go downhill from here.

Tell me how ugly I am

but that you'll always love me

Waiting for the day they feel good

When nothing is worth it
and everything is wrong
and you're lying alone in the stillness
of an empty room
that's when you know
it'll never be okay

Baby, I'm afraid of you

Precisely. Quiet days like this one spent mostly by myself are surprisingly not so bad. Like my mother said: "School's good for you, you'll have less time to be depressed." Every thing's the same yet completely fucking different. For one, I feel a lot less comfortable. In general, it has also gotten to a point where I am only at ease when I am with myself simply cos it's easier (get it get it). I have a social problem but it's not new. Not to mention the rapidly disappearing slew of friends but I've just come to accept that. Our silence is so uncomfortable and fucking painful and yet it's always present. Is it really a nature thing or is it really just the (lack of) dynamics? I can't seem to wrap my mind around it.. or maybe I'm just so fucking scared to. Is what you need always what you want? I feel like I'm not desperate enough. I feel so much simpler nowadays.. but I know it also means I am a lot less fulfilled on an emotional level. And yet I don't feel lonely. Companionship used to mean everything to me. I am painfully neutral about all of this. Not to mention, really quite confused. What are we talking about again?

I'm so glad you have a one-tracked mind

like me