Control your poison babe

I am not self-satisfied.

I need a new set of everything.

Morals, principles, attitude, peers.

Sad to say.

There must be change,

And I'm okay with that.

I love this record baby,

But I can't see straight anymore.

Now that it's all said and done

Cos I felt like being weird.

The constant battle that you hate to fight

I'll keep you locked in my head

So as I let my ipod dictate the way I feel on the bumpy ride home I reflect and succumb to my thoughts. For some reason I feel like I am drowning in people and I don't mean it all so literally. Perhaps I just need some space but hey I've been very space-y(Haha) of late, so I can't quite figure out what it is that is triggering this feeling. The feeling of being, excuse my crudeness, constantly gnawed at (metaphorically of course). Like every tiny action word or guffaw, mostly insignificant, plain pisses the fuck out of me. Especially the past few days, I have been overreacting to small things like laughing me off or never shutting up. Queer. Then someone said something and all of a sudden everything started crashing down on me and I realized that I am trapped.. in a box. Hahaha. I am trapped by everyone's sudden expectation of me to be someone I am not, to have a certain characteristic they were once fooled into believing I ever freaking had, to be emotionless. Fuck the world man, everything is moving so fucking fast I don't even know who I am half the time and out of nowhere everyone presumes I am who I was years ago? Lately I feel like every time I blink, I am in a different place, a different time, a different person. Then out of the blue everyone's expectations, perceptions and severe lack of empathy is trapping and surrounding me into a fucking box. Like what the fuck? I don't even necessarily like boxes. Maybe what I need.. is to be alone forever! Seeing as quite frankly some of my friends are really non-friends anyway. Hahaha. Shucks. This is not an emo post this is a huh-what-the-fuck-is-going-on post, goodnight. Oh and I need to find something to do this weekend. *scowl.

Don't look up, just let them think

There's no place else you'd rather be.

What are you doing right this instant?

Here we go again.

I hate this part right here.

Things have changed but they're still the same

You looked right through me, we were miles away.

Twelve of my favorite photos from Friday, Sonia you are fucking disgusting. Agyness Deyn on the other hand is way too hot to be straight. Hahaha. I am actually feeling rather content at the moment and don't quite feel the burning desire to sort out my thoughts but what the heck, I don't have much else to do. Since I am the only chinese one, this weekend will be rather dull. But it might not be too horrible. I'm thinking i'd take an ironic trip to Chinatown on Monday and or use the time to clear things up and get it out of the way. Or.. maybe not do any of that. Haha. I guess I just feel like some alone time, or maybe just some space. So anyway school will soon be in full swing and I'm somewhat looking forward to that. I'm too free now, really. Hung with D and chEW on Friday, impulsive compulsive as per always! Buu just called so yay, she's not dead. Hahaha. Oh and I won! HA. It's always weird to see one's friend in a position you used to be in and be able to dictate to her what's right and wrong when you used to be as at a loss yourself. Did that make any sense? Lately I feel like all I've been doing is condoning in hypocrisy. I used to want the best for you and everything that you did and now I could care less. Or maybe I actually secretly do but am pretending not to. Often I reflect and wonder what exactly went wrong with us and I guess the only real answer is that it was never right.

If you loved me,

Why'd you let me go?

I guess we're at our best when we're miles away

"Change, we don't like it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here's the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same."

I thought I knew you so well

You sure have changed since yesterday

So we gather, normally over coffee free or otherwise (Bend low bitch), we sit around enjoy the company, enjoy the atmosphere and how could we forget, the view(!) Then the night turns and I fade out a bit, get a tad quiet. Or when a comment lingers dangerously at the table coupled with uncomfortable silence and the mutual understanding of the unintended effect. That's right about when everyone asks the ever-redundant question "Are you okay?" or my personal favorite, "Oh Bi.." paired with a quiet sigh and the distinctive look of concern, pity and quite frankly exasperation in their eyes. To which I'd normally reply politely that I'm fine and we'd be on our merry way. I am fine, really. Lately I've just been.. troubled, but mostly by superficial and frivolous thoughts like what to wear to school or whose going where with me when. My mind has been in an awful clutter ever since the prospect of school starting rearing it's ugly head. It's screwing with my mind I say! But hey, it's a completely different yet somehow exactly the same experience. Old friends, new problems, anti-socialism and school food! Hahaha. What a random random train of thought. See I warned you about the clutter!

Sappy pathetic little me,

That was the girl I used to be,

You had me on my knees.

What I don't know won't break my heart

In the midst of everything,

I honestly don't give a flying fuck.

I don't know how you can't see that.

Ignorance is bliss.

And I wish that you would just

Shut up.

I wish we could switch up the roles,

And I could be that.

My life is a competition and I only win with material goods.

I already know what my addiction is.

So I am back, I have survived the Melamine! Haha. I will post the photos soon when I am feeling less..space-y. Well, let's see. "Labels or Love" pretty much soundtracked my brave journey across the sea, battling emotional hiccups and everything else in between, all alone at that! Haha. I really am lucky and very grateful for all the everything I get to do and spend. Throughout the trip I realised that I am indeed an exact replica of my father and well I'm quite okay with that. My third trip there and I am still loving every bit Hong Kong has to offer! Only downside was perhaps that I got pick-pocketed but all's good. Plastic and gum is decidedly a lot messier than it sounds! Oh and this time I realised that every other couple is gay and that..amused me. Hahaha. Not forgetting throughout the trip I have been having rather.. queer dreams, only to wake up, look around and have it hit me that some dreams come true. Though their not always the ones that leave us.. content, to severely understate it. Haha. I have a lot of new things. SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW OH MY GOD. Actually it's only one hour so..whatever. Hahaha!

A little voice inside my head said,

Don't look back,

You can never look back

You'll never see what you've done to me

When I get back,

Everything will be different.

Everything will be exactly the same.

Truth be told, I'll miss you.

Truth be told, I'm lying.

I wanted us to be always

You think I'm fly, don't cha?

Haha. I am running away tomorrow and never coming back. Gosh I still have yet to pack! Or mentally prepare myself for the plane trip alone, which might prove to be scarier than I had imagined. My thoughts are in a jumble. I have so much dread. School is an issue, it needs to die. I feel like I have been orphaned what with my responsible parent being non-existent on this island. I could have died on the streets of Changi last night and no one cared. Creeping home just before the crack of dawn was essentially useless, I might as well have paraded in reeking of the pleasant scent of chalets and it wouldn't have made a difference. Pffft. I don't want school to start. Please don't make me turn seventeen. I am so fucking broke, where the fuck has all my fucking money gone?! ROAR. I won't be sporting metal for the next four days. It feels empty, so much change.... What were we talking about again?

Now you'll never see,

What you've done to me.

You can take back your memories,

They're no good to me.

Close my eyes and wonder what it's like

I don't want to regret not living out every second of my youth. 

Then again,

I don't want to regret screwing up my life trying to live.

These confusing thoughts are running through my mind,

Because school is starting in a week

And my holidays are over.

I feel different.

I've lost my place,

I'm close behind.

You did this to me

"You know, there's a girl who literally has a shard of glass in her heart"

Secretly.

Every other morning it's your face that I miss

Nothing lasts forever.

Especially not temporary jobs! Goodbye mid-range priced clothing outlet and the dread it brought! Still, not a bad stint on the whole I suppose. Honestly it isn't as terrible as I make it out to be, but then again maybe it's cos I'm finally free! Haha. Payday is less than a day away and I'm just itching for the rest of my life back though I'm not sure how that's looking anymore. Oh and after months and months I finally cut my hair. Symbolic? Let's fucking hope so. Anyway the two morons are off in Malaysia and have left me here alone to fantasize about getting kidney stones in my motherland. I'm starting to get excited about going again, perhaps cos there's nothing but school to look forward to. Oh the complete and utter joy. The dread I feel towards returning to the institution is really directed at the social aspect more than the technical what-nots. Roar. There's still time though, there's still time. I'm fine.

Burn another bridge,

Break another heart. 

You try again

And it will only fall apart.

Completely numb, I felt no satisfaction

It's in your eyes,

I can tell what you're thinking.

My heart is sinking too.

It's no surprise,

I've been watching you lately,

I want to make it with you.

Can you get up off the ground?

The state I'm in.

I stopped thinking about a fortnight ago. Stopped analyzing, stopped reflecting, stopped antagonizing my mind with memories. Everything is strangely calm and yet I secretly know that it isn't concrete, so it's difficult to tell if I am taking comfort in that or not. In fact I think I stopped feeling any kind of deep-rooted negative emotion. I have filled the gaping hole with stuff without substance, with superficial thoughts and temporary remedies. So essentially I am shoving everything aside. I don't think of anything remotely sad, I don't think of my heartaches, I don't think of my scars both physical and emotional, I don't think of the extent of the damage. I block everything out. So everything will be fine and dandy till I remember to my dismay, that I am only human and that I am drowning in everything.

I don't wanna talk about it,

How you broke my heart.

I wanna make up right now

Those who run seem to have all the fun.

Here we go again, another month down. Another month further from everything, another month closer to nothing. But heck what a month, even I'd admit. Stabbed a needle through my tongue, almost starving to death the next few days, got my first real job, one drunk night too many, consequences, ignoring, almost falling asleep in a pub, endless nights at Siglap with eyecandy, "MOTHERFUCK", being attacked by a grasshopper(!), a new blog, shopping sprees and a not-so-chance encounter which pretty much resulted in "DIN, FIX IT!". Waking up at 1 everyday and making the best (and worst) of my holidays doing nothing particularly productive. As I said, meaningless. Right now October's forecast looks just as trivial. Hong Kong for a tad then it's delving right back into the horrors of school. October will end horrendously though, that one I can quite guarantee. 

I'm not loving you,

That way I wanted to.

You lose.