beside me till I'm dead

And of course, I am going crazy again. I don't even care anymore. I write because it helps me. It helps me clarify my thoughts and express my feelings and all that crap. And let's be honest, it's not as if anything I have said about the way I feel isn't already common knowledge.. I don't even care who knows and who reads cos how I feel is how I feel, what's the point of pretending I don't still feel these ridiculous things? I'm tired now. It's still here, the ghost of my past lingering at the back of my mind, the back of my eyelids, the empty space next to me. I miss you. I'm crazy. I'm sorry.. it's just the way that it is. If I could somehow find a way to not feel this way, don't you think I would already have? Yes, I am aware of the ridiculously long time it has been. It's just that boys, they come and they go but I still feel the same way I've felt since the day you left. I've done all that I can to make it go away but all I've learnt is to not feel sorry for myself every waking moment of every day. It's too difficult without you, it really is. I don't even care that it may not make sense. I don't expect you to still feel this way, I'm not that stupid. That's not what fucks me up though, no. Nothing breaks my heart more than wondering why you did this to me.. wondering why would you completely ruin me like that. Because you really have. You were/are truly the best thing that has happened to me. Yes, my life is much better now.. but it never feels complete. The expensive things and the nights and the restaurants and the boys.. yeah sure, I'm in love with all these things but it doesn't mean enough. Let it be known that I actually feel this way almost all the time, not just when its triggered by a chance encounter or when I'm bored or whatever. Maybe I've been wrong all this time, that this goddamn asshole that I fucking hate isn't my karma.. but this. This ache, this misery, this endless yearning.


I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you.