lock you out, shut me in

First semester down and we're another 9 thousand dollars in. That was fast. A semi-fabulous weekend left me feeling surprisingly old and stale. Perhaps I've lived too hard and fast in my youth a la this piece and am reeling from the days when things hotly burned. Or maybe its cos I am lacking the one element that made me feel vivacious, capricious and well, batshit crazy. If I could contain my youth in one tangible form for sake of argument, it would be in you (alright, so maybe I'm still a little crazy). I think my need for true adventure went out the door when you did, leaving me riding on misplaced recklessness which has since fizzled out. I don't want it to be this way, regretting things I could've done in the pursuit of... nothing. Ironically, I feel that I take life a lot less seriously now than I did when I was younger. Yet it seems I do a lot less stupid things. It's not so much that I've grown out of it.. I don't know what I'm craving for. For example, tickets for my great overseas adventure have been booked and set in stone and I am not excited at all. Nope. Nothing here but crippling anxiety. Have I always been this safe? Sigh. The more time passes, the more I begin to doubt his devotion to me. I realize he believes I'm in love with him as much as I believe he is with me. We're just two fools. Maybe it's just me. I find that I have been incapacitated by insecurities lately, stemming mostly from the fact that I no longer feel close to anybody. 

They can't hurt him

if they can't see him

nothing really matters

I'm fucking scared of growing old.. especially if it's without you.

it's all for you

My life was never more real or more worth living than when I was with you.

all the wax was melting on the trees

“He looked at me like I was crazy. Most of my lovers do, and that’s partly why they love me, and partly why they leave.”

a fail to kiss is a fail to cope

For some reason, I feel that are things beginning to unravel in my mind. I fear that I may be going crazy again. Pockets of paranoia sneak up on me at unexpected times about every little thing: a stranger, things that could have been, things that maybe were. You and I both know that people are nothing short of disappointments. As are you. As am I. That's just how life is. Yet ironically, nothing is quite as bothersome as the feeling of being left out by said group of people. These things are too much to bear. I guess you can say I've never regretted doing anything more than if I didn't. Nope, that's really not true at all. Right now, I feel caved under a deadweight. Did that make sense? Could simply be me being absolutely drained from todays paper (motherfucking austerity). Or it could be that the darkness has begun again. Suddenly, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself anymore. It's almost as if I've forgotten what it truly means to live, to love and to be loved.

Hold me close
cos I need you to guide me to safety

I am both happy and sad

Can I just say that this movie was truly magnificent; best book-to-movie adaptation. The book had always meant so much to me and watching the movie really evoked a lot of memories for me and the times we ourselves were infinite. Or so I had thought. Nothing of similar stature will ever be said about the loser sitting next to me though but such is life I suppose. As expected, the night took a turn for the worse. What he doesn't understand about my reluctance to be in social situations with him is that to me, his behavior is the fucking epitome of an extremely small person trying too hard to look like somebody, anybody. Every calculated move he makes and the obnoxious way he talks and the lame shit he says.. it fucking reeks of desperation for approval and it fucking makes my skin crawl. Back then, we limit our interactions to just to two of us so I can try to overlook that side of him (and its damn difficult) because honestly, I truly find the way he interacts and behaves in his "social life" (cue eye roll) extremely fucking unattractive. I fucking hate him enough as it is when its just us without having to be put through that. Oh god. I can't even. If anyone is reading this and wondering why I put myself through this, my only defense is that it was actually unintended. I know it's stupid to act as if I can ignore the fact that I honestly hate the hell out of him.. it's sort of a double edge sword when it comes to physical gratification. Meh. After that night the fears I had of moving overseas and being forgotten were absolved. Now I fucking pray it happens so I can finally leave this crap behind. I'm so fucking done here. I don't want to anymore, it's just I get really bored sometimes. Moving on. I've been thinking a lot about people lately and how we perceive them to be, by people of course I mean boys. Strangely every time I try to pen down my thoughts, the words always seem to flow towards you. Maybe it's just the way I see you now; in my head the way I want you to be. I try to keep a realistic idea of the situation but as luck has it, I have a tendency to romanticize the past. I hope you know that somehow through the flurry of life and the still of the nights, I rarely feel alone because I am always accompanied by my thoughts of you. Yeah that sounded creepier than expected. When I have an odd thought, I'm comforted by the thought that in the alternate universe where we're still us (in the most innocent sense of the word), you probably would've understood. Basically what I'm saying is that I'm really truly crazy.


if only angels could prevail,
we'd be the way we were

we accept the love

Today while watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower, the adaption of a book that means so much to me, I looked over at the person next to me and thought: this was not what I wanted, this is not how my life should be and this is definitely not what I deserve. How do I get out?

I've got a war in my mind

Today I got a feeling that left a bad taste in my mouth. Why do we try so hard to maintain our image? Who exactly are we trying to convince of what? To me, the coolest people are the ones who are fucking mysterious. The irony, huh. I think you would've understood.

you were young and I was sad

Nothing feels certain nowadays. Last weekend was.. eventful to say the least. Much more interesting than this one spent studying. Where to begin... It's just too difficult to be a girl, even if it's a bro-girl like I believe I am. It's not that girls are "always at the losing end" as my parents would put it (cue eye roll) but because we tend to place more importance in things than boys do. For example, I am perhaps the worst kind of girl there is but deep down, lots of things (ie boys) matter to me. Even if it's in the smallest possible way. A much needed girls night really showed me that I am probably no more of a boy than any one else is, whatever that means. On one hand, I do admire when people love more than they should because I don't feel capable of that (until it's too late of course ha ha) at this age. But on the other hand, I question the point of it all. Maybe I'm too jaded for my own good but nowadays, I just don't see the value in loving somebody. Life is hard enough as it is without having the burden of love and slavery or worse, heartbreak. When you're young, life moves too fast for anything to catch up. The last three years went by in a flash and I obviously still feel the way I do. While it is often unbearable, I also find a strange comfort in the way I adore you. Oh well. Lately, it seems that the weirdest mix of people have been jumbled up in my mind. I don't want to anger myself tryna write about how much I hate him so I shall just say that although most of the time he's truly infuriating, I'm always consoled by the thought of his obsession. #psychoexgf. For a moment there, I almost typed loyalty but one can't ever be certain about that. If I catch him, this motherfucker is dead. #psychoexgf. Moving on. People have been on my mind for no reason lately.Clearly, I'm still too young to be making and regretting rational decisions.. MEH.


Keep my trousers, stay in bed and read the good things,
I'm afraid, now you're lonely

while the world spins madly on

beside me till I'm dead

And of course, I am going crazy again. I don't even care anymore. I write because it helps me. It helps me clarify my thoughts and express my feelings and all that crap. And let's be honest, it's not as if anything I have said about the way I feel isn't already common knowledge.. I don't even care who knows and who reads cos how I feel is how I feel, what's the point of pretending I don't still feel these ridiculous things? I'm tired now. It's still here, the ghost of my past lingering at the back of my mind, the back of my eyelids, the empty space next to me. I miss you. I'm crazy. I'm sorry.. it's just the way that it is. If I could somehow find a way to not feel this way, don't you think I would already have? Yes, I am aware of the ridiculously long time it has been. It's just that boys, they come and they go but I still feel the same way I've felt since the day you left. I've done all that I can to make it go away but all I've learnt is to not feel sorry for myself every waking moment of every day. It's too difficult without you, it really is. I don't even care that it may not make sense. I don't expect you to still feel this way, I'm not that stupid. That's not what fucks me up though, no. Nothing breaks my heart more than wondering why you did this to me.. wondering why would you completely ruin me like that. Because you really have. You were/are truly the best thing that has happened to me. Yes, my life is much better now.. but it never feels complete. The expensive things and the nights and the restaurants and the boys.. yeah sure, I'm in love with all these things but it doesn't mean enough. Let it be known that I actually feel this way almost all the time, not just when its triggered by a chance encounter or when I'm bored or whatever. Maybe I've been wrong all this time, that this goddamn asshole that I fucking hate isn't my karma.. but this. This ache, this misery, this endless yearning.


I'll make it all up for you,
I'm still in love with you,
I'm still in love with you.

#life

I'll never stop loving you

Maybe next year I'll have no time
To think about the questions to address

somebody found me here

September, as usual, did not go out well. Quite a far cry from last year's blow out, though now that I think about it... is quite ironic, Latern-wise. Heh. Suddenly stricken with gastric flu, I spent the last weekend sleeping and intermittently throwing up. Lying in bed with my tummy churning on end, the rumblings echoing my misbehavior. Blissful. The bright side is that I finally caught up on sleep and it did finally feel like I got a break from school and life, though at what cost. Progress on the education front is moving too slowly for someone who's having exams in like two weeks. MEH. Also, it seems like every day I have three million errands to run. Social interaction on weekdays are limited to the end of the week, when I feel I've been cooped up too long and itch for companionship.. or more like, when I get worried that I forget how to talk or hold conversations. Sometimes, I wish I was strong enough to be the kind of person who can stay in to study without feeling like a loser. I'm just not secure enough in that sense, which is why I've realized now that I need to be with somebody, if ever, who is down-to-earth enough to keep me on my feet. But then again, I just like the next one to be a complete opposite of the previous one. Ha. The thing is I'm the kind of person whose life is fast-paced. Mostly because like three million unfortunate things are always happening to me, but also because of my ridiculous personality always finds me in tight situations. And right now I almost feel like my life is a little out of control, like there are twelve million things to do, to keep in view or to avoid and I just can't seem to put it all into perspective. Probably because I don't obsess about boys as much now (miraculously) so I'm actually dealing with real life problems. Ish.


Somebody held my breath,
somebody saved me from the world you left