Life of a bum. I wish I could say I use the future to escape the present, but I don't. When the hot topic question arises, I press my lips together and meekly answer that I still haven't decided. How embarrassing. I can't be the person to squander my time and youth, but I am really caught in quite a dilemma. This life of a bum thing is really showing me that I really lack discipline nowadays, it's horrible. From small things to constantly being late to not being able to commit to things to not wearing a bra, I really feel like I am getting to be a bit of a mess again. But never as much as you of course, fucking coward. This chinese guilt thing is also getting to me (though I am going anyway). Reflects a lot on my character; what's the point of feeling so horrible about things but doing it anyway? Kase in point. Last night saw dreams imitating real life, circa 2009. Could've been the wine or just the constant moral battle I have within myself... but I live it anyway. See. Having said that, I also battle myself on whether or not I should enjoy myself in the present. On one hand, the most consistent thing you've ever said is I don't lie and you (and your posse of douches) do deserve the mockery, kid. On the other hand, you do seem decent enough (ish) and I myself want to enjoy the highs of a fresh relation, although I am getting slightly bored already. "Just make sure it doesn't boomerang around and hit you in the face" Hmm. Am I really too cautious/mistrustful? I do love that you're so carefree (does that mean you don't care?) especially when I hear others regale tales about possessiveness or neediness. Only time will tell I reckon.
this heart will never be yours
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