meaningless

It's just like you to come and go

And know me, no you don't even know me

You're so sweet to try, oh my, you caught my eye

you use the future to escape the present

Life of a bum. I wish I could say I use the future to escape the present, but I don't. When the hot topic question arises, I press my lips together and meekly answer that I still haven't decided. How embarrassing. I can't be the person to squander my time and youth, but I am really caught in quite a dilemma. This life of a bum thing is really showing me that I really lack discipline nowadays, it's horrible. From small things to constantly being late to not being able to commit to things to not wearing a bra, I really feel like I am getting to be a bit of a mess again. But never as much as you of course, fucking coward. This chinese guilt thing is also getting to me (though I am going anyway). Reflects a lot on my character; what's the point of feeling so horrible about things but doing it anyway? Kase in point. Last night saw dreams imitating real life, circa 2009. Could've been the wine or just the constant moral battle I have within myself... but I live it anyway. See. Having said that, I also battle myself on whether or not I should enjoy myself in the present. On one hand, the most consistent thing you've ever said is I don't lie and you (and your posse of douches) do deserve the mockery, kid. On the other hand, you do seem decent enough (ish) and I myself want to enjoy the highs of a fresh relation, although I am getting slightly bored already. "Just make sure it doesn't boomerang around and hit you in the face" Hmm. Am I really too cautious/mistrustful? I do love that you're so carefree (does that mean you don't care?) especially when I hear others regale tales about possessiveness or neediness. Only time will tell I reckon.

this heart will never be yours

Sunday's best

I find myself really enjoying these new experiences and all the new things I am learning through and about you.

down and vulnerable

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before

Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all

who are you to make me feel so good?

As you can see, it truly has been a string of lovely days. On one hand, I really do need to learn to be a better person because my luck seems to be running out, ever since that backfired on me (get it get it). Definitely my own mistake (I'm just roaming around like a lost... well.) but it bruised my ego more than anything. Still, I'm having a really nice time really between the girls and the boy. Except for the frustration but I've really got to learn self-control anyway. Speaking of which, fuck you you're the heartless one. Tsk. This week saw a lot of reminiscing about the past, my own to be exact. Well, actually ours, ironically. I am a pervy old man. ): I realized that I am endlessly fascinated by relationships, albeit really quite faithless. Circle of life and all that. I see it happening simply because 1) these things always happen to me 2) it's too ironic for it not to happen. Well. I guess only time will tell. Anyway, back to other disappointments. I know it's none of my business but it really made me so sad just to hear it. I never thought you were capable of that, the same way I truly did believe I wasn't capable of it myself. Which then makes me question other people's capabilities to do so. And watching Closer didn't really help. I've always been fascinated by how attraction works and why people are attracted to others. The way I was so attracted to you the moment I laid eyes on you. I wonder what it is; I hate to admit this but to me you really are quite magnetic. Fate, I guess. How corny is that. Though it seems barely enough at the moment, I worry about when I finally lose it. But for now, yeah?

Who am I to say I'm always yours?

it's not me, it's you

This will never be enough simply cos

you don't give me enough

succubus

You want them when they don't want you

Soon as they do, feelings change

it still makes me so sad

"Once upon a time, there was a Candy and Dan... Things were very hot that year... All the wax was melting on the trees... He would climb balconies, climb everywhere. Do anything for her... Oh Danny boy. Thousands of birds. The tiniest birds adorned her hair... Everything was golden... One night the bed caught fire... He was handsome, and a very good criminal... We lived on sunlight and chocolate bars... It was the afternoon of extravagant delight... Danny, the Daredevil... Candy went missing... The day's last rays of sunshine cruise like sharks..."I wanna try it your way this time!" You came into my life really fast, and I liked it. We squelched in the mud of our joy. I was wet thighed with the surrender... Then there was a gap in things... And the whole earth tilted... This is the business. This is what we're after. With you inside me... Comes the hatch of death..."

won't make a scene over you

As I continue to fester in my feverish state, I find myself with too much time on my hands. Other than this intense heat, the random sharp pains in my joints are really fucking bothering me. And I have this terrible paranoia, fueled by my access to google and having a billion lucid thoughts run through my burning brain. Pffft. Horrible. On the other hand, you've come around so often that I'm almost getting used to it. Damn it. My konsolation is that I keep telling myself I know what I'm getting into and I don't expect much. You seem pretty clear-cut anyway, that you desire only one thing. This hawt piece of ass (get it get it). Yet some evenings just spent lying around or sitting around leisurely seem to say otherwise. Maybe you're simply not as greedy, though I know it's also the fear of getting caught. I really don't like this lack of space for our relatively-explosive dynamics. And I know I said to myself that it would be the bare minimum but I really didn't know I would get kicked out so soon. -.- Well. I guess it isn't everything. I guess. Actually after this scare, it really shouldn't be. Speaking of which, facebook fucking ruins lives man. I will always hear your voice, taunting me every time I am reminded of the age difference. EVEN MORE SO NOW that it's been confirmed he wasn't even of age. I feel sick (get it). My number one concern is if you see it but I'm sure you hate me enough as it is. Fuck that I will never forgive myself, I don't fucking deserve this. Ugh. And let's not pretend, I don't want you to see it either. Not that you really give a fuck right?

Can you lie next to her

and give her your heart

as well as your body?

The Con

Well. That was some kind of hysterical scare. Not cool, bro. Even more uncool, lover. But that's all just a suspicion now right? This would be the ultimate karma comes back around and all that bullshit. Fuck my life. Nevermind that I'll be hysterical enough as it is if it were something more normal. Ugh x152839204. "Nothing good could've come from it". Sometimes I wonder why the fuck I think I'm so fucking invincible. And what makes me think I'm so fucking untouchable. Because clearly, I am not. I'm going to have to pay my dues for all the goodwill I have gotten in my life because I don't live like I deserve it. I guess for it to come after such a stressful week spent reflecting on my fucked up life is only fair. Fucking ironic that it was the one weekend I neither drank nor club. Jesus imagine what would've happened if I did. God. This is so fucked up. What if + so do I let you in? Fuck. I know you think you're not my boytoy but... I can bet you will run. How fucking sad is it that I have absolutely no faith in you, especially after what I've been though *awkward turtle fortnight. Well. I'm at my wits ends, festering in my disease and my moral dilemma. I need to stop being such a fucking baby.

Fast as you can baby,

scratch me out,

free yourself

PANIC

I can't even pretend you can be counted on

but I know

I let the beast in too soon,

I don't know how to live

might mistake me for a heartbreaker

What an exhausting week. Life has it's ways of just slapping you around at the most unexpected of times, yeah? I know I've been talking the talk of leaving and growing up and doing what's best for me and all that jazz but well, for fear of you thinking I just talk big, I just can't. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going and so I am staying here. I think it would be the matured decision because let's be honest, I am a reckless mess and I will stay this way for a while. For now at least. Between my stupid obsession with not wasting my youth, my never-ending lust for the highs of life and my inability to remain satisfied and content with what I have, I barely survive here much less in a more happening environment. So. I think that's that. I think. This week really proved to me just how 1)impulsive 2)spoilt 3)greedy I am. I simply want too many things. I want to dream big but I want to stay safe. I want my freedom but I also want comfort. "Even you know that you can't have it all" . My first thought: but why not? Do I not deserve it all? Okay, let's not go there. Deserving is a touchy subject and honestly, I don't deserve half the goodwill I've gotten in my life. I am a terrible person who shouldn't be trusted. And yet I remain very lucky and I will always be grateful for that. Yet I know my luck will run out if I continue down my destructive path. I do need to be reigned in no doubt about it but the question is, can you in all your own reckless glory, keep me?


I know I can be a good girl,
But I've been bad before

the most epic one to date

but I'm not the same person anymore

have I always been a wreck?

let nothing go

So now I'm good and lost. Making life decisions is not my forte. This weekend just amplified the fact that I can't tell good from wrong. And you can't tell the truth from what you believe. I think the worse part is that despite knowing how delusional and reckless and disgustingly stingy you are, I'm still here. I wonder what it is that keeps me but frankly, I am getting bored. Perhaps it's because it is no longer feels mysterious. Or dangerous. (Except for that noon at home) It just kinda feels dumb. Sian. But more importantly. My future has now been put under the magnifying glass and I am scared out of my mind. What do I do now. Do I stay or do I go. Funny that just slightly less than two months ago I was so confident that I could deal with the change. And now that everything's set in paper and I am about to reject it, I am fucking freaking out. I think it's also because I've suddenly realized just how fucking spoilt I am and that's only because you don't spoil me like the others did. Cos you can't seem to look after even yourself and omg your disgusting stinginess. But that's again besides the point. I am having difficulties concentrating right now. Fucking distraught and stressed. This seems like quite a useless post.

We can leave this town

and run forever

get up and go

why do I have so little faith in myself

I know I can be a good girl

but I've been bad before