please don't leave

Never you, baby

First off, I completely ripped that first photo off Randi's facebook. Seeing Maroon 5 was just such a blur. I still can't believe the day we dreamt of came and went just like that. Yet as ecstatic as I was, it did hit a little too close to home, especially coming off the weekend spent at the hot spot. And as pathetic as it is, I did find myself scanning the crowd. Nervous eyes darting, sorting through the unfamiliar faces. To be honest, I don't even know who I was hoping to find.. beside you. Ugh. Speaking of which, I can now no longer tweet with freedom. I don't even know why you are following me ):< But back to the point, the nostalgia that swirled inside me led to me going back to waaaaaaaay back when. Yeah I've definitely had this blog for too long now. And suddenly I find myself frantically searching through boxes and boxes of memories only to find that I have lost my favorite ring. Did I throw it away?? Strange. Funny that I seem to have blocked out a large chunk of what it used to be, much like how I tend to selectively black out when I drunkenly pass out. Hurhur. Speaking of which, I have completely forgotten what a massive cunt you are. What is the point of boasting so many good qualities if you lack the social skills to carry them off?? Ugh. Judging myself. I say that way too often. It is a sign of all the bad life decisions I make. And because I so often make so many bad calls, I remain a jobless, school-less junkie. Life.

You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here

But I know just what you are, what you are baby

somehow I want more

You used to say

It's not over tonight,

just give me one more chance to make it right

I may not make it through the night,

I won't go home without you

Only to wake up with an empty bed

I think that something is wrong with me. I can't shake this feeling, as you can tell by the fact that I have been blogging quite a bit recently. Ugh. Maybe it's the lack of prospects, the copious amounts of time I have to fill, the lull of a repetitive routine, the nights that stretch on forever. I know victory is in the mind and what not but I am truly faltering. Saturday nights in neon lights, Sundays in the cell. I don't think I can live like this much longer. Everything is as hollow as it should be. I don't mean to be a bitch but.. why are you so intimidated? Actions > words, my dear. Nope, not even that surprised. On the flip side, I really hope that I'm not detangling what's left of the people I tag along with (lol). Anyway. This weekend felt exactly like it did the other time, except that was decidedly much classier and much less dodgy. Sigh. Back to the crime scene and my god, it made me fucking sad. The most painful bit? When we collapsed outside after everything, sinking into each other and I remembered thinking I must be the luckiest girl tonight. Yup, I'm a loser. And now, I am merely a backseat friend in your life. This is so much fun!!!!!!!! no. I know it's just a place and it's just a memory, like how it's just one moment. Just one moment where I actually felt your absence. Ugh. Hopefully it and more importantly, you will soon come to mean something less one day. Hopefully.

When this memory fades,
I'm gonna make sure it's replaced

There's gotta be more to life

I am officially stuck in a rut. Endless nights and forgettable mornings. To be honest, I am beginning to feel the d-word prick at me and I feel myself allowing it to nestle. Doomed. A night with the past was a lot more enjoyable than expected. Kitty cat fights are always the most fun. Though it seems I have truly been one-upped in every possible way and it feels gr8. *sarcasm. Other than that, I feel nothing. I have to. It's been a long time since I've indulged in such late night conversations (scandal scandal). I forgot how grounding it can be, especially since I've been getting too high too often lately. Hook, line and sinker. If only I had just one that seemed genuine enough. It's a fake life. And it comes with fake things. I think I need to take a break before I really lose my head because the down is a lonely place with no one to pick me up. Destined to be a hobo. I know it's selfish but sometimes I wish I had one on the hook, the way I am dangling so hopelessly on your hook. I am holding on to a secret wish. Foolishly. To think, I used to say the same to you all those years ago. Irony of life. But back to these fake things, I never thought I'd be the kind of girl to say that. Actually, it's getting a little difficult to define what kind of girl I am these days. Youth and freedom still stands as my excuses and watching you regale your glory day tales with such enthusiasm is egging me on a little. Clearly, I'm fighting myself on this one. Yet another perennial debate: him or/and her? Maybe you are just a lot more special than I remember.

if it's only a fantasy

then why is it killing me?

You're such a flirt

First of all, the hair issues will never end. Now, I am really never cutting my hair again ):< Seems that repercussions are starting to sink in. Aaah I probably should've seen it coming. Well, I did. (this seems familliar?) I know it's just the lack of attention, the fact that my hair is now in an even worse shape than before and well, me being hormonal. Roar. Also, I know that it isn't even a feasible thought but I still find myself toying with the notion. Life. After all, I'm really just a girl. At least you're much more polite I guess. Or maybe, much more scheming. I must really be losing my head. Just the down after the high I hope. Though I am starting to see the dead end to this lifestyle. Not a lot of potential for anything. And I'm sure it'll be difficult to give up. I hate being part of this, especially because I've always mocked it. And now I might just be the worst one yet. Hurhur. Irony of life. I am being a crazy bipolar bitch right now. One second I am relishing the freedom and the next, I am looking too far ahead. Stupid hormones. Everybody seems to be much more scheming than they seem. I just need to get it out of my system.

and you know I can't resist it

the end of an era

Seems to be causing quite a stir. I understand that I have a bad attitude towards these things. I seem to have more liberal views on such issues and therefore, drama ensues. I should really learn to keep to myself. Often, I wonder if the other side has to deal with these repercussions as well because, it can't possibly just be me. Three strikes. A terrible hangover, a few confrontations and a lot of stunned moments. Strangely enough, the biggest moment stemmed from the smallest deal. The look on your face; dumbfounded and almost disappointed. Like you'd just made a terrible realization. I am probably over thinking though. Strangely enough, I had just begun to stop thinking about the past. I must be reading too much into it. Oh, if only. Life. But back to the topic at hand, sometimes full disclosure is what starts the fire. Also, I realized that I have gotten too reliant on other people's opinions. I've only recently realized how much I am judged these days. I am not so blinded to think that fuck, this is the life. I am however just making the best of what I've got, which in case you don't realize, isn't that much these days. So I guess that's that. I know I have a warped perception of what is a big deal and what not but it seems to be a perennial debate. I guess it really boils down to taking things one day at a time.

I could stick around a little longer with you,

It doesn’t really mean that i’m into you

You'll find me that french girl

[ Day 3: Les Puces de Saint-Ouen -> Monmartre Hill -> Champs-Élysées -> Getting lost trying to get to Rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré -> Walking for two hours only to realize it was Sunday and every shop was closed -> River Cruise]

We'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin

[ Day 2 : La Vallée Village -> Supermarket -> Chinese takeout -> Eiffel Tower at night ]

La Vie en rose

[ Day 1 : 13 hour flight with Maroon 5 on replay -> metro to the hotel -> Breakfast at a cafe -> Notre Dame -> Louvre museum -> Galeries Lafayette ]

Back to life. I am so unhappy to be home. Paris was a paradise, it truly was. Everything from the culture to the chilly weather to the coffees&croissants to the sightseeing and getting lost and the shopping. Even the flights weren't too bad, granted I had Maroon 5 on replay as I slept. I can't say I needed the break because there isn't much I need to be broken away from but it felt good to relieve myself of the cage in my head. Though I seem to have crawled right back in the moment the return flight took off. Fuck you, Maroon 5. The deep-rooted dread I felt to return made me wonder if I really am miserable, without it at least. Our quick, meaningless conversation was probably what saved me from the epic lull after the high. Perhaps the biggest lesson is that I need to learn to loosen up, not think too much and just react. Because now at least it's better than nothing. Also, I need to stop seeing this as a competition because I am more than content to lose if it meant there was a shot. Not that there is, it's just some blind hope. Even then, I think I've mostly come to accept it's nothingness anyway. Other than that, I didn't realize just how little I do these days. I need some fucking prospects or at least, something to come home to.

And every night we'll watch the stars,

they'll be out for us