I would watch me fall apart

It's December all over again as I mope about this cold and empty room; physically sick and sick of life. It's demoralising to learn that I have once again been a disappointment, that I really have not changed at all. Big words and quick thinking cannot hide this resounding feeling of guilt and.. more guilt. Inappropriate; I even have to use the same word. And it is so much worse when you're not the only one affected, when your course of irresponsible behavior drags along the one who's near and dear to you, when it shatters the image you yourself tried so hard to protect. Superficial hypocrisy. I am such an epic loser. And now as the words and moods and uneasiness swirl in my drowsy overheated brain, sadness and anticipation conquers my being. Well, that and painkillers. In every way. Made a scene in the scene I love to loath. Nice. And as always I am feeling older than I should, when in actual fact I'm really not old enough. Moral values under immense scrutiny this week. Pearl lines are not as classy as it sounds. Covered up yet not covered up at all. I'm not numb anymore.


I'm sorry that it took so long
For me to change