Bye bye blackbird

Trust is a dirty word. The recent divides I've watched with great amusement has left nothing but disappointment after disappointment on my end. Not that I am complaining anymore, seeing as it has also served as a very important reminder that I have lost sight of my solitude. Though it has once again seriously questioned my strength and ability to maintain friendly ties. And in that moment, that one epic moment that could have really just defined what this really is for us, I chose to laugh. I am a whimp, but I learnt that all from you. How much longer can I run that way before everything catches up and on? I would say it is rather justifiable though, since we all have something to run to and you are no different. It's all just a stupid show put on for ourselves and for everyone who flirts in and out as they please. I don't have much to hide behind anymore and I don't mind.


I know you're real good

This may not last but this is now

Lying is the most fun

Now let's not get selfish

Did you really think I'd let you kill this chorus?

No one understands me like you do

Somewhere in there, I know full well. Here's the truth, I have never really been the daft one. It is a long stretch to say that I am a realist, seeing that my life would have turned out a lot simpler and quite frankly incredibly boring. However, I have also never been much of a dreamer. Always been the cynical one, watching from this pedestal I mount myself on and passing unfair judgement. Yes, I am neither wildly attractive nor the most pleasant to be around, I have never been ashamed to admit. Ironically, I am both supremely arrogant and semi self-conscious. To say one never needs is the biggest lie that one can ever convince themselves to believe. To say that I am somehow superior to everyone else is yet another lie. I too need, as much as I am too disgustingly proud to admit. I too lose; sight, games, life. It's inevitable that I too end up in situations where I find myself up against forces I know I cannot beat. Feelings are our number one weaknesses. Insecurities are stemmed from truth. Time is a losing game. Understanding is so easily fucking overstated. I feel like I have lost myself.

Images of broken light

I say don't run from yourself

To say this week was a heck of a joy ride is such an understatement. Illness has allowed me space from school and left me suffocated at home and everywhere else. Yes that is me K.O.ed on a couch. Emotions run out of line and out of context too many times as I struggle to empathize. And for once, I am actually fucking impressed. Ah change is not my friend. There is never anything to do or say anymore. Except maybe that money thrown around really isn't everything. I am such a walking contradiction. Stony silence. So as true escapees, it eventually leads to an eccentric ride of eclectic emotions. Erroneous elation versus echoing emptiness. Irritating. Hahaha. I tricked you. God I am so witty. Heehee. Fuck you BMR and other miscellaneous things slash gut feelings slash relationships that bring me down down down. Maybe we should just stop running cos time always catches up. I feel like I am in such a rut. Well, back to school.

You can't take back what you've done

E is for Ecstasy

Because.

Change was never a friend of mine

Slip up, cover up

Turn back, back up

Eyes roll, right round

Right back, left behind

 Break down, break up

Fall down, pick up

Burn down, burning up

Throw away, throw up

Right now, now what?

Me and my head high

So in the past two days things actually came to a point where I thought that I might actually seriously die. Blazing through the night as I was neglected for the millionth time trying to bring attention to the fever I myself neglected for days. Karma sucks. But well, no school for a week! Hurr. Oh poor little rich girl. If I don't get this trip to my congested city paradise, I am going to throw the biggest fit in the world. Yeah somebody shoot this girl. Hurr. Long-lasting tiffs and spats encouraged by parental guidance and long lost dreams lead to deadly friendly competition. Sadly I must admit that a lot of the stupid things I do are triggered by alcohol and then fueled by this inferiority complex I cannot shake, even in my dreams. Pfft. I am fucking sour. I blame my mother, I really do. What scares me more is that in the last week I feel like I have lost more than I should have, which has resulted in me not being lost at all. The more I lose myself, the less lost I am. The more I lose myself, the more I lose around me. The more I lose myself, the more I will eventually lose. Whatever it is, I pretty much lose.

I guess you better go get your amour

I would watch me fall apart

It's December all over again as I mope about this cold and empty room; physically sick and sick of life. It's demoralising to learn that I have once again been a disappointment, that I really have not changed at all. Big words and quick thinking cannot hide this resounding feeling of guilt and.. more guilt. Inappropriate; I even have to use the same word. And it is so much worse when you're not the only one affected, when your course of irresponsible behavior drags along the one who's near and dear to you, when it shatters the image you yourself tried so hard to protect. Superficial hypocrisy. I am such an epic loser. And now as the words and moods and uneasiness swirl in my drowsy overheated brain, sadness and anticipation conquers my being. Well, that and painkillers. In every way. Made a scene in the scene I love to loath. Nice. And as always I am feeling older than I should, when in actual fact I'm really not old enough. Moral values under immense scrutiny this week. Pearl lines are not as classy as it sounds. Covered up yet not covered up at all. I'm not numb anymore.


I'm sorry that it took so long
For me to change