Hey are you still awake?

I'm sorry for more than you think

When you told me you didn't need me anymore

We're all losing life.

Sex with you is not incredible

Oh darling.

And tomorrow I'll miss you

So it had been longer than I thought. Last weekend has acted as a trigger to everything good and bad. Territorial lines in the east and between friends, respectively. Thanks for the show, it really just made you the bigger person. *scowl. And on the completely other hand, thanks for the sincerity and everything you've made me. And for being the only one who says I haven't changed. You are truly the bigger person here and I guess I really did love you in more ways than one. Last weekend also found me finding myself far away on an island of my own, emotionally isolated and drifting farther into voluntary desolation. For the first time, the moment I stepped back into reality everything just melted into place. Odd, but I'm not complaining. I'm glad we chose to stick it out. Poison gushing out, releasing me of agony and distress. Oh and BYE BYE METAL): Madness sadness.. I will revisit you soon! The only downer is that I somehow can't draw the line between independency and abandonment. Oh and the fact that I am yet again incredibly sick):

Because the wind is high,

It blows my mind

As it is I'll dream of her tonight

Somehow everything seems a notch brighter.

I can't forget the time or place

Where we just met

The saddest girl in the world

I walked away

Cold and alone

I've just seen a face

This is the best shit in the world (And of course I was talking about the DVD) Hee. This week could not have gotten any more tolling and taxing in every possible way. Serious emotional K.O. You know life is sad when one achieves nirvana from buying a DVD. Hawhawhaw. Sigh. The build up up up for the biggest blow out in forever. Forced smiles and conversations, bitten tongues and surly faces, loose lips and hidden intentions. Blue nails and orange pus. Ah.. life. Hurhur. It's like a cyst completely unwanted but attached to the skin; growing, thriving, evolving. Getting more and more toxic and dangerous by the day through neglect and hot-headedness. An explosion seemed to be in order as my sanity was pushed to the absolute brink. The calm after the storm or well hopefully actually fixed and mended to the best of our abilities, now.. or Amsterdam Across the Universe. Hee. Yes I do somehow feel much much better now.

Stick around, and it may show,
But I don't know, I don't know.

We are stained.

Leave or be left

I've been twisting and turning 

In a space that's too small 

I've been drawing the line and watching it fall 

You've been closing me in, 

closing the space in my heart 

Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart 

Well I can't explain why it's not enough 

Coz I gave it all to you 

And if you leave me now 

Oh just leave me now 

It's the better thing to do 

It's time to surrender 

It's been too long pretending 

There's no use in trying 

When the pieces don't fit anymore 

The pieces don't fit here anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in 

Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin 

Well I'll hide all the bruises; 

I'll hide all the damage that's done 

But I show how I'm feeling 

until all the feeling has gone 

Well I can't explain why it's not enough 

Coz I gave it all to you 

And if you leave me now 

Oh just leave me now 

It's the better thing to do 

It's time to surrender 

It's been too long pretending 

There's no use in trying 

When the pieces don't fit anymore 

The pieces don't fit anymore 

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel 

Coz I've tried, yes I've tried 

Still I don't know why 

No I don't know why 

I don't know why 

From the brightest reds to gray

Sundays like these bring me back to when life revolved around nothing but myself. Cleaning up, clearing minds and clutter, indulging and splurging. Kick-back-and-relax days,  love-hate-relationship-with-family days, promising days. Saturday nights on the other hand, are for unwinding from an emotionally-zomg week with a barrel of beer. Ditto for Friday nights and red bull vodka. Hee. Emotional ZOMG in every possible way, from school to its axis to my poor abused atm. Hurhur. Surprisingly there were many moments this week when I really just had nothing to say. No words to form, no thoughts to string into a mess of meaningless words, nothing. I somehow doubt that is slash will be suffice should this bleakness drag though. Hmm. Maybe it's because I understand the consequences when fucking hurtful words spill out like knives. Wounds and scars you can never undo. Mind fucking in all it's fucking glory, smiling maniacally at the back of your mind, beaming at our little masquerade of words. You are red, violent red. Really, it greatly saddens and almost disappoints me. On my shiny gray end, I am unsure if this is all just exploding in my head or if it's actually there and no one (hig or not) can explain it to me. Though I don't quite know how many fucking times I have to hear it before it stops sucking. Or gets boring. HAWHAW. Fml.

You say we're fatally flawed

Well, I'm easily bored.

I loved you a little less than before

Torture

Sends you gently for the fall

Deadlines and canned coffee bring nothing but absolute stress. Jumpy and exhausted, the past week was spent worrying worrying worrying about every little detail going into fucking ten percent. Yes, school has indeed become the world around which the axis called life rotates. In some sick way it actually makes me feel.. productive? Hurhur. I'm slowly burning out and it's only the beginning. Yet through some weird bipolar forces, the life that is rotating around my world is becoming.. bleagh. Everything feels gray and dreary, almost as if a holocaust is slowly emerging and we're just.. waiting, unruffled. Sigh. These gravitational forces seem to be pulling people nearer but they can only reach so far. Shiny gray and familiarity; closer closer closer burning closer. Told you I'd fuck up. For the first time I am pleading for someone to save me before it explodes inside me.

It's always morning in my mind