R-E-G-R-E-T

I feel so small.

I am stuck. I put myself here in the first place and now I can't get myself out. I am weak, I couldn't let go. I am stupid, I let myself fall when I knew, I fucking knew. I am pathetic really, because I know all of this. I know that I am stuck, that I am weak, that I am stupid. So fucking stupid. But am I doing anything about it? No, I'm not. I'm just here, thinking and letting it eat me up inside. And I honestly don't know why I put myself through all of this unneccessary trauma.

Oh wait, it's because I'm stupid like that.

Down on my knees

I really really am a stupid girl.

Though we have not hit the ground
Doesn't mean we're not still falling.
I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame I hope you find somewhere to place the blame

When something better comes along

I hate being caught in between.

In between clarity and uncertaincy. In between knowing what to do and actually doing it. In between yes and no. In between denial and acceptance. In between wanting to rid myself of all this emotional baggage and simply being too attached to it to let go. In between you and me.

I think I'm too matured for my own good. Cos I'm just sitting here, thinking. Or pretending to think. Guess what I'm actually doing. I'm feeling. Oh my god, I'm fucking feeling. Insecure, confused, helpless, alone, duped, stupid, selfish, angry, lost, scared. My heart is just jumping all over the place, torn between logic and feeling. Thump thump thump. It's not getting any easier. Thump thump thump. What if you never gave two fucks about me and I'm just putting myself through all this crap for absolutely nothing? Thump thump thump. But what if you did and I'm just throwing it all away? Thump thump thump. Then again I'm probably the last person on your mind. Thump thump thump. And it's all for your own good anyway. Thump thump thump. And it's honestly come to a point where it's just not worth this shit anymore. Thump thump thump.....Right?

Fuck I hate that I care so god damn much.

We were all in love and we all got hurt

It kinda makes me sick to be on that list

First day of school was alright I suppose. I realised that I do know a lot of people, just that none of them are in my course. A lot of running around and catching up, tons of familiar faces. I've decided to be slightly more positive because all this whining really does nothing for me. Anyway the more I think about it, Poly really is right for me.




I know I should let go.



Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

I'm losing you and it's effortless

[This was Friday afternoon]

So here I am chilling at Starbucks with my laptop, blogging. A month ago, I was probably here with my diary, quietly and thoughtfully penning down how I feel. A whole freaking year ago, I was probably here with my books, mugging for the Os and rushing for time.


Some things never change though. I am still as much of a loser now as I was then. (I fail to connect to the internet and have thus resorted to blogging on Microsoft) My drink is still condensing all over me. I still absolutely adore the combination of caramel and coffee as I sip on my Grande Dulce de Luce Frapp. I am still uncomfortable when I see juniors from SAC who recognize me when I have no fucking clue who they are. And people still stare at me.


But then again, when I do actually think about it, so much has changed. I look at the sec fours sitting outside, diligently mugging while their empty plastic cups and even emptier wallets taunt them and I think; Damn. That used to be me. I used to don that uniform every morning, drag myself to school and sit reluctantly through lessons. Then as soon school ends, I’d hop into a cab with a couple of my friends and plop myself down at a convenient Starbucks, order a drink and sit there for hours on end. And now here I am, a whole year later, watching them go through what we’ve all been through, wondering what the fuck it was that happened along the way. God I feel so fucking old.



It’s starting to really hit me that school starts in what, two fucking days? Maybe I’m just slow, or maybe it was the sucky orientation, or maybe it was meeting my coursemates for the next three years, or maybe it’s the fact that… I just can’t run anymore. Everyone expects it to be easier for me since I was already in school for a while at the beginning of the year. But what they don’t realize is that during those months I had created a comfortable little routine for myself and that now that everything is so different, the contrast is so stark that it’s actually a lot harder. By the way, I’m supposed to be at Orientation right now.


Genius. I finally figured out what’s the worst bit about ending school at four almost everyday. The fact that everyone else ends at six. And how did this so miraculously hit me? I left camp early yesterday and called all five of my neds and none of them picked up; Simply because they were in class. And here I am hating this so god damn much because I’m right back where I began, feeling so fucking distant and so fucking far away. And I know it can't be helped and I know it was inevitable and I know all that crap, which in turn makes me feel so fucking whiney and annoying. This is working out abosolutely fantastic.



I think I can fully epitomise how I feel right now in a very simple sentence; My life is balls. HAHA. In that extended period of time, I’ve gained friends and lost friends, I’ve had coffee come and go(ing), I’ve spent a ton of money, I’ve partied like I’ve never partied before, I’ve lost my first almost everything.


Suddenly, jumping around in my room in my underwear with Gwen Stefani at full blast seems like so not so long ago. Suddenly getting my hair makeover feels like not so long ago. Suddenly Grad Night feels like not so long ago. Suddenly my sad attempt at a first job feels like not so long ago. Suddenly, planning for and finally enjoying Abnia feels like not so long ago. Suddenly, new year’s eve and all that Depp worshipping feels like not so long ago. Suddenly, the hil-arious periods of time when Din Pau and I met up everyday cos we were the school rejects feel like not so long ago. Suddenly, getting back our results feel like not so long ago. Suddenly all those coffee dates and late (late) nights out feel like not so long ago.















































Then I remember that it was long ago. Long long ago.

The summer's ending soon

Orientation sucked so bad I just left halfway. And just so I beat all the other SACians to it, I've already gotten my timetable(I'm not explaining why) and I end at four almost everyday.



Where the hell did my holidays go?


Don't look back,
We can never look back

You love her don't you?

I never thought we would come this far. Everything feels like so long ago.



School starts in seven days, six if you don't count today. My heart sinks as I feel my freedom slipping quickly from my fingers. And my desperate attempts at salvaging them are so futile that I feel more and more hopeless everyday. Yes, as you guessed, camp was pretty useless(though relatively fun and quite scandalous) And yes, I did have to go through all that crap I mentioned and then some. I can't believe I was there for three days and two nights and I barely made new friends. HA. I just stuck to my darling SACians and DPA people the whole time. I guess I was just afraid that I wouldn't fit in even if I tried. No, I know that I was and am afraid. Which explains why I'm so reluctant to start school. And the thing about camp is that the loneliness you feel despite being surronded by hundreds of people is truly overwhelming. Jeez I am such a loser.




On the bright side, I really do love where our friendship is now and I honestly hope that it doesn't change. Maybe it's always been this easy, this comforting, this complete, but I've just never noticed simply cos I've been caught up in my stupidity(and some lust:)) But now that I can see it for what it is, now that I can stand back and appreciate it, I hope we never lose this connection cos it just means way too much to me. (And I am so glad that despite the fact that I love you too much for my own good, you no longer take advantage of it and that I know my limits)




Oh! Another problem I have with camp (other than fucking constipation) is that cos I don't actively partake in the activities, it leaves my mind free to wander, free to overheat in a myraid of thoughts and feelings, free to replay the events mentally and to analyze every single tiny detail. And of course knowing me, once I start I can't stop. I'm a quite a moron yes. So there I am, not even trying to look interested, sipping on my second-rate Nescafe coffee, thinking. Questioning my denial and wondering if I have indeed fallen.



So I'm not that immune afterall.


Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I'll leave when I wanna

You're a fucking asshole hang up

I must be going crazy.

By the time you read this, I'd probably be a not-so-happy camper, dying of boredom or lonliness in some sad corner of my school wondering why I put myself there in the first place. Or maybe I'd be sleeping on the floor, or baking in the sun, or worse I'd be drinking Nescafe coffee. Sigh. I'm such a loser, but in my (beyond) desperate attempts at making some friends, I will bite my tongue. I can't believe I'm blogging now either, with my bag half packed and a hundred billion thoughts racing through my mind. Oh well, one last time before camp I guess.

If you remembered, Monday went alright. It could have gone better but there's no point crying over spilt milk I guess.

And yesterday was possibly the highlight of the week, Sentosa with Din-sha and the Pee. HA. Yes it rained, we know. Other than sonia's life-long wish of playing with fishes being fulfiled, it was actually really failure(but in the best possible way). Because if you were at Sentosa, you would spotted three loser girls, laughing their asses off and screaming at the top of their lungs while sauntering through the pouring rain, drenched to the bone. And if you were a tourist, you were probably taking pictures of us thinking we were an attraction. And if you were us, you'd probably have lost your flops in the water countless times trying to reach some kind of civilisation, waved at some really bewildered caucasions and indians, posed for photos and gotten laughed at. But then again, you would have also enjoyed unwinding from such a memorable day in the jacuzzi, steamroom and finally the pool. SIGH(:

That was a low(low low low low low low) blow man.

You can't tell but it's pouring(:

I don't need.

I'm not so naive, my sorry eyes can see
The way you fight shy of almost everything
Well, if you give up, you'll get what you deserve

So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
You wouldn't

I never wanted to say this,you never wanted to stay
I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away

You don't know the meaning of scandal

Nine million thoughts are running through my head

But then again, what's new? As of now, it's 14 more freaking days till school officially starts (5 of which will be wasted at camp), 10 more days til business school camp, 3 more days to FOC, and 1 (yes ONE) more day to my ballet exam. I'm not liking the time crunch. Damn, I can't wrap my mind around the fact that holidays are ending. And to top it all off, I'm really really dreading camp, the whole brand new social situation thing and the sun and the activities and the making new friends and yada yada. Meah.


The days are passing way too quickly. Gotta love Friday's at Buu's; spending time with my neds, bobbing to strange music and just hanging out. Yes Fridays have been officially made girlfriendS-plus-Harms Day. Oh and Buu, I still win hands down whether you choose to believe me or not. Thursday was out with the Chew, ingesting a huge dim sum feast, jamming in the middle of the road and spending way too much money. Wednesday was spent hanging in my room (Ch'yeah) and then a failure crash at Din's.. office. Tuesday was the bomb, hanging by the jacuzzi and pool and Monday was spent at Ang Mo Kio(Don't ask) Ha.


So lately, I've been finding myself wondering what the future would bring, however near it is. And I realised(finally) that I am such a fucking pessemist. All I can picture is how things will end, how different things will be, how I..or we might change so much that it'd be difficult to find things to talk about. Jeez, sometimes I wish I could just shut my brain out and live happily in denial. But then again there are times when I don't catch myself and let things slip out of my mouth and totally regret it after. Ha, Story of my life.

So how long is too long?

If you let me I could
I'd show you how to build your fences
Set restrictions
Separate from the world

You know I want you too

I struggled to find a photo that aptly describes the way I feel, and I couldn't. So we shall settle with this one.




And it's not that I don't have a large selection of cool photos to choose from(trust me, I am a camwhore) It's just that.. I don't know exactly how I feel. I think right now I'm just supressing all my emotions and passing it off as strength and the ability to pick myself up. Pffft. Buu's right. I am a silent worry-er. And I'm not the kind of person who can just forget something, it has to be solved and concluded before I can even think of moving on. And right now, everything's just left hanging and I would solve it if I could but there's nothing we can do and it's quietly killing me. And here I am pretending I'm over it just so you'd get up and move on too. Heh. On the other hand, I'm give up on you.(not that I really give a fuck anymore) SIGH.




Then again, life isn't all that bleak(well, maybe it's just the happy hormones) My social life is still going strong, well just til school comes and steals it away from me that is. Damn camp. At least there are still things slash people that remind me that life isn't that bad afterall. Thanks for looking out for me babes, in all your different ways. I'm sorry if I had you worried, things are just a little fucked up right now. But i will deal! Soon enough.




Soon enough.



Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me
I can't hear just what you've said
You say go slow; I fall behind
The second hand unwinds