Why won't she love me anymore?

Because I have changed;

I am impulsive,

I am reckless,

I am stupid,

I am irresponsible,

I am tempted,

I am selfish,

I am insecure,

I am hypocritical,

I am emotional,

I am a burden,

I am weak.

This is not what I intended,

I always swore to you I'd never fall apart.

You always thought that I was stronger,

I may have failed,

But I have loved you from the start.

If you see this girl, can you tell her where I am?

*censored picture=)*

Thinking maybe you'll come back here

I think work has pretty much given up on me so I am now free as a bird (Unless it's in a cage hanging off Sonia's neck that is. Hehe.) So the past week has been.. interesting to say the least. Involves K.O.ing in a pub after panic-induced drunk calls(that were not from me for once), lazy nights at Siglap enjoying my view, impromtu plans to crash an ahem-ahem party but failing oh so miserably and getting beer and chips instead, not forgetting a creepy encounter with creepy mc-creep creep and the surprising choice not to flirt with a bouncer. Hahaha.

Youth. The privilege to be reckless, impulsive and just plain irresponsible that I quite frankly take advantage of. But that's a whole different issue, as always. What I'm most.. ashamed of is possibly the fact that I am very aware of every step I slip, of everything you are underserving of. Sometimes I wonder if the world is big enough for the both of us, you have your corner I have mine. You have your life, I have mine. And yet somewhere deep down inside, despite the fact that you have shattered the entity of my world by the simple act of leaving, I want yours. This world is big enough I can bet, I just want a larger slice. I don't want a different corner, I don't quite give a damn how much better or how much easier it would be. I want my same old space, I want familiarity, routine, comfort, love. Greed I guess is something else I abuse.

You'd see me waiting for you

On the corner of the street.

Nothing's worse than when you know it's over

I find my heart is growing weak.

I hate that my holidays do not comprise of Pau or Buu simply cos exams have stolen them from me and I cannot steal them back. So I spend my days with the rest of my girls hanging out over coffee, spending more money than I make and saving each other from ourselves. Or even just alone with a book, people watching (or shall I say person) and rolling my tongue around. Or well, folding clothes. Ha. And yet I find myself slipping quite a tad into a routine, using PMS as an outlet (or shall I say excuse) for my angst and more aptly grieve. Maybe I am hitting menopause(!) Hahaha. God knows what exactly it is that's triggering these random burst of emotions but they tick me off considerably and yet I know it's a choice. I haven't been great at decision-making of late, yes I know you're disappointed in me Din. So am I but I made that choice so I'm to blame. Speaking of which, I also chose to run or more accurately to feign ignorance. I doubt it would've made an impact anyway seeing as how I have been left here with such ease it hurts. 

Today in the blink of an eye,

I'm holding onto something

And I do not know why 

I tried.

By pretending that she still loves me

I wonder if it even makes a difference to try.

I heard you say you needed me now,

What's the problem? I can't see.

You've destroyed me, 

I won't fall apart again.

I'm not falling apart.

You destroyed me

Leave your reasons on the bathroom sink.

I wonder, sit around and ponder. Contemplating, sorting, thinking. Trying to figure out what exactly it is that I feel. I always have an excuse for myself, blaming my mistakes on something, on someone else. But when you see for yourself a reflection of what you are and what you've become, that's when the enormity of everything really hits you. Cos it really is rather pathetic, I have to admit and I feel a bit like shooting myself but you know, shit happens (and I have all the wounds to prove it) But yes it really did hit like a ton of bricks last night how sad I really am and how much it sucks. Cos everything around me is just whirling by; time, people, change. Everyone's moving (on) and so am I but at a much slower pace. I think the problem is that I simply don't want to. I don't want to go forward, I want to go back. So I'm still here, wondering pondering contemplating, regretting reflecting considering weighing expecting wishing.. hoping.

Another night,

Another dream wasted on you.

With no one here just by your side

I hate this. I'm cranky because I'm freaking starving. I'm fucking scared, it's really getting worse and I'm freaking out and no one cares. I'm so fucking tired, absolutely drained and I don't know why. I don't want things to move, I don't want them to change, I don't want to be here. I just want to revert to when everything fucking made sense. Goodnight.

I can't forget you,

I know you want me to want you,

I want to

It didn't hurt as much as when you left

Yes, I really pierced my tongue.

But what I can't believe is that it's already September. Well okay fine. There was a lot of spit and the piercing bit hurt like a bitch for me, and I can't pronounce anything with a 'th'. It's still pretty swollen and I'm fucking starving cos I can't ingest anything solid. But I did it. And if you think I'm crazy then well, get in line. But I did it, I fucking did it. So if you thought I wouldn't dare or if you told me not to get it, then.. Aw too bad(:

HAHAHA I'm insane. But August; Projects ending, exams, parties, chalets, Baybeats, Boys like Girls, Lobster crab and champagne, and some of the best company I could ask for. So it went better than July, heck probably even June. It's a wonder how I find the fact that it actually did slightly unbelievable; or maybe the word I'm look for is sad. Haha. September seems to be a tad bleak but I'm feeling strangely okay with that. All this does me more damage than good anyway. Well a lot of things do me more damage than good but I did them all. A lot has changed since the last September holidays when Din and I spent five consecutive days together. I know they say not to live like that but I regret a lot of things, especially those that put me here. Now all I need to do is figure out where exactly here is. It's way too late for my to comprehend what I just said.

Your voice was the sound track of my summer,

Do you know you're unlike any other?

You'll always be my thunder.