The summer's ending soon

Orientation sucked so bad I just left halfway. And just so I beat all the other SACians to it, I've already gotten my timetable(I'm not explaining why) and I end at four almost everyday.



Where the hell did my holidays go?


Don't look back,
We can never look back

You love her don't you?

I never thought we would come this far. Everything feels like so long ago.



School starts in seven days, six if you don't count today. My heart sinks as I feel my freedom slipping quickly from my fingers. And my desperate attempts at salvaging them are so futile that I feel more and more hopeless everyday. Yes, as you guessed, camp was pretty useless(though relatively fun and quite scandalous) And yes, I did have to go through all that crap I mentioned and then some. I can't believe I was there for three days and two nights and I barely made new friends. HA. I just stuck to my darling SACians and DPA people the whole time. I guess I was just afraid that I wouldn't fit in even if I tried. No, I know that I was and am afraid. Which explains why I'm so reluctant to start school. And the thing about camp is that the loneliness you feel despite being surronded by hundreds of people is truly overwhelming. Jeez I am such a loser.




On the bright side, I really do love where our friendship is now and I honestly hope that it doesn't change. Maybe it's always been this easy, this comforting, this complete, but I've just never noticed simply cos I've been caught up in my stupidity(and some lust:)) But now that I can see it for what it is, now that I can stand back and appreciate it, I hope we never lose this connection cos it just means way too much to me. (And I am so glad that despite the fact that I love you too much for my own good, you no longer take advantage of it and that I know my limits)




Oh! Another problem I have with camp (other than fucking constipation) is that cos I don't actively partake in the activities, it leaves my mind free to wander, free to overheat in a myraid of thoughts and feelings, free to replay the events mentally and to analyze every single tiny detail. And of course knowing me, once I start I can't stop. I'm a quite a moron yes. So there I am, not even trying to look interested, sipping on my second-rate Nescafe coffee, thinking. Questioning my denial and wondering if I have indeed fallen.



So I'm not that immune afterall.


Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I'll leave when I wanna

You're a fucking asshole hang up

I must be going crazy.

By the time you read this, I'd probably be a not-so-happy camper, dying of boredom or lonliness in some sad corner of my school wondering why I put myself there in the first place. Or maybe I'd be sleeping on the floor, or baking in the sun, or worse I'd be drinking Nescafe coffee. Sigh. I'm such a loser, but in my (beyond) desperate attempts at making some friends, I will bite my tongue. I can't believe I'm blogging now either, with my bag half packed and a hundred billion thoughts racing through my mind. Oh well, one last time before camp I guess.

If you remembered, Monday went alright. It could have gone better but there's no point crying over spilt milk I guess.

And yesterday was possibly the highlight of the week, Sentosa with Din-sha and the Pee. HA. Yes it rained, we know. Other than sonia's life-long wish of playing with fishes being fulfiled, it was actually really failure(but in the best possible way). Because if you were at Sentosa, you would spotted three loser girls, laughing their asses off and screaming at the top of their lungs while sauntering through the pouring rain, drenched to the bone. And if you were a tourist, you were probably taking pictures of us thinking we were an attraction. And if you were us, you'd probably have lost your flops in the water countless times trying to reach some kind of civilisation, waved at some really bewildered caucasions and indians, posed for photos and gotten laughed at. But then again, you would have also enjoyed unwinding from such a memorable day in the jacuzzi, steamroom and finally the pool. SIGH(:

That was a low(low low low low low low) blow man.

You can't tell but it's pouring(:

I don't need.

I'm not so naive, my sorry eyes can see
The way you fight shy of almost everything
Well, if you give up, you'll get what you deserve

So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
You wouldn't

I never wanted to say this,you never wanted to stay
I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away

You don't know the meaning of scandal

Nine million thoughts are running through my head

But then again, what's new? As of now, it's 14 more freaking days till school officially starts (5 of which will be wasted at camp), 10 more days til business school camp, 3 more days to FOC, and 1 (yes ONE) more day to my ballet exam. I'm not liking the time crunch. Damn, I can't wrap my mind around the fact that holidays are ending. And to top it all off, I'm really really dreading camp, the whole brand new social situation thing and the sun and the activities and the making new friends and yada yada. Meah.


The days are passing way too quickly. Gotta love Friday's at Buu's; spending time with my neds, bobbing to strange music and just hanging out. Yes Fridays have been officially made girlfriendS-plus-Harms Day. Oh and Buu, I still win hands down whether you choose to believe me or not. Thursday was out with the Chew, ingesting a huge dim sum feast, jamming in the middle of the road and spending way too much money. Wednesday was spent hanging in my room (Ch'yeah) and then a failure crash at Din's.. office. Tuesday was the bomb, hanging by the jacuzzi and pool and Monday was spent at Ang Mo Kio(Don't ask) Ha.


So lately, I've been finding myself wondering what the future would bring, however near it is. And I realised(finally) that I am such a fucking pessemist. All I can picture is how things will end, how different things will be, how I..or we might change so much that it'd be difficult to find things to talk about. Jeez, sometimes I wish I could just shut my brain out and live happily in denial. But then again there are times when I don't catch myself and let things slip out of my mouth and totally regret it after. Ha, Story of my life.

So how long is too long?

If you let me I could
I'd show you how to build your fences
Set restrictions
Separate from the world

You know I want you too

I struggled to find a photo that aptly describes the way I feel, and I couldn't. So we shall settle with this one.




And it's not that I don't have a large selection of cool photos to choose from(trust me, I am a camwhore) It's just that.. I don't know exactly how I feel. I think right now I'm just supressing all my emotions and passing it off as strength and the ability to pick myself up. Pffft. Buu's right. I am a silent worry-er. And I'm not the kind of person who can just forget something, it has to be solved and concluded before I can even think of moving on. And right now, everything's just left hanging and I would solve it if I could but there's nothing we can do and it's quietly killing me. And here I am pretending I'm over it just so you'd get up and move on too. Heh. On the other hand, I'm give up on you.(not that I really give a fuck anymore) SIGH.




Then again, life isn't all that bleak(well, maybe it's just the happy hormones) My social life is still going strong, well just til school comes and steals it away from me that is. Damn camp. At least there are still things slash people that remind me that life isn't that bad afterall. Thanks for looking out for me babes, in all your different ways. I'm sorry if I had you worried, things are just a little fucked up right now. But i will deal! Soon enough.




Soon enough.



Sometimes you picture me
I'm walking too far ahead
You're calling to me
I can't hear just what you've said
You say go slow; I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

That's just what sluts do

It never ever ends.

I've never felt more like shit in my entire life. Every single fucking time I turn arond there's something new for me to handle. The worse part is I have to do this all my fucking self and it's so much harder than I can ever imagine. This is insane. I've never felt so betrayed, so disgusted, so incredibly angry and so fucking terrified all at once. I've never had so many thoughts scream in my head. I've never needed someone, anyone this fucking badly before. I am tired, I am emotional, I am tolled. Perched so fucking percariously on the edge that if you add just one more issue on my plate, I might just fall off. The truth is I lied, I can't fucking handle this.

Fuck this stupid post.

Sitting prettily in my mailbox

I feel the gangster blood.

So it has been a rather eventful and definitely very expensive week. School's barely been out for long and I've already blown a significant amount of money on shopping alone. Totally typica(: Haha. I've actually spent four consecutive days with the sonia of the pee this week. That might just be four too many(: HAHA. Monday; a failed surprise with sonia and sonia. Tuesday; Din Sonia and I. Wednesday; a myraid of people that also included Sonia. Thursday; Din then Sonia then Pau. And Friday; the Chew. Dang.

So in between everything (all with just one cup of coffee a day I might add), I've noticed how funny it is that so much has changed. And I don't even mean it in an annoyingly emo way, but in a it's-funny-how-life-turns-out kinda way. So much changes in such a short period of time. How we act, what we talk about, the things we laugh about, how we feel. I guess that's why they call it progress. And I'm not even talking about a year ago or something. So much has changed in the past month(and a couple weeks) alone. Don't even get me started on two months ago, or even since December. I have gained things, lost things, regretted things, took a chance on things, felt (quite a selection of) things, opened up on things and given up on things. It's funny how life turns out I guess. Heh.

On the somewhat duller side, I'm missing all my neds like crazy. Especially you Buu):

I am so spoilt(:

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all