sun & moon & star guitars

"I'm in Paris thinking of you"

extremely loud and incredibly close

It annoys me that you've continued to surprise me time and time again. Typically, this would be an angry rant about the new lows you've sunk to.. but it's not. Maybe you were feeling nostalgic, or freshly rejected by someone else, or maybe you don't mean it, or maybe you wanted for me to wonder about you.. I don't know. The thing about you is that I could come up with three million reasons I'd rather believe than to believe that you really meant your sudden proclamation and apology.. and be proven a fool again. The problem with us is that we have nothing but time, we always win and we never quit. We're much too alike in all the ways we are terrible. My biggest fear is how real our future seems and how unhappy we look. I knew this from the day I met you. A meaningful conversation with my favorite girl today really helped me re-focus my issues. How nice that she shared that with me. Somehow as the words came tumbling out, I felt both insane and sane at the same time. I hate how big a part of my life you still are. I also knew this the day I met you. The thing is if I've felt that twice in my life, how would I know which one is the one? Life, being the way that it is, blessed me with time with two entirely different people. One whom I treated terrible and one who treats me terribly. One whom I truly loved and one who just makes sense. I'm laughing at myself now. Not that I get to choose of course, but that's just how Life is. Anyway, I was advised to readjust my vision. Right now, I'm stuck in these thoughts that I would never be happy again and I wouldn't be unless I change that. I guess something great could come along one day and make all of this feel worth it.. though what are the chances of that what with Life and all. Still, it feels nice to think of that possibility. Though from experience it seems the easiest way to lose something is to want it too much. Hmm. How did I get from obsessively-in-love to what-if-im-stuck-with-this-one? Life.


I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy

It's always necessary

It's 2:23 AM and I am thinking about you. I just finished reading a marvelous book and I am thinking about you. It's 2:26 AM and I am wishing I could share how I feel with you and tell you: "I am thinking about you".

we are not in love

This quiet week in faded pictures. Sometimes I look at them and wonder if I take myself and my social media platforms too seriously. What is the real point of all the fuss of intricately fading pictures? The truth is it isn't (just) about wanting to show off or to convince people that my life is great. It's really more of an indication or a reminder to myself that these experiences and feelings have existed in my life at some point, much like all my blogs I reckon. I don't write to tell people what's wrong with my life, but to jot down my thoughts, clear my head and also to understand the inconsistencies of my feelings. This week has been a rather quiet one, but I don't mind at all. Save for that one afternoon, though I would hardly say it was of extravagant delight. Ha. It's kinda complicated, yet really not at all. The story always goes the same way: frantic and desperate translates to sentimental-hand-holding crap and finally oh-wait-this-is-why-we-broke-up.. and then I am covered in bruises. Ha. Strangely enough, I have no gripes or resentment when he walks out the door. I guess on some level it is nice to know that there's still always something to fall back one (gag). Ahh it's always the same argument. Much like the one that should be insignificant by now.. but is not. It's so strange how someone you barely know can rattle through your mind all day like an old toy. It seems that in my attempt to make myself unattainable, it has completely backfired and sealed that status for thee in my head instead. Juuuuuust great. "The mistakes I've made are dead to me. But I can't take back the things I never did." So much for being young and stupid and indestructible, huh.


We were so young, I think of her now and then
I still hear the song reminding me of when

its a shame we have to live

I would like to see you one more time before the world ends.

how good do you have to be?

I've been thinking about you lately. I don't know much about you or where you're from or what is hurting you and vice versa, but I hope things work out well for you.

as a friend, as an old enemy

As I begin typing I know that I will most likely regret this post before I am even finished. This week's Sunday comes to thee through the haze of a post drunk-bursting-into-hot-tears morning after, slumped in bed with only myself for comfort. I guess this will be yet another post that's dedicated to the one thing in my life that hotly burned (I just like how that sounds). I hope you read what I wrote and understood it; understood that I do not mean anything more but to always be looking out for you. Honestly, I don't know why anyone would say that to me. What a cunt. Well, you've always warned me against them and I hope you remember your own words because you need them now. I know how important blood is to you, so just be careful who you guize hang around. Nothing good comes out that crowd. Look at me typing into this white box as if it could really make a difference. Pathetic. Perhaps the most pathetic of all is that deep down, I truly believe. I believe that there is always someone reading. But above all, I believe in those words. When I am, against all better judgement, reading them, I believe in my heart that it is intended as what I perceive them to be. Not all of course, I'm not that fucking self-obsessed. But there are some instances where I know, I truly believe, that I am not crazy and I am not creating an elaborate fantasy in my head (this is where I begin to regret). Although I do think it is the result of my impressions of the past that taints the truth of my memories. Meaning: sometimes what you remember isn't necessarily the truth, because one chooses how to remember something based on how they feel at the time. This choice alters the way you perceive what is true and what is not. Read also: The Sense of An Ending. I am tired now, mostly from the lack of sleep but also from carrying with foolish pride, the burden of unrequited love. A sweetness from the past can leave one feeling semi-bitter. I've grown to learn that eternal bachelors are never eternal, although I always feel eternally alone. Well.


So I put my faith in something unknown,
I'm living on such sweet nothings

your love as well as your folly

Last night as I was reciting what is possibly the most depressing story ever, that ceremoniously begins with "once upon a time" and ends with "I may never sleep again", I came to a very interesting revelation. No not the I'm crazy bit, everybody already knows that. This occurred somewhere between wondering what things would be like if my life didn't happen the way it did and wondering how I can change the future. Nothing makes me sadder than thinking of us as parallel lines, never to meet again. But I know that the past remains the past because that is simply the way that we are. There is nothing to do but to reflect with joy and wist that I have at least been blessed with these experiences. Looking back on the last few years, I've come to realize that they have been necessary. I need to learn to see things as a great journey I've had to take to aid me in my progress and healing. The first one, albeit was a mistake for unintentionally hurting an innocent party, was necessary in facilitating and protecting the emotional wreck that I was. The next one, which is slowly but surely disintegrating, is perhaps the biggest lesson of all. When it started, it was easy and I liked it. But at the same time, I struggled with a lot of guilt and the idea of redemption. I spent a lot of time fighting myself on whether or not what I was doing was right, whether what I did was something a good person would do. Being with him helped me accept what happened as something that I needed to get past, but not in the way I had intended. My time with him ironically, really showed me that I am not a bad person. I was young, I made a mistake and I hurt somebody whom I truly loved. And I hurt myself. As fucked up as it sounds, that's what youth is for. When you're young, you can't take life that seriously. I mean let's fucking face it, everybody does it. I am not trying to justify what I did, and subsequently (surprise surprise) what I did again. I am still truly sorry and I wish I could change it, but I can't. I was a kid, I wasn't ready to love somebody as much as I did. But I did. Youth has this way of making you feel invincible and free.. and to some extend, you are. You can't grow up thinking you're a terrible person for the mistakes you made but rather, the intentions behind them. I was young and I was foolish, I believed I was untouchable. I didn't mean to. What I'm really trying to say is that I finally understand why he is a necessary part of my life now, which is to in some warped way, help me accept myself and the way things turned out. Not to mention, to help me really appreciate how good I had it back then, even if it is too late. I finally feel like I'm done here, like he's served his purpose in my life and now maybe, I can fully cut the cord. That's how I feel now anyway.


as we saw this light
I swear you emerged blinking into
to tell me it's alright

cos I am afraid of the light

Quite a few things on the horizon and on my mind. Maybe I need to stop being such an anxious mess and take a different approach to things. Instead of worrying about whether or not I will find myself some friends (lol), I guess I should appreciate the fact that I'm going to be on holiday for an entire month next year. Not to mention the mini Asian tour I would have taken this year. Times like these I am truly grateful for how easy I have it. The thing about youth is that there's a tendency to overemphasize and obsess with the less-than-stellar aspects of life, ie boys. I'm trying to un-complicate my life as far as possible, de-clutter if you will. The truth is I don't want him anymore. Honestly, I hate him. Like I literally want to just punch him in the face over and over again like in that incredibly satisfying dream I had. But the thing is I can't handle the thought of that fucker with someone else. I really thought I could.. I just don't like the idea of losing. It's not so much about him as it is about me (of course) and my ego. You always hear people saying things like them breaking up cos they don't want to ruin what they had.. and I've never understood until now because by now I have literally watched a semi-decent relationship disintegrate into extremely painful conversations and mediocre.. well, you know. I'm thinking it's truly time to cut the cord. Well. Moving on. Strangely, I find others making random appearances in my wandering thoughts as well. I guess I like to wonder what could have been? Not that there's really a point since it couldn't. Much like of course, my thoughts of you. I wish I could say that nobody will ever love you like I do, but I know it isn't true. Underneath it all, it's easy to love somebody like you. When I think back on the past, the one thing I truly wish I could have changed was not what I did, but how I treated you. Youth is blinding; you can't understand how great you have it or ever see what's truly important. Or at least, that's how I see it now.


I can't sleep alone at night, you know what I mean?