we all look for heaven

The thing about Life. For some reason, I've begun to feel the strain of age catching up on me. Not in a "oh I feel so old" kind of way, but in a "one day I'm going to grow old and that scares the shit out of me" kind of way. Right now, I still have youth on my side but how long? Not long because.. Life. It was foolish of me to have held on to something so fleeting. I can't say that I didn't slash am not making full use of the time I had slash have, because bitch I have done some shit. It's just making me sad now that I am about to cross the threshold that makes it acceptable for one to continue being stupid and reckless. Not to say I would suddenly be cautious, I would just have to settle for being reckless in a less obvious, perhaps more destructive way. Hmm. I guess it's just the prospect of the future that's getting to me. There are just some things I'm not willing to give up. Hope, for one. Pathetically. Take for example the fact that I (like to think that I) string him along cos I truly want to fucking ruin him the way he ruined my life years ago. It's fucked up, the way I rationalize. I no longer know what I mean when I say hope, knowing full well we have no future together but... it comforts me. Every thought about you comforts me in some sick way. Lately, I've been obsessed with JD and his courtship with the young Winona, whom I can only assume to be his Lolita. Everything he says and has said about her points to her being the One for him, and yet he still ends up leaving her behind and building a life in Paradis. Its just kind of sad I guess because at the end of the day, who's Kate?

Gramma said that somewhere out there,

there's a good man waiting for me