bang bang I shot you down

These days I find myself to be a little too bipolar. I can't make up my mind about what I want in my life right now. It seems that most days I rather be alone than go through the tedious process of social interactions. Humanity can be so disappointing. An interesting night that ended in a surprising twist of events on my part. How often do I actually stop and think "nah better not"? Honestly, almost never. Wish I could say the same for the night before when the universe was pretty much screaming at me to just fucking stappit. Too bad I don't like to listen to the universe. A comfortable evening together that felt too familiar, too cosy. Maybe I should just grow up and take the universe's instructions because it's pretty clear I won't be able to handle our "arrangement" either. Right now it isn't bothering me that we don't communicate so much as it bothers me that you're not trying. What's new. Moving on now, I live out these made up scenarios in my head so often that when it actually happens I find I can't handle it as well as I like to believe. An unexpected (ish) appearance that stretched into a rather entertaining (ish) night. It actually makes me feel kind of silly but I guess I just wanted to prove to myself more than anything that it was something I was capable of attaining should I want to. Not that I'm saying I didn't want to.. just that it didn't seem smart to. Meeting new people always has this way of making you reflect on your life and the things you've done. I've never actually met anybody worse than me so that was quite a refreshing change. But the haze of alcohol-fueled urges always dissolves and the sun rises to shed light on the obvious gaps. Also for some reason, it just isn't as exciting anymore. Nothing to end if nothing starts.

The road is long, we carry on

try to have fun in the meantime