I never wanted to say this,

but you never wanted to stay now, did you?

I put my faith in you, so much faith

and you just threw it away

all I ever wanted was the world

and then some

we both know

I should just give up on this constant conflict. I wanna do what I want but I want everything. It's the same dilemma every time, really. Perhaps the worst part is I also want things to be done my way. I want to hear what I wanna hear but I also wanna feel like you want to say them to me. #psychogirl. Given up trying to understand his actions. Or more accurately, lack of. He wants things on a silver platter. I want him to follow me around. He wants me to be shut my wandering eyes. I want him to be alone. He does what's easy for him. I ignore him. What's the point of this constant battling of egos? In case you don't realize, Life fucking goes on. I really wonder where these boys get off thinking that it doesn't. Shit like that makes me reconsider my belief in the One since it's thrown around so liberally these days. Although nothing really beats the previous time I was called the One.. by "the One". Hurhur. Oh and the unfortunate one before that. It may be me being egoistic (read: bitter) as fuck but I really wonder if she's just a replacement, the signs really seem to point in that direction... omg #psychoexgf. But back to my original angst: This reminds me of the time we were conflicted between A and B when one blatantly decided that if we didn't choose A we wouldn't have either. A valid decision until one realizes there's no point giving up B because it doesn't make a difference. You won't be getting what you want either way so you might as well have B at the very least. (This makes sense to me and that's good enough) Basically what I'm saying is that one should accept when they're at a standstill and learn to take what they can get. Unless of course there's the possibility that one doesn't actually desire either A or B, in which case then please back the fuck up cos there can only be one psycho person at each time and clearly, I've already got that shit covered.

you hate the fact that you bought the dream

and they sold you one

hold you like a python

What is it about dysfunction that we are so compelled by? The first thing I need is to rid myself of this bitterness and jealousy. It's disgusting the way some people are, even more disgusting that I can't help but feel a twinge of resentment. Life isn't fair, that's the way it should be. Maybe I'm simply too competitive, or maybe my life is just so pathetic that I let frivolous things like that affect me. I can't deal. Anyway, it could be the sudden hormonal imbalance speaking but I find myself beginning to feel the distance. It's really because I don't stay angry long enough. If only things were so simple. Or well, if only you weren't a complete and utter piece of shit. Well. Dysfunction is better than nothing... I guess? Illusion of love is better than none. I think. Confused. The way I see it is: you think you have the upper hand cos you're doing whatever you want at your own pace while I think I have it cos I believe there's no way in hell this is ever happening again. It's pretty clear who's wrong here #sad. I comfort myself by saying it's only normal to feel this way and that I've felt it before for people who mean absolutely nothing to me. Perhaps I'm simply too sentimental. The best or possibly worst part is I would never admit it. If only I was a hopeless romantic huh, none of this pragmatic crap. God I hate being a (dysfunctional) girl.

when the light is out and the words have gone,

will you be the one to try it on?

this is what makes us girls

A long drawn weekend that has left me feeling bittersweet about Life. A cosy enough night, a throwback to the way things used to be ish. Girls are different that way. We love more fiercely and protect what we deem as our own more viciously than boys do. Whoever gets left behind is simply deemed as collateral damage, revisited with the sole purpose of feeling the pang of wistfulness we as girls are obliged to feel. We were/are really the worst kinds of girls there are. The kind who make full use of our youth, leaving a trail of destruction with every move, investing in dysfunctional relationships yet are never true to each other. When I look back I still think those were the best years of my life but animosity, it seems, is simply part and parcel of the deal. Well, whatever it is, I'm good as long as I ain't the last one standing. Its worrying that I have yet to escape the volatile nature of youth. A couple months ago I was convinced I wanted to settle down.. and yet. Nothing is more exciting nor as tormenting as the mere possibility of something new, of being on the cusp of a new venture. Although I must admit nothing is quite as satisfying as a decent, real relationship. I'm greedy, I want it all. Speaking of which, you're so far gone that most times it genuinely doesn't even cross my mind. Except for when I'm furious at you. I don't care how ridiculous it is. The truth is I don't let go for nostalgia sake, for the times when I have a sudden urge (I got one today) to share a stupid joke with thou, for the times I'm hungry for some attention, for the times where bitterness gets the better of me. I have no doubts that you have your own selfish reasons as well. At the end, does it really matter who has a upper hand against who when we're both just fighting against each other? Damn. I may truly end up the last one standing after all.

Tell me I'm your national anthem

I keep my window open

I keep it open wideSo keep me, keep it openOh keep me on your mind

I no longer need you to fuck me as hard

as I hate myself.

Make love to me

like you know I am better than the worst thing I ever did.

Go slow.
I'm new to this

but I have seen nearly every city from a rooftop without jumping.

I have realized

that the moon did not have to be full for us to love it.

We are not tragedies

stranded here beneath it

bang bang I shot you down

These days I find myself to be a little too bipolar. I can't make up my mind about what I want in my life right now. It seems that most days I rather be alone than go through the tedious process of social interactions. Humanity can be so disappointing. An interesting night that ended in a surprising twist of events on my part. How often do I actually stop and think "nah better not"? Honestly, almost never. Wish I could say the same for the night before when the universe was pretty much screaming at me to just fucking stappit. Too bad I don't like to listen to the universe. A comfortable evening together that felt too familiar, too cosy. Maybe I should just grow up and take the universe's instructions because it's pretty clear I won't be able to handle our "arrangement" either. Right now it isn't bothering me that we don't communicate so much as it bothers me that you're not trying. What's new. Moving on now, I live out these made up scenarios in my head so often that when it actually happens I find I can't handle it as well as I like to believe. An unexpected (ish) appearance that stretched into a rather entertaining (ish) night. It actually makes me feel kind of silly but I guess I just wanted to prove to myself more than anything that it was something I was capable of attaining should I want to. Not that I'm saying I didn't want to.. just that it didn't seem smart to. Meeting new people always has this way of making you reflect on your life and the things you've done. I've never actually met anybody worse than me so that was quite a refreshing change. But the haze of alcohol-fueled urges always dissolves and the sun rises to shed light on the obvious gaps. Also for some reason, it just isn't as exciting anymore. Nothing to end if nothing starts.

The road is long, we carry on

try to have fun in the meantime

We were up all night

Talking trash and wasting time
When he says you're beautiful, it's not a lie
But in the morning you might find
That he might've changed his mind
He can only fall in love
For just one night

we all look for heaven

The thing about Life. For some reason, I've begun to feel the strain of age catching up on me. Not in a "oh I feel so old" kind of way, but in a "one day I'm going to grow old and that scares the shit out of me" kind of way. Right now, I still have youth on my side but how long? Not long because.. Life. It was foolish of me to have held on to something so fleeting. I can't say that I didn't slash am not making full use of the time I had slash have, because bitch I have done some shit. It's just making me sad now that I am about to cross the threshold that makes it acceptable for one to continue being stupid and reckless. Not to say I would suddenly be cautious, I would just have to settle for being reckless in a less obvious, perhaps more destructive way. Hmm. I guess it's just the prospect of the future that's getting to me. There are just some things I'm not willing to give up. Hope, for one. Pathetically. Take for example the fact that I (like to think that I) string him along cos I truly want to fucking ruin him the way he ruined my life years ago. It's fucked up, the way I rationalize. I no longer know what I mean when I say hope, knowing full well we have no future together but... it comforts me. Every thought about you comforts me in some sick way. Lately, I've been obsessed with JD and his courtship with the young Winona, whom I can only assume to be his Lolita. Everything he says and has said about her points to her being the One for him, and yet he still ends up leaving her behind and building a life in Paradis. Its just kind of sad I guess because at the end of the day, who's Kate?

Gramma said that somewhere out there,

there's a good man waiting for me

things I can't live with

if you love me, why'd you let me go?