I'm not sorry at all

Well, whatcha gon' do? In the midst of our secret foray and in the heat of the high, I let out my secret after we'd released ourselves from the cosmic gates (ha ha). The one which I had promised to keep to myself after your disappointing recollection of our secret night together. I doubt that you'd have forgotten me, it seems impossible to someone as self-important as I. Imagine my disappointment and quite frankly, heart ache as you twist your story to make me seem like just another girl. Ouch. That pang was me feeling that this would never be real and came also with a vow to not bother being honest with you. And yet it came pouring out. It just isn't in my nature to keep something like that. Suddenly I find myself lying on top of you after barely escaping a fist fight, with my eyes squeezed shut and rambling the past two years of my life to your curious face, feeling the prickly heat of embarrassment and alcohol on my cheeks. Why had I been so fucking afraid of you changing your mind about me? Because that is how I truly see myself. All his words spat angrily at me on that fateful night embody exactly the way I feel about myself. "But you've learnt your lesson right?" I hesitate to answer. Have I? Honestly? Can I really truly say that? Do I stop myself in terror of repeating my mistake every time I am in an equally dangerous situation? Ha. I think I must hate myself a great deal to sell myself short like that. I am a horrible person and now you've seen me for what I am. Though I can bet it did nothing more than boost your ego as I pleaded for you to stay. "Please at least make this worth it" I smirk with feigned smugness. I really meant it. I've come to think that I might actually see this as some sick, almost desperate ploy for redemption. Well. Maybe that's why I keep making the unfortunate decision of picking bad over good because I somehow feel like I owe it to myself?

Not a miracle in years